Post your best legit-sounding but utterly BS coaching rumor

[TGHusker]

I heard from my cousin who lives across the street from Warren Buffet's modest home in Omaha. My cousin often volunteers to clean Buffet's driveway on snowy days and he has earned Buffet's trust and a few investment tips along the way. He told me that Warren Buffet, as a NU Alum, has taken a personal interest in the hiring of the next coach. Last week he, Buffet, got in touch with one of his old friends on the West Coast to arrange a meeting with 2 prospective candidates. One is a NFL HC and the other a OC of a leading Pac 12 team. Of course we know who those 2 would be. Buffet, known for his investment wizardry, has been putt off by the wasted resources (finances, facilities, and fan good will) under former head coach Bo. He feels that NU football has not paid off, investment wise, as he though it would. If the 2 unnamed west coast coaches don't pan out, then Buffet is willing to front the full $7million to buy out the CSU coach's contract. He believes it would be the best investment he's made since buying into the rail roads after receiving assurances from Obama that he would not approve the Keystone Pipeline. just sayin.... You heard it here first. Believe it now or when it comes to pass. But Believe it - my cousin never lies.

[95huskers]

There won't be a coaching hire.

 

When Tom Osborne lobbied to join the Big Ten in 2000, Barry Alvarez was very upset and threatened by this encroachment onto "his territory" by his former protege. All of 2010 spent digging dirt on Tom. Osborne after this.

 

Right before the Texas A&M game, Alvarez discovered that the Martinez father was illegally profiting off his "Corn Fed" brand. When confronted, Osborne immediately agreed to throw the 2011 game in Madison and signed Bo into an agreement to always play Taylor regardless of condition. Doing so would prove that there was no violation.

 

Classic double-bluff stuff here.

 

Unfortunately, in 2012 the plan backfired when Taylor led the comeback against Wisconsin. Furious, Alvarez bribed Tommie Frazier with a lifetime gift card for red brats and cheese curds from State Street brats to drop an audiotape off at Deadspin headquarters in New York. That audiotape contained a local Youngstown drunk doing a Bo Pelini impression he perfected to win free drinks after Cardinal Mooney football games. In his best Bo voice, he called us all "fair weather fans" and to "kiss his ass out the door". However, to Alvarez's shock, it -rallied- most of our support.

 

We are through the looking glass here, people.

 

Finally, for an endgame he presented Harvey Perlman with a perfect Manchurian Candidate to take over for Tom. Shawn Eichorst is a double agent with a direct wire to Alvarez himself to insure Nebraska folds. In fact, every time you hear Eichorst say "um" that's the code for Alvarez to pipe in another directive.

 

The plan is not hire a coach, waiting so long that the regents, finally have to cut their losses and remove football from the sport list, technically the only decision the Board of Regents is allowed to make.

 

I overheard all of this in an Uber car in Little Rock where Alvarez was on his way to meet with Bill Clinton and Mike Huckabee to "work something out with Bret"

 

PM me for details on that one if you're interested. I've said too much here.

Does this mean Volleyball will be played at Memorial Stadium now?

[clyde40]

My sources told me Charlie Sheen was flown into Lincoln late last night and is set to be introduced as head coach as early as Wednesday morning. Sheen lacks head coaching experience but he can offer enough coke and hookers to compete with SEC recruiting and not to mention... #winning!

[MUTigerFan]

Requirements:

High moral character

Involved in charitable work

Won conference championships

Won national championships

Won Heisman

NFL experience

Very familiar with the media

Would NEVER be turned down for a recruiting home visit.

 

Your next head coach:

 

TIM TEBOW

[alexhortdog95]

Weak effort. Copypasta from the Niners' & Ducks' websites. Boo.

 

Hey, it was short notice!

[Mavric]

Eichorst is in no need of a search firm because he already has his man. As was speculated on 1620, it is a guy who was coaching this past weekend but will not be coaching this coming weekend. He is already familiar with this person as they previously worked together.

 

While both working at Wisconsin, Eichorst became friends with then-Wisconsin Offensive Coordinator and QB coach Paul Chryst. They worked together for five years and Eichorst came to respect his mind for the game and his energy. Upon Eichorst inquiring to Chryst's current employer - the University of Pittsburgh - Chryst received a glowing endorsement. Said Pittsburgh Athletic Director Steve Pederson "I couldn't find a better coach for you if I did the search myself."

 

However, there are rumors from some new members on a Wisconsins for Nebraska message board that Pederson might not have been entirely truthful with his recommendation. Privately, he is said to be glad to be rid of Chryst. He is upset that their program seems to have gravitated toward mediocrity, having finished exactly 6-6 in the last three regular seasons. In fact, Pederson is rumored to have already been looking around himself to see who might be available to prevent Pitt from surrendering the ACC to Florida State and Clemson each year.

[BigRedPowerWagon]

There won't be a coaching hire.

 

When Tom Osborne lobbied to join the Big Ten in 2000, Barry Alvarez was very upset and threatened by this encroachment onto "his territory" by his former protege. All of 2010 spent digging dirt on Tom. Osborne after this.

 

Right before the Texas A&M game, Alvarez discovered that the Martinez father was illegally profiting off his "Corn Fed" brand. When confronted, Osborne immediately agreed to throw the 2011 game in Madison and signed Bo into an agreement to always play Taylor regardless of condition. Doing so would prove that there was no violation.

 

Classic double-bluff stuff here.

 

Unfortunately, in 2012 the plan backfired when Taylor led the comeback against Wisconsin. Furious, Alvarez bribed Tommie Frazier with a lifetime gift card for red brats and cheese curds from State Street brats to drop an audiotape off at Deadspin headquarters in New York. That audiotape contained a local Youngstown drunk doing a Bo Pelini impression he perfected to win free drinks after Cardinal Mooney football games. In his best Bo voice, he called us all "fair weather fans" and to "kiss his ass out the door". However, to Alvarez's shock, it -rallied- most of our support.

 

We are through the looking glass here, people.

 

Finally, for an endgame he presented Harvey Perlman with a perfect Manchurian Candidate to take over for Tom. Shawn Eichorst is a double agent with a direct wire to Alvarez himself to insure Nebraska folds. In fact, every time you hear Eichorst say "um" that's the code for Alvarez to pipe in another directive.

 

The plan is not hire a coach, waiting so long that the regents, finally have to cut their losses and remove football from the sport list, technically the only decision the Board of Regents is allowed to make.

 

I overheard all of this in an Uber car in Little Rock where Alvarez was on his way to meet with Bill Clinton and Mike Huckabee to "work something out with Bret"

 

PM me for details on that one if you're interested. I've said too much here.

Jesus, it all makes sense now. I thought you were bitter for other reasons, now i realize your just pissed because you know the fate of the program all along.

[jjamuss]

I sideline as a hooker some nights. A few weeks ago im hanging out the carlisle hotel in omaha. And im not getting any action, my nylons are really chafing my balls. Im about to call it a night when this black Land Rover pulls up. And what do you know but old sweater vest rolls down the window asks me for a date. I wont go into it any further but ill say he wasnt in the big10 for nothing.

are you sure that wasnt Sandusky in a vest?

[HuskerfaninOkieland]

I just received a text from a very reliable source. What this guy tells me is 99% accurate.

 

We all know Alvarez and SE had a meeting. But it wasn't for any consulting or a bullsh#t session. SE was there to offer Alvarez the soon-to-be vacant HC position. It's been rumored Alvarez is not happy with how Wisconsin has embarrassed his alma matter the past couple of seasons. He was livid when Bo let the Huskers fall apart and is embarrassed Gordon ran for over 400yds. He also hates that stupid "jump around" the fans do in between the 3rd and 4th qtr. Alvarez was hoping after Bret left, he could take over as HC again for the Badgers which is why he coached them in the Rose Bowl. He wanted to prove his naysayers wrong who think he can't coach anymore. When you factor in how Alvarez was "forced" to step down as HC when he truly was not ready to stop coaching, Alvarez has been pretty unhappy with Wiscy. SE knew this and reached out to Alvarez. Alvarez is seriously considering taking the position. The reason there have been so many Tressel sighting is because Tressel was hired by Alvarez to act as a decoy. This keep the pressure off Alvarez and SE allowing them two to work out the details. And the reason we have not heard from Osborne is because Osborne has already given SE his blessing and has reached out to Barry as well.

[Bob Dole Jr]

When I was in the senate with...

 

Fred Thompson, he heard on the set of...

 

Die hard 2 that....

 

Bruce Willis heard while filming...

 

Sin City with...

 

Jaime King who heard from...

 

Jim Rome while making his cameo on...

 

Two for the money, that he got a call from...

 

The sweater vest himself who said he was going to be the head football coach at Nebraska in 2015

[Husker no ka oi]

Bill cowher will be hired. In turn he will hire gruden as the OC. And in a strange turn of events, Bo pelini is rehired as the DC.

 

Now if a player makes a dumb mistake he's got to face those 3 guys. Guaranteed they will make one mistake and never again.

[SuhGirls1Cup]

My good buddy from Columbus said that rumor is going around that Tressel is coming here and he is bringing Braxton Miller with him to play his senior year. Urban is almost certainly going with J.T. as the starter next year, so Miller wants out and wants to play somewhere in the big ten that can contend for a title. Tressel is the one who recruited Miller so he wants to follow him to the sea of red! Going to be fun watching him run that read option and throwing dimes all over the field next year!

[ADS]

Best username ever ^^^

[BigRedPowerWagon]

 

I sideline as a hooker some nights. A few weeks ago im hanging out the carlisle hotel in omaha. And im not getting any action, my nylons are really chafing my balls. Im about to call it a night when this black Land Rover pulls up. And what do you know but old sweater vest rolls down the window asks me for a date. I wont go into it any further but ill say he wasnt in the big10 for nothing.

are you sure that wasnt Sandusky in a vest?

 

Na im in my 30s, he would of had no interest.

[Haspula]

Sources tell me Warren Buffett will step in and pay for the first ever CFB Dream Team

 

HC: Jon Gruden

 

OC: Jimbo Fisher

DC: Nick Saban

 

QB: Gus Malzahn

OL/TE: Kirk Ferentz

RB/Recruiting Coordinator: Frank Wilson

WR/Spedial Teams: Urban Meyer

DL: Bo Davis

LB: Bret Bielema

CB/S: Bo Pelini

Strength and conditioning: Shannon Turley

 

A $100 million dollar package when you combine buyouts and new contracts. Buffett pays it off with straight cash, homie.