Helicopter parenting - need some help!

[Enhance]

Helicopter parenting is when parents hover, so to speak, over their child. It's often used in relation to a child's text messaging or social media use. I'm writing a story about this, in relation to a recent study involving teen use on facebook.

 

Do you, or does someone you know, check their child's text messages and/or social media on a daily basis, in order to make sure they're being safe and not getting mixed up in the wrong things? If so, drop me a personal message, or feel free to chat about it in here! I'm trying to get a bunch of parent reactions to this and get some opinions. Are you for, or against, this type of monitoring? Why or why not?

 

Lastly, are you young enough that you yourself had parents who would check your texts and other media? If so, you can also drop me a line!

[Creighton Duke]

DeckedinBlack has to get parental approval before he hits "post"

[gobiggergoredder]

Monitoring facebook or text messages is not in itself 'helicopter parenting'.

 

The definition that subscribe to is: Helicopter parents can be identified by their tendency to hover close to their child, ready to come to the rescue at the first sign of difficulty or disappointment.

[Enhance]

Monitoring facebook or text messages is not in itself 'helicopter parenting'.

 

The definition that subscribe to is: Helicopter parents can be identified by their tendency to hover close to their child, ready to come to the rescue at the first sign of difficulty or disappointment.

I didn't say it was. Although I did say it is most commonly heard when talking about text messaging/social media .

[krc1995]

It depends on the intent of the parent. If it is to keep their child safe and decent, then it's just good parenting. But I am seeing a new generation of parents at the high school level that want their child to succeed(or stay helpless) so badly that they try to make every decision and "monitoring" social media is a way to control and dictate decisions on a daily basis. I strongly suspect that many of these parents do homework, write emails, text, and make other contact in the name of their kid. Maybe its a mental health issue or maybe it extreme parental fear. Traditionally the period of adolescence is a time of learning from mistakes and rebelling a little. Biologicially, it is time to seperate from parents and move into adulthood. However with the advent of social media and the era of high stakes testing, one mistake can follow a kid forever. I think as a society we are trying to force kids to a postive adulthhood outcome without trusting them to develop through a very old and natural maturation process.

 

I remember when my parents went out on Fridays, went to games on Saturdays, and pretty much had no clue where we were at any given minute, as long as we came home. Now, It seems to me that parents identities are incredibly wrapped up in the social lives of their kids and that just seems wrong.

[gobiggergoredder]

My sister has a 7 year old that she has never said no to. I'm really not being dramatic. He sleeps in her bed, won't eat dinner, gets a toy every time they go to a store. He can't go to other kid's birthday parties because he can't handle it.

 

Since he was born, she has put him in situations where he won't be disappointed/upset. If that means avoiding situations that kids should learn from, then that is what happens. It's really pretty sick.

 

In the end, the kid has no chance. Eventually he will be eaten alive by the 'real world'. Society does the same thing. The term 'bullying' is the new boogyman. I think 'bullying' and no tolerance is parallel to 'helicopter parenting'. Bullying is not someone being an A-Hole, it is physical or mental abuse. Bullying (People being dicks) doesn't stop when school is over.

[Judoka]

Some parents forget the disappointment and *shudder* losing build character.

[JJ Husker]

Excellent posts so far by everyone. Pretty much agree with all sentiments expressed. We have kids 18 and 13. We've warned them and reminded them to be very careful with what they text or post on social media but we treat those items as their personal business and none of ours. If they weren't great kids and if they had a ny tendency for getting in trouble or doing stupid things, I can see where checking up on those things would be prudent for good parents.

 

Things are much different today than they were 30ish years ago when I was my kids age. We pretty much had free reign of our hometown and would go all over pretty much doing whatever we felt like. Some of it wasn't particularly productive activity, drinking and driving and a few other stupid things but, generally society was a safer place then. Today my kids don't do a fraction of what we did as kids. Pretty much don't go anywhere by themselves or just with friends (prior to the drivers license). We would call up our friends or go to their houses and start up a game of baseball or football all on our own. My kids are so busy with school and organized sports that they simply do not have the time or inclination to start a pick up game. I kind of feel sorry for them that they really have never had that opportunity like I did. But the drinking we did beginning in junior high and through the high school years.....well that is good that they don't seem to have had that much leeway. I'm sure my son has done a few things along those lines but nothing like I did. I don't think it is that we're more strict parents or that our parents were oblivious, times are just different. Got a little off track there. I have seen many cases of over involved parenting and it can't be healthy for the parents or for the developement of the kids. They have to make some decisions on their own and be subjected to the consequences to mature. My fear is that it just seem like there are anywhere near the opportunities for that anymore. Maybe I'm just getting old. I have found myself almost hoping my son would get in some of the same "trouble" that I did. And then I remember how stupid we were at times and am relieved that some things have changed.

[sd'sker]

i agree with gobiggergoredder. when i think of helicopter parents i think of parents who hover and sweep in. the type of parents that reprimand the teacher for their kid's bad grades instead of the kid.

[JJ Husker]

i agree with gobiggergoredder. when i think of helicopter parents i think of parents who hover and sweep in. the type of parents that reprimand the teacher for their kid's bad grades instead of the kid.

 

Agree. Or the polar opposite of helicopter parenting- no parenting at all. I got into a fairly heated discussion with a guy who works for me the other day. His kids are not good students, tend to get in serious type trouble, cut classes, etc. He was bitching about the teachers in high school not forcing his son to go to class or stay on school property. His kid ignores the teachers, leaves the building, and his response is the teachers suck. I told him their job is to teach the kids that show up and want to learn, not to waste their time on his class cutting waste of taxpayer dollar kid. Told him it was his job to make sure his kid went to class and did his homework. Told him I didn't want the teachers doing his parenting job for him. Yeah.....he took it reeeeeeal well.

[gobiggergoredder]

My mother in law is an elementary school teacher. A couple of years ago she told me a story of where a kid brought a 'fart noise maker' to school. She took it from him and told him that he could have it back at the end of the day.

 

She had to go do crossing guard type stuff at the end of the day and when she returned to her room the child's mother was in her desk. My mother in law asked her what she was doing and she said that that noise make belongs to 'billy's' father and she needs to give it back. Mother in law asked if she had checked her son's backpack,(M-I-L) had already put it in there. The mother was more upset with the the teacher than the fact her kid brought it to school.

 

I asked her if she reports stuff like this and she said no....it happens all the time.

[Landlord]

These just reinforce my tendency to want to home-school my children, at least until high school.

[Creighton Duke]

My mother in law is an elementary school teacher. A couple of years ago she told me a story of where a kid brought a 'fart noise maker' to school. She took it from him and told him that he could have it back at the end of the day.

 

She had to go do crossing guard type stuff at the end of the day and when she returned to her room the child's mother was in her desk. My mother in law asked her what she was doing and she said that that noise make belongs to 'billy's' father and she needs to give it back. Mother in law asked if she had checked her son's backpack,(M-I-L) had already put it in there. The mother was more upset with the the teacher than the fact her kid brought it to school.

 

I asked her if she reports stuff like this and she said no....it happens all the time.

Not to be rude because I truly appreciate your sharing of your two stories, but....man. If there was a time for me to leave the country, it's now.

[B1G Red]

When our kids first got cell phones we instructed them to not erase their text history, so that if we wanted to, we could see what was going on. Our instruction was, if you don't want your Mom to see it, then don't text it. We could at any time, and did, ask to see their phone and check the history. I think this taught our kids to think before posting anything electronic. We didn't check often, but ocasionally we did. Is that hovering, I don't think so. it was more of a suprise inspection. Also required passwords to their facebook page, and occasionally checked it, just to make sure it stayed appropriate. Funny thing was, we know another mom who is somewhat of a helicopter, and she would "alert" us of nearly everything status change or post on our kids facebook. She hovered over her kids, PLUS everyones elses.

 

So I'm somewhere in the middle. Parents who do not let their kids do anything themselves (years ago you should have seen the pine derby cars that 8 year old scouts "made themselves") are hurting the kids. On the other end, parents who don't keep a close eye on their kids aren't doing their job either. I think both types, the helicopter and the distant free range parent, are afraid of the same thing, their kid might feel bad cause they didn't get what they wanted.

 

edited per the term in gobiggergoredder's post

[gobiggergoredder]

Not to be rude because I truly appreciate your sharing of your two stories, but....man. If there was a time for me to leave the country, it's now.

 

As a people watcher, I'm in a pretty good family. My wife and I are both the middle child. In each of our families we have textbook cases of 'free range' parenting and 'helicopter' parenting. The kids act differently, but neither style prepares you for the life.

 

For those that are not aware of the 'free range' parenting...here's a link.