Cathartic Ramblings About Myself

[Landlord]

There goes landlord being his narcissistic-self-absorbed self again (No selfies in this thread I promise).

I've been on Huskerboard for almost seven years now, which is absolutely crazy for me to think about, but the last 6 months or so have been the least enjoyable time I've had on here, which is more frustrating to think about, and I think I've gotten to the point where it will beneficial, at the very least for me personally, and (hopefully) at best for others and for our community, if I process through some of my thoughts. You're of course allowed to think whatever you want about this, but ultimately I'm being honest in saying that this is for me moreso and before it's for anyone else. This is an exercise in catharsis for me - some of this is stuff I've written privately in my journal, and the rest is stuff that helps me purge anxiety and frustration through typing and sharing. My hope is that being honest and transparent will make me less of an bad guy-ish caricature but an actual insecure kid behind a fake exterior. This isn't a pity party, this isn't an excuse, it's not a plea for anything and it's not a self-righteous diatribe. It's just words.

First off, I absolutely feel convicted to apologize for the ways that I have negatively contributed to the board lately. I'm not the same poster that I have been in the past, because I'm not the same man that I have been. In fact I don't feel like much of a man at all these days - more like a shade of a shadow of an attempt at one. I realize, soberly, the extent to which I can just be unpleasant to experience. I hope that the bitterness in my body that seems to be never-ending these days is a season that will end rather than a progression towards my new reality, if that makes sense. It's been a tough few years and I haven't put up much of a fight. If you're familiar with Myers-Briggs, I test out as an ENFJ, which tl;dr means that I am extremely externally focused, extremely people focused, tender, easily excitable, and overly serious, and also means that I can easily turn to dark thoughts and habits when I'm alone, which has been the most consistent variable in my life since 2012.

Some of you are aware of different bits of knowledge of this. I've had people send me incredibly helpful and kind pm's regarding anxiety and depression, offering encouragement and advice and they definitely weren't unheard. At the end of the day my personality just has not been able to respond well to heartbreak, loneliness, anxiety, and curveballs in life, and that manifests itself in a lot of ways. I don't mean for it to affect areas it shouldn't, but I have a hard time compartmentalizing, which leads to the poison occasionally leaking out onto Huskerboard and for that I am sorry and want to do better. I've shared beers with a lot of you guys, and I genuinely consider you friends. Hell, GSG called me the other night asking a religion-related question (he might have been a bit tipsy) and it was just as comfortable as it would be with any friend "irl".

All of that being said, regardless of my own doing, it's become really tiring having seemingly become the resident punching bag of Huskerboard and I don't really get it. A handful of people thought it prudent, without provocation, to let me know that there were a lot of laughs had at my expense while I was gone, which was discouraging. I'm used to being the subject of jokes, but for the majority of my time in this community I've always felt like I was laughing along - lately I just feel laughed at. I have guesses as to why, but that's not really relevant. All I have to say is that it's frustrating.

As mentioned, I'm a tender person. I can imagine a "you need thicker skin" argument in people's heads if they bother reading through this, which might have validity, but I'm wired a certain way and I get that in a community that is predominantly male and also centered around a sport of aggression and toughness, that might make me an easy target. I don't know. But like, I'm tired of being ragged on because I created an opportunity for people to be generous if they wanted. I never begged anyone for anything, and I never expected help, but I have no problem asking for it when I need it. I realize that's low hanging fruit but it's just an example. Another would be my videos. If you think my music choices suck, that's cool, it's totally subjective and I genuinely love watching those for myself and enjoy the music, but I make those videos for you guys to enjoy just as much as myself. So it is so much appreciated if, instead of tearing down, you give me feedback. I literally ask for it and ask for suggestions all the time because I love being able to contribute stuff that people enjoy.

Lastly, regardless of anything that has to do with me, I don't feel like Huskerboard is in a great place right now. And I know I'm not the only one; I've had conversations with at least a handful of other regulars who have stopped coming around nearly as much, and I've also seen others who I used to find very like-minded become similarly more cynical and nasty. I can't put a finger on how or why, but I hope this is also just a season and not the way that things are from now on, because I'm not too high on it. Here's to hoping we go 15-0 next year because I imagine that would do wonders for the overall mood of the board.

If anyone has issues or wants to talk about anything mentioned above, I absolutely welcome it privately or otherwise. Otherwise, take it or leave it, I don't need either, I'll do my best to ignore the "haters" because it's not for them, and I will absolutely embrace being embraced. At the end of the day I (try to) love you guys.

- James

 

[icedavis]

INTJ here.

I hear ya on all of the above and share many similar sentiments. As much as we wish a 15-0 season will help, I think you and I both know that might help but only a bit. The nature of forums, I feel, breeds that kind of mentality and it festers unless the users recognize it, own it and make a concerted effort to change it.

I love the Huskers and I have been around forums for 15-ish years and around here long enough that I feel like the people on this forum are good people (and I can tell when most are being serious versus sarcastic or joking) but anymore I visit far less frequently and don't read anything outside the funny images/BS type threads. Everything else seems to me to be a bunch of know-it-alls projecting things they think they know and others spewing venom. I genuinely enjoy threads where I feel like the posts are informative and insightful (which most seem to start that way), as well as contributing to them, but then it just goes down a nasty rabbit hole. I choose to be very selective with when and what I post (which is reflective in my post count) and I dont get around to the forums generally quick enough to contribute something useful before they get nasty so I typically just read a page or two and then jump out when it starts going downhill.

Like I said, I think the people around here are good people and I think they are above the nastiness but we all can let life affect other things and we need to be reminded now and then that we can only be responsible for ourselves/how we act and that putting our best foot forward is the most productive. Again, if we all recognize it, own it and do our best to change it, this place will definitely turn for the better. I learned a valuable lesson once: It's very easy to be selfish. Every argument I ever had was due to both parties being too selfish even in the smallest statement, it was about how I could serve myself rather than others. Then I was tasked to think back to all the great memories in my life and how they generally all came about from being truly unselfish and giving of myself to others, serving them. It's a noble thing that people take note of but it leaves you in a vulnerable position that other people can and do try to take advantage of. It's not right that they do but I emplore you and everyone here continue to do these unselfish things unapologetically.

I enjoy your videos and hope you continue to make them and grow in your craft and when I post feedback on them I hope you read that they are only meant to be constructive in nature. It's been fun seeing your progression thus far. I can tell when you are really in a good space because your posts are on point, often with one short simple statement. You got some good kinda good in you, so keep on.

 

[NUance]

I've been on Huskerboard for almost seven years now, which is absolutely crazy for me to think about, but the last 6 months or so have been the least enjoyable time I've had on here

<snip>

Lastly, regardless of anything that has to do with me, I don't feel like Huskerboard is in a great place right now.

I think a lot of us feel that way. I know I do from time to time. When I joined HB several years back, after lurking for a while, I made up my mind that I was going to try to be civil towards as many posters as possible. But sometimes I find myself being civil at the expense of failing to express my own convictions about things—for example, religion and politics. By contrast, you don’t pull any punches. You generally let it all hang out, stating exactly what you believe. Your approach is more honest and direct than my own. And I applaud you for that. But one consequence of your honest and direct approach is that others will tend to be more critical of you and take pot shots at you because of your opinions and beliefs. I hope that doesn’t wear on you too much because a lot of us appreciate and agree with the things you have to say. Or at least most of [SIZE=13.63636302948px]the things you have to say[/SIZE] anyway.

All of that being said, regardless of my own doing, it's become really tiring having seemingly become the resident punching bag of Huskerboard and I don't really get it.

Yeah, I suspect this recent post of mine in the Shed might fall into that category. LINK Sorry man. I just didn’t agree with what you said, and responded in a rather acerbic manner. No harm no foul, right?

 

[Lyons in the Sea of Red.]

It's the Internet, brah.

 

[Minnesota_husker]

Good post. I think that internet message boards tend to be an awful place for stuff like this, but this place is more than just a message board.

I have met a lot of people here. Know them by first name, have enjoyed conversations with them.

I cant think of many places i would put up pictures of my wife and myself.. but this board has that close knit feel, or it did.

Recently a few posters realized that by being negative about basically everything, people would find them funny.

And while i do find some of these posters to have their moments, they can sometimes cross the line when it goes from hating on coaches to going after personal stuff shared by other posters...

That being said, LOMS you need to know you set yourself up for that... obviously I think you get that.

All it does is make people like you and others fall back in to the "Only talk football on here".. which is fine, this is a sports themed message board for god sake, but that is just different than what many of us came to know and love about this place.

This all being said.. the way the board has gone cant be blamed on Mods or admins lack of doing their job... more-so it is some posters flirting with the line and therefore not doing enough to receive a ban or a little "vacation". There hands are tied.

This board needs to stay fun, so cant go banning everyone that disagrees. I have no problem calling people out when it comes to football or other areas related to this board... but when people start attacking personal stuff that has been shared, I can understand people taking that personally.

I have met LOMS outside of Huskerboard... He is a normal dude.. as is Count', Knapp, Crewe, Zrod, Tschu, Husker Addict.. all guys i have met outside of here... Dont always have to get along, but also understand that when you revert to personal attacks, you are only driving the board down.

Now lets get back to talking about some Husker football!

 

[It'sNotAFakeID]

James,

The Internet is a tough place. People who you know and have had good interactions and experiences with can be the same people who excoriate you on forums. It's called the online disinhibition effect (http://www.samblackman.org/Articles/Suler.pdf). Basically, people are more willing to display more extreme behaviors online than they would in person. People differ in how consistent they are in-person versus online, but everyone's behavior gravitates to more extreme ends online. It's also unfortunate that most of us only form impressions of each other through the message board, which is influenced by the online disinhibition effect. So our impressions of each other are biased towards the extreme ends of a particular characteristic. Polo is probably not as big of an bad guy in-person as he can be on the board. That's why as many members as possible should swing by the annual spring game tailgate if they are in Lincoln, if for only 5 minutes.

Life is tough and I'm sure what you're going through is not easy. But you know that you have a support system that can help you get through it. So lean on them, that's what they are there for. Don't feel like you're inconveniencing them because of something you may not be able to control. Yes, yes, people like to believe we can control everything about ourselves (though I believe that this is false: http://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/apr/29/neuroscience-david-eagleman-raymond-tallis). For example, you may feel overly anxious about something, but I'm sure it wasn't your choice to feel that way, because who the hell wants to feel anxious?

You're doing what you feel to be right, and that's all that matters. Know that not everyone will like what you do, not everyone liked what Jesus did, and yet he remained who he was, and did what he thought was right. As a religious person, I would think you ascribe to the belief that God has a plan for you and, though it may not appear glamorous right now, that things will get better.

I wish people who disagreed with your music choice would let you know what song might have been better instead of just saying "That song sucks. You suck!" But that's reality. Ignore those people, they aren't part of your targeted audience, then. Honestly, this place would be a lot better if people could give constructive feedback if they disagreed with a post in the forum. But that's reality. Ignore the people who don't provide feedback, listen and embrace the ones who disagree but give feedback, and embrace the ones who liked what you produced.

No, the board isn't in a great spot right now. But neither is Nebraska. We just had a coach who drove a stake right through the heart of Husker nation and forced people to pick sides: BOliever or BOleaver. The roles have essentially flipped now that he is gone. One good season should be enough to change all of that.

 

[B.B. Hemingway]

Good post.

I realize people are wired different, or cut from a different cloth, but I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around your situation. It's clear that you seem to have some real issues. That's unfortunate, and I feel for ya. However, it's equally as clear that these issues can't possibly stem from the members of Huskerboard, or the overall mood of the board. If they do, this place carries way too much clout in your life. Letting a message board even partially dictate your mood seems dangerous.

Log off Huskerboard, and get some help man.

And Good luck.

 

[killer cacti]

I am one that has spoken with Landlord about many of the situations he's stated above, and I'm one of the ones who don't come around as often. Like Minnesota said, I used to look at this place as family, I'd share pics of my family and exciting news about my son being born, now it's extremely different.

In 2008 before the Gator Bowl, I came here and was extremely surprised at how well I, an opponent, was accepted. Just a few weeks ago you guys jumped on some lady who joined. I backed her up, because I remembered how well you guys accepted me and hoped you would do the same for her, and all I got in return were posts about how Mrs. Cacti wouldn't like what was going on and how me & this lady had something going on. It's purely childish the way some people act here - to pile on to a new person like that. Yeah, she was a bit different, but she deserved a fair chance.

I very rarely visit the Football board anymore, because it's just hell to read some of those posts. I absolutely refuse to even click on the politics & religion, because everyone that claims to be entitled to their own opinion absolutely blasts others for theirs. I mainly stick to the BS forum, posting my work into the Feedback post that noone ever comments or probably even reads, but it's a bit therapeutic for me. Makes me feel like I'm getting my work out there for people to see.

As far as Landlord, you guys have to realize that he moved away from pretty much everyone & everything he knew to go to ATL. Huskerboard was a constant for him, at any point he could come here and there was a sense of family, at least until he felt that he was being attacked. He would get bummed every time he was sent on a "vacation." I know it was his doing by moving to Atlanta, but have some patience. He's about to move again & it may be the same type scenario with him not knowing anyone. Just remember that because this is a website it can be a constant when everything else is people's "outside" lives may be chaotic. So stop with the "it's the internet" crap and have a bit of patience with everyone. Most people have a reason to think, say & act the way they do. If you give them a chance to come forward with it, it would be best for everyone here.

 

[NUpolo8]

Good post.

I realize people are wired different, or cut from a different cloth, but I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around your situation. It's clear that you seem to have some real issues. That's unfortunate, and I feel for ya. However, it's equally as clear that these issues can't possibly stem from the members of Huskerboard, or the overall mood of the board. If they do, this place carries way too much clout in your life. Letting a message board even partially dictate your mood seems dangerous.

Log off Huskerboard, and get some help man.

And Good luck.

Great post and the best advice given so far.

If you're sick, get help, kimosabe.

 

[knapplc]

I'd only add to the above advice that it is NOT a good idea to divulge so much about yourself online. Your future prospective employers are going to google your name, and especially in your case where you use your actual factual name online, they're going to see a mountain of things that you won't want them to see. From your perspective of youth it probably seems like you're being honest and forthright by doing this, but it will come back to bite you one day, that I can guarantee.

The internet is forever. Be careful what you put out there. HuskerBoard's reactions to your level of openness may be the least of your worries in the future.

 

[zoogs]

Landlord, hang in there, my friend.

 

[Minnesota_husker]

I'd only add to the above advice that it is NOT a good idea to divulge so much about yourself online. Your future prospective employers are going to google your name, and especially in your case where you use your actual factual name online, they're going to see a mountain of things that you won't want them to see. From your perspective of youth it probably seems like you're being honest and forthright by doing this, but it will come back to bite you one day, that I can guarantee.

The internet is forever. Be careful what you put out there. HuskerBoard's reactions to your level of openness may be the least of your worries in the future.

I hope they google me and saw that I won the Huskerboard Hotchick draft.

That is a badge of honor.

I hope they stop searching Huskerboard shortly after that though, because i have said some things on here that might not be desirable.

 

[darkhorse85]

I'd only add to the above advice that it is NOT a good idea to divulge so much about yourself online. Your future prospective employers are going to google your name, and especially in your case where you use your actual factual name online, they're going to see a mountain of things that you won't want them to see. From your perspective of youth it probably seems like you're being honest and forthright by doing this, but it will come back to bite you one day, that I can guarantee.

The internet is forever. Be careful what you put out there. HuskerBoard's reactions to your level of openness may be the least of your worries in the future.

I hope they google me and saw that I won the Huskerboard Hotchick draft.

That is a badge of honor.

I hope they stop searching Huskerboard shortly after that though, because i have said some things on here that might not be desirable.

At least you didn't make threads about big boners and hot steamy schlongs. But I also don't associate my real name with message boards. The interwebz is a scary place.

 

[B.B. Hemingway]

The internet... respects it's impact, but don't take it to seriously...

 

[BigRedBuster]

I tend to not divulge anything too personal on here other than my opinion.

That said, honestly, I think what you see here is a bigger part of Husker nation. Honestly, when I lived out of state, I dreamed of the day when I could live in Nebraska again so I could call friends up and have watch parties...etc.

After about 5 years, I finally realized, I don't like watching games with one heck of a lot of Husker fans because they tend to be so negative and cynical about everything. We could win a game by three TDs and for an hour they would sit around and b!^@h about various things about the game. What is the fun in that?

On this board you see the same types of attitudes. People for some reason find it fun to be negative. That is just not me. I have absolutely no desire to have my entertainment to be negative.

I have no idea why this is. So, I sit at home with my family, we have our own little tail gate and watch the games on my own big screen. I come here to learn what is going on with the program and have a few conversations. I know who to ignore and not take seriously. I know if someone tries to make something personal, they are just being an idiot because they really don't know me.

I wish it were different. But, it's just the way it is.

Cheer up Bud.....Life gets better.