July 23, 2015. A day that will live in infamy across the Great Plains. For a month Adidas has had us on the edge of our seat, or hiding in the closet, whatever floats your boat, waiting for Nebraska's new alternate couture. It's always touchy messing with one of the classic designs in college football. You already have a classic like Enter the Dragon, and you're hoping they'll come up with Seven Samurai, but lately Adidas has been producing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen. Oscar Wilde told us, “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” Unfortunately for Nebraska, Adidas has embraced this mantra as their company slogan. You don't have to be perfect to be pretty, but imperfection isn't doesn't exactly pay the rent, either. And Adidas has been oh, so imperfect of late. Put down that monkey and get ready, it's reveal time! Let's start at the top with that helmet. Black is classic and classy, but this is the Charles Nelson Reilly of black. It wants to be fierce and bold but the matte finish is so 1972. Did someone brain that player with an ax? Is that why there's a huge bloody streak down the middle? The warmups have a Keystone Kops look to them I just can't get on board with. I can't tell if they're retro ironic or slightly moronic. The N is massive and blood-red. It isn't very Donna Karan. And the jerseys? They look frilly. My mother had a bra with that pattern. It had more lace than the entire West Village. The numbers are prison chic, but not in a bad way. I give them a thumbs up. Overall they're slightly goth, not necessarily in a Robert Smith of the Cure way. More like a Branch Davidian way. The pants. Oh, the pants. I used to have pants like that. But I also used to be named Louise and lived in Germany. The more I look at them the happier I feel. They're sharp and bold and tough and slightly menacing. They're the Viggo Mortenson of pants. Hopefully the pinstripes make the boys faster so they can outrun those eager cheerleaders, the vixens. And then the footwear. Somewhere in Trenton there's a hooker looking for her shoes. They scream Peggy Sue Went Bowling. White shoes with black pants? No wonder they're AdiZEROs. I can't tell if Adidas has bad designers or just bad taste. I'm going to need a Ritalin smoothie to forget these shoes. To sum up, this couture isn't hideous. It's a damned sight better than what Adidas has done to Nebraska in the past. If it inspires the boys to play their best, I'm all for it. “Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.” You tell 'em, Orson.