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Which planet is the worst?


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This isn't the place to grind your axe about Pluto or Ceres or whatever your agenda is, so go start your own thread for that. Nor are we talking about any fictional planets, or whatever. We're not talking about anything not in our solar system, not a planet, or not real. 

 

In this thread we're going to talk about the eight planets bopping about good ol' Sol, and come to a consensus about which one is worst. 

 

Your candidates, and why they suck:

 

Mercury - Closest planet to the Sun. Super hot, but not even the hottest planet in the system. How do you screw that up, Mercury? By sucking, that's how. Uninhabitable. Visually unappealing. Lacking in appreciably good views because half the sky is dominated by the Sun every day. No moons. No rings. Smallest planet. Each day is twice as long as each year

 

Venus - Ever the contrarian, Venus is the only planet rotating counter clockwise. Why? Probably just to be a jerk. Want to go there? Can't. You'd be crushed by the atmosphere because Venus is too stupid to have normal air pressure despite being around the same size as Earth. Also, can you breathe there? No, because the atmosphere is nearly all carbon dioxide and averages 800-something degrees. And you can't see anything because it's a smog planet. 

 

Earth - Every person you hate lives here. Only one moon, and it hates this planet so much it's moving further away every year. It's humid, it contains all of the universe's supply of Cleveland, and you can't fly without an airplane. Think Earth might be smart? Nope. Scientists tell us Earth is literally the most dense planet in the solar system. Dumb as a box of rocks (well, orb of rocks). One Earth year is one year long, like that's original. 

 

Mars - Mars is a rust bucket. Like, literally. The whole stupid planet is rusting. Mars litters itself all over, including Earth, where chunks of Martian rock has been found like interplanetary dandruff. Mars has water but probably just to copy Earth. Mars thinks it's special because it has two satellites, but they're honestly just cast off asteroids and not real moons. Mars is probably drunk all the time which is why its orbit is so janky. Least circular orbit of all the planets. 

 

Jupiter - Most obese planet in the system. Like, mix in a salad, fatty! Jupiter's belly bulges like a couch potato largely due to its super-fast rotation, spinning around in just under ten hours. Like we're supposed to be impressed by this? Is that a super red storm on your belly or did you just spill some jam, lard butt? And those weak-a$$ rings - they look stupid on you. Just stop. Jupiter is a hoarder, collecting more moons than any other planet. One, Ganymede, is bigger than Mercury but such a cowardly baby that it won't go off and just planet about on its own so it stays with its deadbeat couch potato parent planet. Jupiter is honestly just a failed star. Loser.

 

Saturn - The Look At Me planet. Blingy rings, moons, moons, moons. Whatever. Beauty is more than skin deep, and Saturn doesn't have skin. Or a surface. Or any substance much at all, really. It's just a bunch of gas in a ball, like the solar system's fart. Well, OK, deep down there's a metallic little core, so maybe a shart. And this guy's a huge windbag! Air speeds clocking over 1,000mph! Even if you could go to Saturn (which you wouldn't because it sucks) you couldn't have a conversation there. 

 

Uranus - Every 12-year-old giggles because its name sounds so stupid. So boring and uneventful it wasn't even discovered until a couple hundred years ago, and even then nobody really cared enough to give it a cool name. Uranus is even more intoxicated than Mars, laying on its side in the gutter of the solar system because someone bumped into it a while ago. It's all gas but no giant. Cold as butt. Visually unappealing. It's the least-thought-about planet in the neighborhood. 

 

Neptune - The socially awkward planet. You want to love Neptune? Can't, because it's so distant. And it's SLOOOOOOW. Orbit? Sure, that'll take about 160 years or so. Notable? No. So unnotable, in fact, that this stupid planet had to be discovered by math, and its discovery predates the discovery of its biggest moon, Triton, by only a few days. If Neptune ceased to exist today not one person would notice. No one would care. Because Neptune is... 

 

 

 

Oh, sorry. Got bored and didn't finish that sentence. I mean... it's just Neptune.

 

 

 

 

So there are your candidates. Each one of these miserable balls suck in their own way. But only one can be the worst. 

 

Present your arguments. 

 

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18 minutes ago, knapplc said:

This isn't the place to grind your axe about Pluto or Ceres or whatever your agenda is, so go start your own thread for that.

I still feel kinda bad about Pluto. That planet got a raw deal.

 

Anyway, I vote for Neptune. Because I can't find it in the sky (I can't find Uranus either, but the name is too good. Have you ever looked for Uranus?)

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