L.A. Times columnist gracing us with his presence next week

[LouisianaHusker]

http://www.wpnews.com/main.asp?SectionID=1...;ArticleID=2431

 

 

T.J. Simers is coming to town.

 

Hey, don't all clap at once.

 

Maybe I need to rephrase this: That guy who tends to write grating and demeaning columns about Nebraska's people and its Husker football fans in the L.A. Times is coming to West Point.

 

Next week.

 

Two days before the USC game.

 

No kidding.

 

Apparently, he wants to pass through our lands a bit like a bored oil baron on safari with a hankering for adrenaline, trying to get a closer look at what we denizens of the plains are like in our natural habitat - hopefully without getting mauled.

 

Now I've got your attention.

 

If you're not familiar with this guy or his literary masterpieces, I suggest you Google him. I honestly typed in 'jerk from L.A. Times' and something about T.J. Simers popped up as the 13th choice - out of over 2.5 million.

 

Those search engines are pretty darn amazing. Quite astute, really.

 

If you want to read the column, it's not hard to find on the net, either. Just make sure your skin is thicker than John Travolta's make-up in Hairspray.

 

Simers - who actually comes across as a pretty nice guy on the phone - will be making several stops in Nebraska during the week leading up to the Huskers' meeting with the mighty Men of Troy on Sept. 15.

 

He'll be in town all of that Thursday.

 

We have some combination of an e-mail I wrote to him and one West Point Chamber of Commerce Executive Director Patti Knobbe wrote to thank for his highly anticipated visit.

 

We're both thrilled he took us up on the offer. I guess the hope is that we'll be able to find enough redeeming qualities in each other to make it a fun day.

 

He did get over 1,400 replies to his column seeking a place to stay in Nebraska - including dozens of overtures from Nebraskans all over the state, which makes being picked an honor of sorts.

 

I think we can infer from his decision to come to Cuming County that he trusts that we'll, at the very least, provide for his safety and security.

 

And that's why I'm writing this column today, just a bit shy of his arrival.

 

Let's take the high road, folks. He might not have taken our collective feelings into consideration when he went for those big West Coast laughs, but there's that old saying about sticks and stones.

 

Let's not throw rocks at him (or even unkind words, for that matter). Instead, I think some good old-fashion psychological warfare would be far more potent: Let's kill him with kindness.

 

Just imagine the internal strife he'll undergo if he actually enjoys himself in West Point.

 

At the risk of picking a fight, though, I do have to point out some hypocrisy on his part when he writes about women in our fine state being 'wide-butted' (see Simers' column for his exact words).

 

I did some research, and it turns out both Nebraskans and Californians fell into the exact same not-so-hot 20-24 percent adult obesity rate, according to a 2005 Center for Disease Control (CDC) study.

 

Add to the mix the number of actresses living on rice cakes, the occasional tofu snack and mineral water in Hollywood - which would certainly skew the numbers - and I'd say the average Californian eats just as many Krispy Kremes as we do.

 

Maybe more.

 

It'll also be harder for him to write about our treeless landscape - or how we have nothing to do but watch Husker football on Saturdays - after he's gone up and down the Elkhorn a few fast times on an airboat.

 

Or missed the fairway at our diamond-in-the rough Indian Trails.

 

Or viewed one of the many plasma televisions at our top notch and brand new wellness center (that's right, no big bulky cathode ray tube sets for us as we further trim our derrieres).

 

I don't want to engage in the same easy generalizing that we hope to at least temporarily cure T.J. Simers of next week. Not because it's not fun - it is - but because he's probably a whole lot better at it than I am.

 

I don't believe that's because there are more bad things to say about Nebraska than about California, either.

 

Consider that they elected a guy to be their governor who made some of the worst low budget 1970's movies in existence, which is a campaign-killer in most other places, I would think.

 

Several million of them choose to live on one of the most active fault lines in the world, too. Their skylines could tragically (and rather predictably) end up as flat as Michael Jackson's record sales if the 'big one' ever decides to hit, yet they think we're nuts for living where we do.

 

But let's face it, if I wrote columns like his on a regular basis, people around here would probably take offense even when they agreed with me. It's a little something passed down from our Midwestern ancestors called 'tact.'

 

Such a thing probably sells few newspapers in a competitive media market like Los Angeles, though, so I think we can all agree to cut T.J. some slack with that in mind.

 

Just be sure to do the right thing. If you see me driving a guy you've never seen before around town next Thursday, try to wave at us with your whole hand (as opposed to, say, one digit).

 

He is our guest.

[HSKRNOKC]

My older brother ripped him pretty good via email. It was therapeutic because I know there is NO way that the guy could have read all that negative mail.

 

He had it coming though.

 

I doubt even after the visit that he will find any way to complement the state.

[CornHunka]

My older brother ripped him pretty good via email. It was therapeutic because I know there is NO way that the guy could have read all that negative mail.

 

He had it coming though.

 

I doubt even after the visit that he will find any way to complement the state.

 

 

Even if TJ SLIMERS has the best day of his life, there is no way on God's green earth that he will admit any of it in his column. He'll find something stereotypically bad and exploit it. SLIMERS already has enough ammo in the fact that over 1,000 people invited him to visit them. This guy is not a "big city" boy, he grew up in the Midwest and went to college in Illinios. If you ask me, the guys 15 minutes of fame in Nebraska was up about a half hour ago.