Eric the Red
Team HuskerBoard
Twas the night before - An Open Letter to Husker Fan
Dear Husker fan:
By now, you are out of your minds with anticipation and anxiety. No longer do you have to study game film from games last September. No longer do you have to turn to channel 7 to watch the 1978 Oklahoma game to get your jollies. Tomorrow is the real thing. No more speculation. No more anticipation. Just you...your faded, now almost pink "Back to Back 94-95" t-shirt....your team.... and your expectations.
Let's chat about those expectations for a moment.
Over the past 20 years, I've had an opportunity to live among you. I've gone to school with you. I've sat in PTA meetings with you. I've walked past you at Bakers as you grab another bottle of Ripple. I've sat next to you at a stop light...I've hung out with you at office parties. All of this experience with you has taught me several things. Not the least of which is the fact that there is ONE thing on earth that hurts you the most...not talking about your failures...not agreeing with you in regards to your future...but to fail to recognize your greatness.
You guys could be 3-7 and down to Baylor by 40 points, and it still wouldn't matter. As long as everybody who crosses your path recognizes you for being the former powerhouse you have built in your mind....all is good with you. You get more pissed off about Sportscenter showing only 3 highlights of your game rather than 5, than you do actual losses. You spend more energy writing hate e-mails to a sportswriter who didn't vote you #1 in 1997 than you do realizing that the glory days are gone. You spend more time talking about your past than Buck O'Neil. Oh, but those days are gone...make no mistake.
Gone are the days where you won with class and dignity. Gone are the days where you actually set some sort of false standard of sportsmanship. Gone are the days where you sat back and patted other teams on the head, commenting on what great competitors they are as you ran up another touchdown and finished off a 55-7 win with some walk-on from Gothenburg. Gone are the days where your classy coach made minimal comments about doing the right thing. Gone are the days where the rest of country admired you for sticking to your principles...running and perfecting an offense that nobody else runs.
A guy who used to coach the Raiders is in charge of your program now...and you are too flippin stupid to see the difference. Perhaps it didn't hit you when he made a throat-slash gesture that would make a 13 year old roll his eyes. Perhaps it didn't hit you when that same guy called a storied program's fans "f*cking hillbillies'...when his own team mascot has an ear of corn in his pocket. Perhaps you don't notice it when yet another Husker player gets arrested for punching a fan or shoving a cheerleader? You don't notice it, because you don't know any f*cking better. The stench of your desperation, and it smells like the back corner of a Fudruckers bathroom at closing time.
And for the most part..you're ALL the f*cking same. You ALL rely on games played 10 years ago to finish arguments. You ALL get your info from Huskerpedia or some other lame-a$$, Gerbels-esque bastion of Propaganda where everybody gets along, and you all argue about who would play Luke Skywalker in a Husker rendition of Star Wars. (And don't even e-mail me that it should be Zac Taylor you f'ing freaks). You ALL expect the world to bend down and kiss your toes because YOU were lucky enough to live in a state that had a reasonably successful football team for a few decades. You can't imagine why you don't get more coverage nationally. You can't understand why you don't have a TV deal like Notre Dame's.
The great thing is....over the past five years or so...you have learned nothing. You still think of yourselves as some sort of power. You still think of yourselves as the greatest ambassadors in all of amateur sports. You still think of yourselves as something ANYBODY else even thinks about at all. If it weren't for a couple of titles in the 90's, you'd be Cal or Virginia. Hell, at this point, you're not too much better than San Jose State. So you beat a Colorado team that completely quit on a lame duck coach. Whoopee doo. So you beat a Michigan team that most Michigan fans would describe as the most gutless, punchless, most mediocre and underachieving Wolverine team in decades. Hell, by listening to you people talk, you would have thought you threw Vince Young aside, and jumped on that podium yourselves in the Rose Bowl last January. Have any of you realized you lost to Kansas and Missouri...two of the losingest programs in the big 12...by a combined 49 points? Not 10 years ago. Not 5 years ago. LESS THAN A YEAR AGO. Did you realize that Bill Callahan is 11-10 vs. D1 schools at Nebraska? Do you realize that you were ONE score up on MAINE last season with 8 minutes to go? Do you realize how BAD of a people person you have to be to get fired less than a year after making it to the Super Bowl? AND YOU EXPECT TO BEAT USC AND CONTEND FOR A NATIONAL TITLE?
Are you people out of your f*cking minds?
But facts are facts...you are hateable for so many other reasons, it's not even funny. You swing by my blog and think you get a little bit fired up? NOTHING on ANY LEVEL in one million lifetimes could match the white-hot raw hatred I have for your team. I f*cking hate everything about you. I hate everything about your teams. From the uniforms, to your ugly a$$ stadium, to your lame-a$$ multi-colored turf, to your sh**ty play-by-play announcer, to your Super Bowl choking coach to your horrible fight song to your overrated Tunnel Walk you stole from the Chicago Bulls to your redneck mascot that sets all Nebraskan's back about 100 years in the eyes of America to the boringness of your helmets, to that annoying tradition of making up names for positions that don't exist, to your arrogant, punchless, myopic, hypocritical, annoying, exasperating, whiney, I-Know-More-Than-You-Cause-I'm-from-Nebraska fans.
If I could sit here for a thousand years and express how easy it is to hate you to the fabric of your very souls....I would. If I could go on TV and rant on and on about how annoying it is to hear about what Husker Wide Receiver has a hangnail this week....in March....I would. If I could write a letter to every college football fan who doesn't have the privilege to see your annoyances, your hideous nature and your hypocritical mannerisms up close....I would.
You can't even phantom how much I despise you. Imagine how pissed off you get just reading ONE fan talking about how they don't respect your greatness...and multiply that by 2.1 million...and that's what you get inside my head. I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried. I couldn't make you understand if I walked up to each and every one of your doors and showed you a 45 minute infomercial.
I hope each and every one of you get what's coming to you. I hope you suffer pain and despair this football season like nothing you have ever experienced before. I hope you realize...somewhere along the way...just how idiotic it is to talk about beating the Defending National Champs (on the road mind you) when you have NO defensive backs...NO running game...NO offensive line..and the 7th best quarterback in the Big 12. Maybe at some point you will think about that as Dewayne Jarrett is catching another touchdown..and the thought slips in your head..."Oh sh#t...that crazy blog guy might be right". And rest assured....every time you start to fail...every time your team starts to lose control....everytime your coach does something stupid...you're going to have me in the back of your mind.
And when that happens...my job is done.
I hope you all catch ghanarhea so painful it would cripple superman.
I hope your cat eats a can of chili and misses the litter box
I hope the milk in your cereal tomorrow morning is fuzzy and green.
I hope you get so desperate, you offer your head job to Houston Nutt. (Oh wait..scratch that)
I hope your doctor runs out of jelly at your next physical
I hope you lose every game by 900 points
I hope Bill Callahan is your coach this time next year
I hate you all and hope rot in hell for all of eternity
HH
Dear Husker fan:
By now, you are out of your minds with anticipation and anxiety. No longer do you have to study game film from games last September. No longer do you have to turn to channel 7 to watch the 1978 Oklahoma game to get your jollies. Tomorrow is the real thing. No more speculation. No more anticipation. Just you...your faded, now almost pink "Back to Back 94-95" t-shirt....your team.... and your expectations.
Let's chat about those expectations for a moment.
Over the past 20 years, I've had an opportunity to live among you. I've gone to school with you. I've sat in PTA meetings with you. I've walked past you at Bakers as you grab another bottle of Ripple. I've sat next to you at a stop light...I've hung out with you at office parties. All of this experience with you has taught me several things. Not the least of which is the fact that there is ONE thing on earth that hurts you the most...not talking about your failures...not agreeing with you in regards to your future...but to fail to recognize your greatness.
You guys could be 3-7 and down to Baylor by 40 points, and it still wouldn't matter. As long as everybody who crosses your path recognizes you for being the former powerhouse you have built in your mind....all is good with you. You get more pissed off about Sportscenter showing only 3 highlights of your game rather than 5, than you do actual losses. You spend more energy writing hate e-mails to a sportswriter who didn't vote you #1 in 1997 than you do realizing that the glory days are gone. You spend more time talking about your past than Buck O'Neil. Oh, but those days are gone...make no mistake.
Gone are the days where you won with class and dignity. Gone are the days where you actually set some sort of false standard of sportsmanship. Gone are the days where you sat back and patted other teams on the head, commenting on what great competitors they are as you ran up another touchdown and finished off a 55-7 win with some walk-on from Gothenburg. Gone are the days where your classy coach made minimal comments about doing the right thing. Gone are the days where the rest of country admired you for sticking to your principles...running and perfecting an offense that nobody else runs.
A guy who used to coach the Raiders is in charge of your program now...and you are too flippin stupid to see the difference. Perhaps it didn't hit you when he made a throat-slash gesture that would make a 13 year old roll his eyes. Perhaps it didn't hit you when that same guy called a storied program's fans "f*cking hillbillies'...when his own team mascot has an ear of corn in his pocket. Perhaps you don't notice it when yet another Husker player gets arrested for punching a fan or shoving a cheerleader? You don't notice it, because you don't know any f*cking better. The stench of your desperation, and it smells like the back corner of a Fudruckers bathroom at closing time.
And for the most part..you're ALL the f*cking same. You ALL rely on games played 10 years ago to finish arguments. You ALL get your info from Huskerpedia or some other lame-a$$, Gerbels-esque bastion of Propaganda where everybody gets along, and you all argue about who would play Luke Skywalker in a Husker rendition of Star Wars. (And don't even e-mail me that it should be Zac Taylor you f'ing freaks). You ALL expect the world to bend down and kiss your toes because YOU were lucky enough to live in a state that had a reasonably successful football team for a few decades. You can't imagine why you don't get more coverage nationally. You can't understand why you don't have a TV deal like Notre Dame's.
The great thing is....over the past five years or so...you have learned nothing. You still think of yourselves as some sort of power. You still think of yourselves as the greatest ambassadors in all of amateur sports. You still think of yourselves as something ANYBODY else even thinks about at all. If it weren't for a couple of titles in the 90's, you'd be Cal or Virginia. Hell, at this point, you're not too much better than San Jose State. So you beat a Colorado team that completely quit on a lame duck coach. Whoopee doo. So you beat a Michigan team that most Michigan fans would describe as the most gutless, punchless, most mediocre and underachieving Wolverine team in decades. Hell, by listening to you people talk, you would have thought you threw Vince Young aside, and jumped on that podium yourselves in the Rose Bowl last January. Have any of you realized you lost to Kansas and Missouri...two of the losingest programs in the big 12...by a combined 49 points? Not 10 years ago. Not 5 years ago. LESS THAN A YEAR AGO. Did you realize that Bill Callahan is 11-10 vs. D1 schools at Nebraska? Do you realize that you were ONE score up on MAINE last season with 8 minutes to go? Do you realize how BAD of a people person you have to be to get fired less than a year after making it to the Super Bowl? AND YOU EXPECT TO BEAT USC AND CONTEND FOR A NATIONAL TITLE?
Are you people out of your f*cking minds?
But facts are facts...you are hateable for so many other reasons, it's not even funny. You swing by my blog and think you get a little bit fired up? NOTHING on ANY LEVEL in one million lifetimes could match the white-hot raw hatred I have for your team. I f*cking hate everything about you. I hate everything about your teams. From the uniforms, to your ugly a$$ stadium, to your lame-a$$ multi-colored turf, to your sh**ty play-by-play announcer, to your Super Bowl choking coach to your horrible fight song to your overrated Tunnel Walk you stole from the Chicago Bulls to your redneck mascot that sets all Nebraskan's back about 100 years in the eyes of America to the boringness of your helmets, to that annoying tradition of making up names for positions that don't exist, to your arrogant, punchless, myopic, hypocritical, annoying, exasperating, whiney, I-Know-More-Than-You-Cause-I'm-from-Nebraska fans.
If I could sit here for a thousand years and express how easy it is to hate you to the fabric of your very souls....I would. If I could go on TV and rant on and on about how annoying it is to hear about what Husker Wide Receiver has a hangnail this week....in March....I would. If I could write a letter to every college football fan who doesn't have the privilege to see your annoyances, your hideous nature and your hypocritical mannerisms up close....I would.
You can't even phantom how much I despise you. Imagine how pissed off you get just reading ONE fan talking about how they don't respect your greatness...and multiply that by 2.1 million...and that's what you get inside my head. I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried. I couldn't make you understand if I walked up to each and every one of your doors and showed you a 45 minute infomercial.
I hope each and every one of you get what's coming to you. I hope you suffer pain and despair this football season like nothing you have ever experienced before. I hope you realize...somewhere along the way...just how idiotic it is to talk about beating the Defending National Champs (on the road mind you) when you have NO defensive backs...NO running game...NO offensive line..and the 7th best quarterback in the Big 12. Maybe at some point you will think about that as Dewayne Jarrett is catching another touchdown..and the thought slips in your head..."Oh sh#t...that crazy blog guy might be right". And rest assured....every time you start to fail...every time your team starts to lose control....everytime your coach does something stupid...you're going to have me in the back of your mind.
And when that happens...my job is done.
I hope you all catch ghanarhea so painful it would cripple superman.
I hope your cat eats a can of chili and misses the litter box
I hope the milk in your cereal tomorrow morning is fuzzy and green.
I hope you get so desperate, you offer your head job to Houston Nutt. (Oh wait..scratch that)
I hope your doctor runs out of jelly at your next physical
I hope you lose every game by 900 points
I hope Bill Callahan is your coach this time next year
I hate you all and hope rot in hell for all of eternity
HH
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