Relationship: Open or Closed?

[Count 'Bility]

I always prefer my lady be open. Her legs that is.

[Mavric]

I understand the point you're trying to make, but I don't think you're making it. There's sexual compatibility and marriage compatibility. What you should be saying (imo) is that a marriage is two people and if they aren't perfectly sexually compatible they should still be unselfish and not want to look outside the marriage for it. That doesn't make them sexually compatible though.

I see your point, and I understand it, but likewise, I think it is misguided. A healthy and vibrant sex life in marriage is a good thing - a wise thing, even. But it is not an ultimate thing, at least, it wasn't designed to be. The problem with this idea of "sexual compatibility" in the popular understanding of the term, is that it creates a paradigm where your partner (and all your partners before marriage - your "test drives") becomes a tool for you to meet your sexual standards and desires, and that is not love.

 

Great sex (while being great), isn't the pinnacle of human existence. Love is. Therefore, "good" sex, in the truest definition of the term, does not come from ecstasy (how great it is) nor does it come from frequency (how often it is), but it comes from intimacy, which is simultaneously a result of and results in love, trust, security and respect.

 

Sex was designed to be so much more than an orgasm and a litmus test for vague, fleeting feelings of connection and compatibility. Unfortunately, we settle for so much less for ourselves.

To me, saying you have to find out if you're "sexually compatible" is just an excuse. Last I checked, most humans are similarly equipped physically, thus I'm pretty sure it will work.

 

Saying "we have to find out if we're sexually compatible before we get married" is a great way to start down the path to a divorce. Sex is great, but if it's one of the main two or three reasons that you're getting married to someone, you're not counting on something that's going to be the main focus of a long-term relationship.

[huKSer]

 

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

 

 

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

 

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

 

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

 

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

 

 

Abraham, David, Solomon . . .

 

http://www.rickbeckman.org/men-of-the-bible-with-multiple-wives/

[Landlord]

 

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

 

 

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

 

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

 

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

 

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

 

 

Abraham, David, Solomon . . .

 

http://www.rickbeckm...multiple-wives/

 

All rebelled against God's design. What's your point?

[walksalone]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

 

I'm gonna simplify that...

 

The "King" is between 19 and 24 and attempting to nail everything that moves...

 

The King has already stated he is in a committed "non" open relationship (haven't and won't cheat - nor will I ask for an open relationship) and was just merely curious about others thoughts because The King is a 21 year old kid who is naive to most of the world and wanted to collect the thoughts of others and -hopefully- their more knowledgeable experiences than what little information on the internet as well as question those that may have formulated an opinion on the topic.

 

I, also, have heard of at least 5 people in the last month and a half (including 1 or 2 on this board) that have been "cheated" on and I'm sure some of you have cheated on your partners, and it caused the end of a relationship. The easy way, is seemingly, to ask for an open relationship if you feel that the relationship is at a level where you are that discontent with your sex life that you are willing to risk the abrupt end of it. I truly do not know. I am trying to learn from others experiences and their opinions because I am curious. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Then its pretty simple, be faithful to your girl, or break up with her, and nail everything that moves...

 

In the words of Mick & Keith, you can't always get what you want...

[NUance]

 

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

 

 

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

 

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

 

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

 

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

 

 

Abraham, David, Solomon . . .

 

http://www.rickbeckm...multiple-wives/

 

All rebelled against God's design. What's your point?

You're painting yourself into a corner.

[strigori]

 

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

 

 

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

 

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

 

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

 

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

 

You want to do it more times per week than your wife does? Serve her in that. In a glorifying, biblical marriage, she will respect you honoring her and she will also, in turn, serve your desires (not your needs; your wants). You will be glad to give up a few romps in the sack as a sacrifice towards her, and she will be glad to give you what you want in loving submission to you.

 

Saying "we aren't sexually compatible" is a selfish justification for your own desires.

I still don't think you are getting the idea. And getting further into it, will require a forum change.

Sex is the 'glue' that bonds a couple closer together, and the glue for long term also. The phrase 'sex is only an issue when there is none' is very true. There is science backing it up also, as sex releases chemicals in the brain that create 'bonding' with the other person.

[zoogs]

I was listening to a BBC R4 program on the topic of monogamy, sexual exclusivity, and open relationships just yesterday!

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b038c0fj

 

It was pretty interesting, and centers around three stories. There's a couple that has sworn to monogamy later in life after marrying in their 50s, two couples who have a sort of combined into one 4-person kind of relationship, and I forget what the other one was. One of the (I think it was some kind of psychologist or counselor?) people interviewed described the traditional closed relationship as one where we negotiate monotony, and open relationships as one where we negotiate jealousy.

 

I've always subscribed to the idea of monogamy, although the other way seems to work quite well for these people. And I do have to recognize that my own preference is shaped by some pretty strong societal norms which may not be constant.

[The King]

I was listening to a BBC R4 program on the topic of monogamy, sexual exclusivity, and open relationships just yesterday!

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk...rammes/b038c0fj

 

It was pretty interesting, and centers around three stories. There's a couple that has sworn to monogamy later in life after marrying in their 50s, two couples who have a sort of combined into one 4-person kind of relationship, and I forget what the other one was. One of the (I think it was some kind of psychologist or counselor?) people interviewed described the traditional closed relationship as one where we negotiate monotony, and open relationships as one where we negotiate jealousy.

 

I've always subscribed to the idea of monogamy, although the other way seems to work quite well for these people. And I do have to recognize that my own preference is shaped by some pretty strong societal norms which may not be constant.

 

This is essentially what I was looking for, thank you. Essentially what shapes the way we are in a relationship - societies acceptance, views, norms of what we do - or what seems logical to that person, which obviously varies from person to person.

 

Also, if necessary, you can move this to a different forum if it will allow the discussion to... continue more in depth.

[The King]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

 

I'm gonna simplify that...

 

The "King" is between 19 and 24 and attempting to nail everything that moves...

 

The King has already stated he is in a committed "non" open relationship (haven't and won't cheat - nor will I ask for an open relationship) and was just merely curious about others thoughts because The King is a 21 year old kid who is naive to most of the world and wanted to collect the thoughts of others and -hopefully- their more knowledgeable experiences than what little information on the internet as well as question those that may have formulated an opinion on the topic.

 

I, also, have heard of at least 5 people in the last month and a half (including 1 or 2 on this board) that have been "cheated" on and I'm sure some of you have cheated on your partners, and it caused the end of a relationship. The easy way, is seemingly, to ask for an open relationship if you feel that the relationship is at a level where you are that discontent with your sex life that you are willing to risk the abrupt end of it. I truly do not know. I am trying to learn from others experiences and their opinions because I am curious. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Then its pretty simple, be faithful to your girl, or break up with her, and nail everything that moves...

 

In the words of Mick & Keith, you can't always get what you want...

 

But it isn't being unfaithful if it is accepted in your relationship.

 

A lot of people say that, but they turn around and cheat on their partner - once again, it causes a lot of issues within a relationship, usually ending in the destruction of the relationship between the two people. You're also assuming it has to do with "nailing" everything that moves. Say your wife has stopped being giving with her body more than once a month. Maybe you want a once a week average.

 

Also, it applies to the female as well. Maybe I'm not giving it up as much as she'd like, but she may truly love me, and we may have great sex, but we just don't have the same "want" for sex as each other. Maybe I'm once a week and she is two or three times a week. It goes both way. It is not only for the man.

 

I don't know how more clear I can be. Instead of being one of the millions of people continually cheating on their spouse, knowing that they are getting into a relationship with someone with a different sex drive, why WOULDN'T you ask for a open relationship?

 

I guess this is more targeted to the folks who have an unhappy sex life (either lacking in quality and/or quantity) in their traditional relationship (resulting in an ending of the relationship) or have cheated on their partner (resulting in the end of the relationship - or possibly are continuing to cheat behind their back and hide it)

[walksalone]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

 

I'm gonna simplify that...

 

The "King" is between 19 and 24 and attempting to nail everything that moves...

 

The King has already stated he is in a committed "non" open relationship (haven't and won't cheat - nor will I ask for an open relationship) and was just merely curious about others thoughts because The King is a 21 year old kid who is naive to most of the world and wanted to collect the thoughts of others and -hopefully- their more knowledgeable experiences than what little information on the internet as well as question those that may have formulated an opinion on the topic.

 

I, also, have heard of at least 5 people in the last month and a half (including 1 or 2 on this board) that have been "cheated" on and I'm sure some of you have cheated on your partners, and it caused the end of a relationship. The easy way, is seemingly, to ask for an open relationship if you feel that the relationship is at a level where you are that discontent with your sex life that you are willing to risk the abrupt end of it. I truly do not know. I am trying to learn from others experiences and their opinions because I am curious. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Then its pretty simple, be faithful to your girl, or break up with her, and nail everything that moves...

 

In the words of Mick & Keith, you can't always get what you want...

 

But it isn't being unfaithful if it is accepted in your relationship.

 

A lot of people say that, but they turn around and cheat on their partner - once again, it causes a lot of issues within a relationship, usually ending in the destruction of the relationship between the two people. You're also assuming it has to do with "nailing" everything that moves. Say your wife has stopped being giving with her body more than once a month. Maybe you want a once a week average.

 

Also, it applies to the female as well. Maybe I'm not giving it up as much as she'd like, but she may truly love me, and we may have great sex, but we just don't have the same "want" for sex as each other. Maybe I'm once a week and she is two or three times a week. It goes both way. It is not only for the man.

 

I don't know how more clear I can be. Instead of being one of the millions of people continually cheating on their spouse, knowing that they are getting into a relationship with someone with a different sex drive, why WOULDN'T you ask for a open relationship?

 

I guess this is more targeted to the folks who have an unhappy sex life (either lacking in quality and/or quantity) in their traditional relationship (resulting in an ending of the relationship) or have cheated on their partner (resulting in the end of the relationship - or possibly are continuing to cheat behind their back and hide it)

 

Women are deceptive, she might be telling you it's ok, when it's really bothering the sh*t out of her, but she's too scared to lose you so she'll do what ever she can to make sure you don't leave her...

 

But hey, if you are going to do what you have to do to make yourself happy at the cost of somebody else, then so be it...

[The King]

Thats why I say it takes a very strong person to SUCCESSFULLY be in a relationship like this and you also have to have very good communication skills.

 

It isn't at the cost of somebody else if they agree to it. Cheating on someone without their consent is at the cost of somebody else.

[ColoradoHusk]

Sounds like King wants his cake, pie, custard, and ice cream and eat them, too.

[walksalone]

Sounds like King wants his cake, pie, custard, and ice cream and eat them, too.

 

yup, and when it all comes back to bite him in the ass, he'll learn, but it'll be the hard way...

[EbylHusker]

A lot of people who think they can be in a truly open relationship quickly find out they can't. I know I couldn't, and wouldn't want to, do it. Those who can actually make it work are by far the exceptions.