Excel
All-American
My dearest friends, a few weeks ago I advised you to tear down Memorial and I still think that's a damn fine idea but after the Michigan loss I have a new bit of wisdom I'd like to share; Fire Bo Pelini.
I mean, lets look at his record as a coach.
Clearly this guy is one of the worst coaches in college football...NU deserves better. I've taken the time to prepare a short list of potential candidates for you, my friends, to review at your leisure.
Uday has a long history of coaching, and while largely in soccer, his record in enforcing team discipline is world renown. Father, Saddam had so much confidence in Uday's abilities that he was placed in charge of the national, that's right NATIONAL, soccer team. During practices Uday kept a record for each player with the typical soccer columns to be marked..you know: goals, steals, passes, saves oh and...floggings to be administered by coaches for mistakes. That's right, this guy will literally whip the Huskers into shape. Lose to a crappy team? Uday will make them play with a ball made of concrete!
Unfortunately Uday passed away almost a decade ago but even in his death we see another of his valuable attributes; this man held his ground in the face of hundreds of American Soldiers with probably nothing more than his gold plated Kalashnikov so you know he's a man that stands for what he believes in.
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Former New Mexico Head Coach Mike Locksley is another compelling option in my mind. Taking a page straight from Auburn's play book, Locksley's 2-26 record with the Lobos clearly indicates that he's ready for prime time. I'm willing to bet all my kids' Christmas Presents that he gets the Huskers a MNC within at least two years. (I'm cool with that bet because in two weeks they won't be playing with them anyhow, ingrates!)
Shawn Watson is my final and favorite prospective Head Coach. Watson is a man without equal in today's world. While he's not busy singing for Nickelback, punching pregnant women or living out of his van by the river (for a further record see the Woodshed) he finds time to coach.
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He played in the Big Ten (at the powerhouse that is Illinois) so you know he's got the landscape down and he even coached at NU for like 5 years or something.
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By the way, Bill Callahan hired him so you know he's good. He also kind of looks like Pete Carroll so that's cool too, wait no, its creepy as hell, nevermind.
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PS - Formatting on this post is all eff'd up so I had to use dashes to create line breaks and make it more readable
I mean, lets look at his record as a coach.
- Turned a 5-7 team into a 9-4 team.
- Got the Huskers to two back to back Big XII CCG's (last coach to do such was T.O.)
- Played the top 5 teams in the Big Ten and beat three of them.
- 7-9 record against ranked opponents. (7-6, discounting his first year)
- 3-1 record in bowl games.
- 38-15 overall record and 21-11 record in conference play.
Clearly this guy is one of the worst coaches in college football...NU deserves better. I've taken the time to prepare a short list of potential candidates for you, my friends, to review at your leisure.
- Candidate one (The Drill Sergeant):
Uday "The Task-Master" Hussein* (as Zombie)
Uday has a long history of coaching, and while largely in soccer, his record in enforcing team discipline is world renown. Father, Saddam had so much confidence in Uday's abilities that he was placed in charge of the national, that's right NATIONAL, soccer team. During practices Uday kept a record for each player with the typical soccer columns to be marked..you know: goals, steals, passes, saves oh and...floggings to be administered by coaches for mistakes. That's right, this guy will literally whip the Huskers into shape. Lose to a crappy team? Uday will make them play with a ball made of concrete!
Unfortunately Uday passed away almost a decade ago but even in his death we see another of his valuable attributes; this man held his ground in the face of hundreds of American Soldiers with probably nothing more than his gold plated Kalashnikov so you know he's a man that stands for what he believes in.
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As an added perk if NU somehow manages to reanimate Uday into a zombified form he'll never need sleep or nourishment (aside from brains) so his work ethic and time commitment will be unrivaled.
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- Candidate two (The Gene Chizik):
Mike "Crash and Learn" Locksley
Former New Mexico Head Coach Mike Locksley is another compelling option in my mind. Taking a page straight from Auburn's play book, Locksley's 2-26 record with the Lobos clearly indicates that he's ready for prime time. I'm willing to bet all my kids' Christmas Presents that he gets the Huskers a MNC within at least two years. (I'm cool with that bet because in two weeks they won't be playing with them anyhow, ingrates!)
Locksley also has a propensity for losing to FCS opponents and lets not forget that its the lowest of lows that provide us with life's highest highs, so when you're losing at home to Sam Houston State just remember maybe someday you'll win that big game...yea someday.
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Oh and Mike also let a minor get a DUI while driving his car so you'll never run out of things to talk about during the off-season.
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- Candidate three (The Prodigal Son):
Shawn "That baby don't look like me" Watson
Shawn Watson is my final and favorite prospective Head Coach. Watson is a man without equal in today's world. While he's not busy singing for Nickelback, punching pregnant women or living out of his van by the river (for a further record see the Woodshed) he finds time to coach.
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He played in the Big Ten (at the powerhouse that is Illinois) so you know he's got the landscape down and he even coached at NU for like 5 years or something.
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By the way, Bill Callahan hired him so you know he's good. He also kind of looks like Pete Carroll so that's cool too, wait no, its creepy as hell, nevermind.
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Anyhow, those are just some names I thought of while I was getting drunk on Absinthe. I'm sure there are others and I'd love to hear them...hope my list helps...
This is comic sans
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PS - Formatting on this post is all eff'd up so I had to use dashes to create line breaks and make it more readable
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