THE HORMONE WARNING:

GIFTS FROM GOD

God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.

"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

 
WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,

drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted

whenever she wanted.

The End.

 
WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,

drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted

whenever she wanted.

The End.
Click to expand...
You're right - a fairy tale. Everyone knows a woman has no identity except as provided by the man.

:rollin

 
Hskrfannnwk.........couldn't resist just one more! Us girls gotta stick together!

I shave my legs,

I sit down to pee.

And I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.

I can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,

I can pump my own gas.

Can talk to my friends, about the size of my a$$.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.

At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles, at any cost.

And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.

I never forget an important date.

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies, with lots of gore.

Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a b!^@h.

Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.

In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Look at ME you idiot...

Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,

With Expressing my feelings.

I know when you're lying,

You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,

a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you d!(k!?!

 
D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers

unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you

of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they

moved out

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before

an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and

prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in

enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the

urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such

lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get

naked now?

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,

duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,

anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to

share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same

irritation level as nagging him

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who

can handle it.

 
Danger, They Also Vote. This is pretty scary

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,

he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice

at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this

deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which

direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking

him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my

brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime),

she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...

She ALSO votes!

==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got

a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I

told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .

He ALSO votes!

==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we

overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn

she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible,

but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .

She ALSO votes!

==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through

a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . .

My sister ALSO votes!

==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were

discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier

multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring

attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain

rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose

and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is

turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the

lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional

and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived

yet?".

SHE ALSO votes!

 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top