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There is no speed of light, onl;y the Speed where Matt Slauson decided to stop racing the sun because Matt Slauson hates to sweat

 
Matt Slauson can break a sweat...literally.

When Matt Slauson seizes the day, we experience a thing called sunset.

If you play Monopoly with Matt Slauson, you do not pass Go, you do not collect two hundred dollars. You're lucky to make it out alive.

If you play the boardgame Life with Matt Slauson, you'd be better off just calling it Death.

The last time they put Matt Slauson in to block, it caused the dust bowl.

The nice thing about the O-line starting stance is that Slauson will already have dug at least one grave each time the ball is snapped.

 
Jesus can walk on water, but Matt Slauson can walk on Jesus.

Matt Slauson drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

In a tagteam match, Matt Slauson was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

 
When the going gets tough...the tough gets Matt Slauson

When Matt Slauson attends a rodeo...the bulls ride Matt Slauson

Matt Slauson does not dance...the ground moves for Matt Slauson

Matt Slauson has no tattoos...there are no needles strong enough to pierce the skin of Matt Slauson

Matt Slauson does not lift weights...the weights jump off of Matt Slauson

When Matt Slauson takes a dump...he wipes with 30-grit sandpaper

When Matt Slauson saw Nightmare on Elm Street...Freddy had nightmares of Matt Slauson

 
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