Cy the Cyclone
Starter
Official Memo to the NCAA
Subject: Parity in the Big 12 North
Dear NCAA
This is to inform you that the Iowa State University football program did not receive its allotted shipment of parity for the 2007 football season. Not only did the Cyclones not receive its allocation of parity, but, we have come to suspect that said parity was actually divided and then diverted to the University of Kansas, Missouri and Colorado. This is the only way that their success during 2007 football seasons can be explained. While our official investigators here in Ames cannot say for certain if this is a result of your organization’s bumbling incompetence (though there is ample precedent and examples which do, in fact, attest to your history of bumbling incompetence) or if it is due to the underhanded hijacking of said shipments by the aforementioned schools (who also have a documented history of such cheap tricks and stunts). As a law-abiding university we demand that Iowa State University receives its fully allotted shipment of parity for the 2008 football season. If, for any reason, the Cyclones show any signs of lack of competitiveness in the Big 12 North in 2008 we shall be forced to assign all blame to the NCAA and proceed with legal actions including but not limited to:
All ISU Football Games will be declared “Home” games and be played in Ames – Over the past 6 years, ISU has a record of 25 – 15 for home games and a record of 5 – 28 when away. All games will be played in Ames in order to improve the parity deficit.
Academic eligibity standards for all school in the Big 12 North will be raised to maintaining a 1.5 grade point average (thus eliminating teams from CU and MU while severely depleting KU’s roster). Schools unable to field a football team after these standards are instituted will be replaced with academically approved schools including but not limited to Drake, Creighton and Minnesota State…
Any team finishing above ISU in the standings will be investigated and, if found to be complicit in the theft of ISU’s share of parity, will be removed from the Big 12 North immediately and transferred to the SEC. These teams will be replaced with regional teams from weak divisions including, but not limited to Minnesota, Wyoming and Colorado School of Mines…
Teams found in possession of the parity meant for ISU will be barred from recruiting in any state other than Alaska though recruiting in any country that ends in “stan” will still be allowed.
Thank you very much for your time. Hoping for a successful and exciting 2008-2009 football season.
Cy the Cyclone
Self Proclaimed Athletic Dictator
Big Red Bird Mascot Thingie
&
Guy That Holds The Yard Marker Every Now and Then
Subject: Parity in the Big 12 North
Dear NCAA
This is to inform you that the Iowa State University football program did not receive its allotted shipment of parity for the 2007 football season. Not only did the Cyclones not receive its allocation of parity, but, we have come to suspect that said parity was actually divided and then diverted to the University of Kansas, Missouri and Colorado. This is the only way that their success during 2007 football seasons can be explained. While our official investigators here in Ames cannot say for certain if this is a result of your organization’s bumbling incompetence (though there is ample precedent and examples which do, in fact, attest to your history of bumbling incompetence) or if it is due to the underhanded hijacking of said shipments by the aforementioned schools (who also have a documented history of such cheap tricks and stunts). As a law-abiding university we demand that Iowa State University receives its fully allotted shipment of parity for the 2008 football season. If, for any reason, the Cyclones show any signs of lack of competitiveness in the Big 12 North in 2008 we shall be forced to assign all blame to the NCAA and proceed with legal actions including but not limited to:
All ISU Football Games will be declared “Home” games and be played in Ames – Over the past 6 years, ISU has a record of 25 – 15 for home games and a record of 5 – 28 when away. All games will be played in Ames in order to improve the parity deficit.
Academic eligibity standards for all school in the Big 12 North will be raised to maintaining a 1.5 grade point average (thus eliminating teams from CU and MU while severely depleting KU’s roster). Schools unable to field a football team after these standards are instituted will be replaced with academically approved schools including but not limited to Drake, Creighton and Minnesota State…
Any team finishing above ISU in the standings will be investigated and, if found to be complicit in the theft of ISU’s share of parity, will be removed from the Big 12 North immediately and transferred to the SEC. These teams will be replaced with regional teams from weak divisions including, but not limited to Minnesota, Wyoming and Colorado School of Mines…
Teams found in possession of the parity meant for ISU will be barred from recruiting in any state other than Alaska though recruiting in any country that ends in “stan” will still be allowed.
Thank you very much for your time. Hoping for a successful and exciting 2008-2009 football season.
Cy the Cyclone
Self Proclaimed Athletic Dictator
Big Red Bird Mascot Thingie
&
Guy That Holds The Yard Marker Every Now and Then
