Joke

[Roxy15]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”  
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”  
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: 
“Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”

[HUSKER 37]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

[HUSKER 37]

The first condom was invented by

Spoiler

(a group of people that due to political correctness, I no longer feel safe posting about them here..Rhymes with Carobs)

far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

[Roxy15]

[Roxy15]

Life's Demerit System for Men
         Do something she likes, and you get points.
        Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
        You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system: 
SIMPLE DUTIES 
You make the bed. (+1) 
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) 
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3) 
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) 
But return with beer. (-5) 
 SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS 
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1) 
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2) 
Named Tina (-10) 
Who is a dancer. (-10) 
And has breast implants. (-40) 
HER BIRTHDAY 
You take her out to dinner. (+2) 
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) 
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) 
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) 
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10) 
A NIGHT OUT 
You take her to a movie. (+1) 
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5) 
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6) 
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) 
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3) 
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15) 
YOUR PHYSIQUE 
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10) 
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) 
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too" (-180) 
THE BIG QUESTION 
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) 
(Yes, you lose points no matter what !) 
You hesitate in responding. (-10) 
You reply, "Where?" (-35) 
You give any other response. (-20) 

COMMUNICATION 
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) 
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) 
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500) 
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4,000)
Men - ignore this guide at your peril !

[Roxy15]

[Roxy15]

[Roxy15]

[Roxy15]

[Landlord]

laugh

[Roxy15]

[Enhance]

Hey @Roxy15 - just FYI that I have merged several of your recent joke threads into one super thread in order to clean up the forum a bit. Please update this thread with any new jokes you wish to share.

 

Thanks!

[Roxy15]

Thank you!  I forgot there was one joke thread started.  It slipped my mind!

[Roxy15]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[Roxy15]