Texas joke library

[BigRedMachine]

Some of these are kinda cheesy, but quite a few good ones that will come in handy when that annoying Texas fan in your life wont shut the hell up!!

 

Changing A Light Bulb in Texas

How many Texas fans does it take to change a light bulb? 10! One to change the bulb and 9 to talk about how "Major" would do it!!

______________________

Texas Higher Education

I asked A Texas Professor, “How many freshmA Texas students does it take to change a light bulb?”

The Texas Professor replied, “None, that's a sophomore course.”

_______________________________________

Texas Hitchhiker

A Texan hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental.

The Texan noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?"

The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive."

"Boy," exclaimed the Texan, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"

 

Texas Jokes Unlimited

o Did you hear about the "Texan" at the stop sign?

Well, he's still there!!

o How do you confuse A Texan?

Lay down 3 shovels, and tell him to take a pick.

o Hear about the "Texan" that was 2 hours late for class?

The escalator was stuck.

o Then there was the "Texan" that was so dumb!

His roomate even noticed!

o How many hours does it take A Texan to screw in a light bulb?

One, but he gets three hours credit.

o Ya know how to drive A Texan crazy?

Stick him in a round room, and tell him to "tinkle" in the corner.

o Did you hear about the "Texan" that broke his leg raking leaves?

He fell out of the tree.

o How come "Texans" don't drink kool-aid?

Because they can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in the little package.

o Did you hear about the "Texan" who won the gold medel at the Olympics?

He liked it so much, he had it bronzed.

o Did you hear about the "Texan" who locked his keys in the car?

He couldn't get his family out.

 

Texas Romance

A Texas grad met a girl and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. The day after their wedding, the Texas grad went to play golf. He told his wife that he hoped she didn't mind him coming home late; he was a golfer and he liked to play until dark. The wife replied that she was a hooker and she would be home late also. "Really, is it your grip or your stance?"

 

Texas Driving Etiquette

 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

 

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

 

3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

 

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

 

6. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

 

7. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

 

Texas Medical Terminology

Artery ----------------- The study of paintings

Bacteria --------------- Back door of the cafeteria

Barium ---------------- What doctors do when their patient dies

Bowel ----------------- A letter like A, E, I, O, U

Cesarean Section ------ A neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan --------------- Searching for the kitty

Cauterize---------------- Made eye contact with her

Colic-------------------- A sheep dog

Coma------------------- A punctuation mark

D & C------------------ Where Washington is

Dilate------------------- To live for a long time

Enema------------------ Not a friend

Fester------------------- Quicker

Fibula------------------- A small lie

Genital------------------ Not a Jew

GI Series--------------- An army ball game

Hangnail---------------- Coat hook

Impotent---------------- Distinguished; well known

Labor pains------------- Getting hurt at work

Medical staff------------ A doctor's cane

Morbid----------------- A higher offer

Nitrates----------------- Cheaper than day rates

Node------------------- Was aware of

Outpatient-------------- A person who fainted

Pap smear-------------- A fatherhood test

Pelvis------------------- A cousin to Elvis

Post-operative---------- A letter carrier

Recovery room--------- A place where they do upholstery

Rectum----------------- Dang nearly killed him

Secretion--------------- Hiding something

Seizure----------------- A Roman emperor

Tablet------------------ A small table

Terminal illness---------- Getting sick at the airport

Tumor------------------ Add two

Urine------------------- Opposite to you're out

Varicose--------------- Near by

Vein-------------------- Conceited

 

 

Texas Personal Ads

When A Texas resident writes a personal ad, he or she means something different from what they really say. Us the following interpretation to decipher A Texas personal ad.

 

TEXAS CODE WORD................MEANS

 

40-ish...................48

Affectionate.............Possessive

Artist...................Unreliable

Beautiful................Pathological liar

Commitment-minded........Pick out curtains, now!

Communication-important..Just try to get a word in edgewise

Educated.................College dropout

Emotionally Secure.......Medicated

Employed.................Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera.....Snob

Enjoys Nature............Bring your own granola

Financially Secure.......One paycheck from the street

Free spirit..............Substance abuser

Friendship first ........Trying to live down reputation

Fun......................Annoying

Gentle...................Comatose

Good Listener............Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous.................Caustic

Intuitive................Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition............Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker............Lush

Looks younger............If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel.............If you're paying

Loves Animals............Cat lady

New-Age..................All body hair, all the time

Non-traditional..........Ex-husband lives in the basement

Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded..............Desperate

Outgoing.................Loud

Reliable.................Frumpy

Romantic.................Looks better by candle light

Self-employed............Jobless

Spiritual................Involved with a cult

Stable...................Boring

Tan......................Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate...........One step away from stalking

Widow....................Nagged first husband to death

Redhead..................Used Clairol

 

Texas Dictionary

 

Acrimony - What a man gives is divorced wife.

Armadillo - The Spanish Navy which defeated the Duke of Wellington

Bibliomaniac - Person who reads the Bible incessantly from cover to cover

Cascade - Drink similar to lemonade, but made with cask.

Glacier - Man who puts glass in windows.

Hooligan - Polygon with seven sides

Myth - Female moth

Obscene - Where one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees

Psalmist - One who tells fortunes by reading hands

Shintoist - An original dancer who shakes his shins and his toes

 

Texas Grads Make Good Decisions

A Texas grad was walking down the street, when his old college buddy pulled up in a brand new Porsche. "Where the hell did you get Porsche?", the grad asked in disbelief. "Well," his buddy replied, "Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her. We jump in her Porsche, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, 'You can have anything you want'. So I took the car." "That was pretty smart", said the other Texas grad, "Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

Texas Grads Can Read

Two Texas grads decide to have a reunion. One decides to visit the other one living in a big town. The visiting Texas grad gets lost and calls his friend: Hey, I'm coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am. The second Texas grad says "OK, just look at the street intersection, there will be two signs, read them to me." "Ok, I see them, the first one says "WALK", the other one says "DO NOT WALK". "Oh, man, you're right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up in two minutes!"

 

A Texas Grad Tries Harder

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

 

Texas Hotels - Enjoy Your Stay

How do you know when your staying in a Texas hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

 

Texas Pick-up Lines

Did you hear about the Texas redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

 

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a Texas redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock.

The Texas redneck gets emotionally involved.

 

What's the most popular pick-up line in Texas?

Nice tooth!

How many Texas rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

 

Why did God invent armadillos?

So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

 

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Texas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

 

Texas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-65. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"

 

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

 

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Texas?

Everyone has the same DNA.

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

 

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Texas to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

 

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas?

A documentary.

 

A Good Texas Guess

Two Texans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

 

Texas's Arc De Trophy

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Texas burned down?

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

 

A new law recently passed in Texas:

When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

 

What's the best thing to ever come out of Texas?

I-20

 

Texas Cheerleaders Know It All

There was an ex Texas cheerleader who got tired of everyone making fun of her so one night she decided to memorize every capitol of every state. The next day when she was at work, some Nebraska grads were making fun of her. She march right up to them and said, "I resent being made fun of so I did something that no one would do. I memorized every capitol of every state. One of the Nebraska grads did not believe her so she said, "Try me." "OK," said the Nebraska grad, "what is the capitol of Wyoming?" She smiled and said, "W."

 

Texas Grads on a Fishin Trip

Two Texas grads go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Texas grad turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other Texas grad says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 

A Loving Moment for Texas Student

Dear Son,

Hope all is good at the University of Texas. I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and havn't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you. Your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment, up she comes. Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup one was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later.

Love,

Mom

 

Granting A Texas Wish

There were three Texas grads on a island. They find a magic lamp and are each granted 1 one wish. One Texas grad says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, the Texas grad builds a rowboat and rows to shore. The second Texas grad says "I wish I was 100 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, he builds a motor boat and gets to shore. The third Texas grad says "I wish I was a million times smarter." The genie grants his wish, *POOF*, he turns into Nebraska grad and he walks across the bridge.

 

Texas Researchers Prove Mad Cow Theory

After the Apollo moon missions, researchers the world over were putting in applications with NASA for pieces of moon rock. The Texas researchers were late in getting theirs in and NASA had run out of rocks. So one of the NASA officials went out into a field and picked up a cow patty, gave it to the Texas researchers and told them that it was a moon rock. A few months later, the University of Texas announced that they had conclusively proven that the cow did jump over the moon.

 

Texas Grad at Harvard

A former Texas student went to Harvard for graduate school. Strolling through Harvard yard on his first day, he approaches a typical Harvard student: tweed jacket, corduroy pants, smoking a pipe. The Texas grad approaches him and says: "Howdy, kin yew tell me whar thuh library's at?" The Harvard man replies haughtily, "You must be from Texas, we here at Harvard don't end sentences with a preposition”. The Texas grad thinks about this for an minute and then steps back up to the Harvard guy and says: “OK, kin yew tell me whar thuh library’s at, smartass?”

 

Texas Deer Season Could Be Dangerous

During deer season a far-sighted Texas redneck and his friend went hunting. The Texas redneck heard a crackle, shot into the brush, and injured his friend. Several hours later the Texas redneck saw the doctor who tried to save his friend's life. "Your friend would have survived if you hadn't gutted him," the doctor said bluntly.

 

Texas Birth Control

After having their 11th child, A Texas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Texas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Texan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Nebraska, where the people are much smarter, to get a second opinion. The Nebraska physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

A Refined Texas Grad

The Texas grad was asked if he preferred red or white wine with dinner, "It doesn't make any difference," he said, "I'm color blind."

 

Brains

A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "New York Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.

The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Texas football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce."

The man says, "Why the big difference in price?"

The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Texas football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"

 

Are ya Chicken?

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Texas joke.

The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Texas. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Texas, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Texas,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Texas joke?"

The guy says, "Nah."

To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

Texas Sorority Sister

What's the difference between a University of Texas sorority sister and a scarecrow?

One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

____________________________________________________________

Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco

To Austin...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!

____________________________________________________________

You're probably A Texas fan if ...

 

... You can play the Husker fight song using your armpit.

... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.

... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"

... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.

... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.

... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.

... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!

... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.

... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.

... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.

____________________________________________________________

Two Texas grads were building a house. One was on a ladder nailing. He would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or drive it into the wood.

After a while, the other Texas grad couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of those nails away?"

The first grad explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, I know it's a good nail!"

The second grad got upset, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"

 

 

(PG - Please do not read if you are offended with "AH") Texas grads go ahead and read since you don't know what it means anyway!

A Texas grad named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

" So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body.

After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a

look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll

him over."

 

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse

over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it

ain't Clyde."

 

Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you

tell?"

 

Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two a$$hole$."

 

"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He

had TWO a$$hole$?"

 

"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had

two a$$hole$."

 

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...

'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two a$$hole$"

 

Two Texas grads were walking in the woods. One said, "Look! A dead bird."

The other looked to the sky and said, "Where?"

 

How do you know when A Texas graduate student has been using your word processor?

The screen is covered with whiteout.

 

Two Texas grads were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk, licking his testicles. The first Texas grad says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but I wouldn't want to try."

The other asks, "Why not?"

"Because . . . he might bite me."

 

What's a seven course meal in Austin?

A possum and a six-pack.

 

A Texas grad was hunting in the woods. He came upon a beautiful woman laying naked in the grass. "Are you game?", he asked.

The woman said "yes."

So he shot her.

 

 

What is the most frequent line heard from graduates of Texas' business school?

Would you like fries with that?

 

Why do Texas cheerleaders were panties?

To keep their ankles warm.

 

Two Texas brothers fall in love and get married and they go on their honeymoon. One brother comes back home without his wife. One of his family asks, "Where is your wife?" He answers, "Well, she was a virgin so I killed her." The family member asked, in shock, "Why did you kill her just because she's a virgin?!?" The Texas man replies, "If she isn't good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours."

 

 

Application for A Texas Drivers License

STATE OF TEXAS

DRIVER LICINSE APPLICASION

Last name: ________________

First name:

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(_) Billy-Elvis

(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

(Check appropriate box)

 

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_) Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) don't know