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Couple of Jokes


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This first one is one of my favorites - the second one? Well, being a lawyer, I think it sums up the profession so well...

 

So, St. Peter's up in Heaven and he really has to go to the bathroom. Just as he decides that he can't wait any longer, Jesus happens by, and St. Peter says, "Jesus Christ, am I glad to see you. I really have to go to the bathroom. Can you watch the Gates of Heaven for me?"

 

Jesus says, "Well, I really don't know how."

 

St. Peter says, "Look, it's real simple. Someone comes up, you ask them their name, in Modern English of course, you ask them if they had any special talents, and you ask them if they had any miraculous experiences while they were on Earth."

 

So Jesus agrees and off goes St. Peter.

 

No sooner is he gone, when up comes this old man. So Jesus walks over and says, " Hi, my name is Jesus, I'll be your Gatekeeper this evening. I just have a few questions to ask you before we let you in. First, could I have your name please. In Modern English, of course.

 

The old man thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I guess in Modern English it would be Joseph."

 

Jesus thinks, Hmmmm. That's interesting. He says, "Now did you have any special talents while you were alive?"

 

The old man responds, "Well, I was a woodworker. I made things out of wood."

 

Jesus thinks, Hmmmm. That's interesting. He says, "Now did you have any miraculous experiences while you were on Earth?"

 

The old man thinks for a minute and says, "Well, I had a son. But he wasn't really my son. But I did raise him as my son. I guess maybe that could be miraculous.

 

Jesus thinks about this for a minute. Joseph. Works with wood. Had a son, but he wasn't his son, but he was raised as a son.

 

Jesus looks at the old man and says, "Dad?"

 

The old man looks back and says, "Pinocchio?"

 

*************************

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

 

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But, sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

 

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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