Friend Zone maybe AND shes having bf issues

[HUSKER 37]

There's worse things than being "just friends".

As I've gotten older, and now live half a continent away from most of my old friends, I've come to realize that most of my deepest remaining friendships are with girls that used to be "with bennefits".

Sometimes I wish I could go back and not ignore the ones that only wanted friendship just because I was afraid it would get in the way of my secret crush on them.

Also..Try to imagine you were in a difficult relationship of youe own and had a "girl next door" hanging around trying to get any "scraps" from you..In the end, would you ever really respect her? (Especially if she kept pointing out all your gf's faults?)

 

[cHUSKERis]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Glad to know that I've got the Huskerboard supporting me lol.

Anyways, I am not "the guy" who is gonna try and ruin her relationship. I've pretty much gotten over her. Heck I hadn't seen her for over 4 months. The reason why we even hung out the other day is shes buying my car. Thats it, and all of the recent texts I have sent her are related to the car. Ever since she told me that shes dating this guy I have not once asked to hang out with her. We do text about other random stuff, like whether a movie is good, or a new song we heard, etc.

All I expected to do the other day was head over, let her test drive it, and then leave. I didn't expect a full hour of talking after that. We were just catching up and I asked her whether she was hanging with her bf soon and if I should leave, and she tells me that she doesn't want to because they are going to have a fight, and then she tells me about whats going on. Another thing I am trying to figure out is that when I went to leave SHE hugged me, again not expecting it. And it was way longer then it should have been if it was just a friendly hug.

As far as the OP goes, sorry chris but it sounds like you are already squarely in her friend zone. Just the fact that she confides in you about her douchey BF is a bad sign. Take it from me, this is not the position you want to be in. It took me years to realize that the last person in the world a girl wants to be involved with is someone they can lean on and trust 100%. Sure it makes no damn sense, but that's women for you.
Can I ask without getting to specific, whether you two ever fooled around when you dated? And was she in this relationship at the time? I only ask, because that can be a good way to determining what this girls feelings are towards you.

We went out a few times, took her to some movies, hung at her place a few times, made out once. She was not dating her current bf at the time we were doing all that. Most of our relationship though has been through texting and phone calls.

 

[CornHOLIO]

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

Between the "yummy" remarks about a picture of Eric Crouch and the extensive knowedge of fashion as it pertains to frat wear, I always thought you were gay. ("not that there's anything wrong with that").

 

[Roxy15]

Being in a relationship there has to be trust if it is going to work. I hope you decide to back off and let her figure it out and don't put your life on hold. He is a control freak by going through her phone meassages and that to me would be a big warning sign! If she thinks it is going to stop there..she is wrong..but that is something she has to figure out on her own. Without going into details about what I went through a very long time ago...she has to be the one to make the decision to leave! No matter how much advice she is getting from friends, etc..she has to be the one to say "enough is enough" and leave. One control thing will lead to another...telling her what time to come home..what friends she can have and not have etc. It isn't fun! She has to figure this out for herself and who knows how long that will take. Date other women..there is someone out there for you...you shouldn't have to put your life on hold! If it is meant to be and you both have talked alot and I mean ALOT..You will be together..let time run its course. A right to be jealous??? for him to go through her phone messages???? and that makes it ok??? That is totally stupid and uncalled for him to do what he did period! She isn't married to the guy and that doesn't make it ok for him to do that! If you are in a relationship..married or not..there has to be trust and most of all...always be best friends

 

[Apathy]

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? Maybe you can watch it with her without the boyfriend knowing or let her watch it alone without the BF knowing. After, tell her you don't wake up in 30 years and feel like you are Harry and she is Sally. Kind of corny but you got nothing to lose. If she looks at you and says the same thing, be prepared to spend the rest of your life with her. Tell her to break up with her loser BF and you guys need to move out of the "friend zone".

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

:rant

First of all was this seriously called for in your first sentence? Not everybody my have the correct answer/advice for this guy, you and me included but, at least we're trying to help him in any way we can.

Second you talk about messing up his game and your game. This isn't hunting where you're trying to get that trophy buck and then next week you're going fishing trying to catch that big one and then turkey hunting the next week, this is dating starting a relationship not hunting. I lost your whole rant when you started talking about this game like you're some sort of player or something....not saying you are but thats what I got out of it. Maybe your ex g/f's "guy friend" had a right telling her some stuff about you.....just saying.

:rant

 

[UGAHusker]

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? Maybe you can watch it with her without the boyfriend knowing or let her watch it alone without the BF knowing. After, tell her you don't wake up in 30 years and feel like you are Harry and she is Sally. Kind of corny but you got nothing to lose. If she looks at you and says the same thing, be prepared to spend the rest of your life with her. Tell her to break up with her loser BF and you guys need to move out of the "friend zone".

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

First of all was this seriously called for in your first sentence? Not everybody my have the correct answer/advice for this guy, you and me included but, at least we're trying to help him in any way we can.

Second you talk about messing up his game and your game. This isn't hunting where you're trying to get that trophy buck and then next week you're going fishing trying to catch that big one and then turkey hunting the next week, this is dating starting a relationship not hunting. I lost your whole rant when you started talking about this game like you're some sort of player or something....not saying you are but thats what I got out of it. Maybe your ex g/f's "guy friend" had a right telling her some stuff about you.....just saying.

Jock, jock, JOCK…you just had to take it there, and yes, my answer in regards to not being the whiney "guy friend" IS the correct answer. I'm very pleased cHUSKERis does not appear to be taking this path.

By game, I am referring to a relationship. By telling a girl "to break up with her loser boyfriend" you are attempting to break up a relationship. Pretty classy way to begin "dating starting a relationship" as you like to say..."just saying."

 

[UGAHusker]

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

Between the "yummy" remarks about a picture of Eric Crouch and the extensive knowedge of fashion as it pertains to frat wear, I always thought you were gay. ("not that there's anything wrong with that").

This is hilarious. I used to fantasize about HuskerJen all time time, didn't that make me straight...wait.

I can't remember making those Crouch comments, but I'm sure I probably did at some point in jest. When my parents see me dressed up for game day they usually ask me what fraternity my date is from, so I see where you're coming from. Sorry to burst your bubble

 

[knapplc]

This thread is fast becoming epic. :laughpound

Some really great advice here, though.

 

[CornHOLIO]

First of all, relationships went out, in like, the 90s. Second, if you are heart-set on this girl, just use the classic, "be nice, slowly break down the self-esteem, get her to do whatever you want." But this whole situation is pretty messed up anyways. Nobody likes douchey guy "friends" (not saying that you're one of these guys, but it's a possibility) who hang around and try to pounce once things start going badly...Nobody.

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

Between the "yummy" remarks about a picture of Eric Crouch and the extensive knowedge of fashion as it pertains to frat wear, I always thought you were gay. ("not that there's anything wrong with that").

This is hilarious. I used to fantasize about HuskerJen all time time, didn't that make me straight...wait.

I can't remember making those Crouch comments, but I'm sure I probably did at some point in jest. When my parents see me dressed up for game day they usually ask me what fraternity my date is from, so I see where you're coming from. Sorry to burst your bubble

How could you not be attracted to a girl that knew so much about Football? Unless you spent a lot of time on Shaggybevo? (look up "Longhorns girl" and watch how they turn on her).

But with your statement about "relationships went out, in like, the 90s" and "just use the classic, "be nice, slowly break down the self-esteem, get her to do whatever you want." may be tongue in cheek, but also probably shows a deeper hatred of the fairer sex, and ....There's just some people out there that may not be...but they have that gay gene and maybe should be..

 

[knapplc]

That'll be enough of the gay insinuations. If you want to question someone's sexual preference do it in a PM.

 

[CornHOLIO]

That'll be enough of the gay insinuations. If you want to question someone's sexual preference do it in a PM.

Sorry..Didn't mean to gaybash at all..Just wondering if I need to recalibrate my "gaydar"

I'm trying to be more accepting as I get older, but maybe still not ok to discuss it openly yet?

 

[holvy83]

I had a similar situation like this a couple years ago, the only thing to add is DON'T pass up the opportunity to wait for this girl to come around to YOU. I went from girl to girl thinking i would hold out until she came around until finally I met someone who I totally loved hanging out with and basically gave up on her and ended up MARRYING this girl who I have a beautiful daughter with. Things always work out, but waiting for someone who keeps you on a string might lead to missing the one you were meant to be with.

 

[UGAHusker]

First of all, relationships went out, in like, the 90s. Second, if you are heart-set on this girl, just use the classic, "be nice, slowly break down the self-esteem, get her to do whatever you want." But this whole situation is pretty messed up anyways. Nobody likes douchey guy "friends" (not saying that you're one of these guys, but it's a possibility) who hang around and try to pounce once things start going badly...Nobody.

Ok, I was kinda joking before, but now I see that some really lame advice is being given out like candy. mmmtodd has it right, chill out, back off and see what happens with things. Seriously, think about how you would feel if you and your girlfriend were having some issues that you wanted to work through and some douchey "guy friend" of hers was whispering in her ear how much of a loser you were and was trying to stir things up in an attempt to get you to break up. It would drive you freakin' crazy. That being said, NOBODY likes the whiney, "guy friend" who always longs after the girl and messes up other guys' game because he really wants to be with her. Talk to her about her relationship like you would a friend you weren't trying to date and let her approach you. When you go out of your way to mess up some other guy's game because you want to be "more than friends", you open yourself up to look like a complete tool and your reputation will suffer because of it. When and if she comes to you, great, but other than that, let things run their course.

Full disclosure. Not something I'm really proud of, but true story. I'm not an aggressive guy who goes out looking for fights, but a girl I was kinda dating freshman year of college told me that her "guy friend" from high school had told her some "bad" stuff about me (to be honest, some of it was true) claiming he was protecting her from me (protecting not from anything physical, he just figured I was jacking her around) The point is, this guy lived on my hall and we didn't get along at all. After she told me this, I took her home, went back to my dorm, found him in the study hall and punched him in the face. Granted, I hated the guy anyways and this was a good excuse to hit him, but that he would try and mess up my game because he was a "guy friend" who didn't want me to date her put me over the top. Have a great night!

Between the "yummy" remarks about a picture of Eric Crouch and the extensive knowedge of fashion as it pertains to frat wear, I always thought you were gay. ("not that there's anything wrong with that").

This is hilarious. I used to fantasize about HuskerJen all time time, didn't that make me straight...wait.

I can't remember making those Crouch comments, but I'm sure I probably did at some point in jest. When my parents see me dressed up for game day they usually ask me what fraternity my date is from, so I see where you're coming from. Sorry to burst your bubble

How could you not be attracted to a girl that knew so much about Football? Unless you spent a lot of time on Shaggybevo? (look up "Longhorns girl" and watch how they turn on her).

But with your statement about "relationships went out, in like, the 90s" and "just use the classic, "be nice, slowly break down the self-esteem, get her to do whatever you want." may be tongue in cheek, but also probably shows a deeper hatred of the fairer sex, and ....There's just some people out there that may not be...but they have that gay gene and maybe should be..

I see your point Cornholio (are you threatening me!!??) but consider that ALL relationships went out in the 90s, (man/woman, man/man, woman/woman, man/beast, etc.) so I wasn't particularly picking on women. And if you send me a PM "questioning my sexual preference" I'll think that you're...weird.

 

[knapplc]

That'll be enough of the gay insinuations. If you want to question someone's sexual preference do it in a PM.

Sorry..Didn't mean to gaybash at all..Just wondering if I need to recalibrate my "gaydar"

I'm trying to be more accepting as I get older, but maybe still not ok to discuss it openly yet?

I have no idea what you're talking about. There's nothing wrong with being gay or talking about GLBT people. It's just never been cool to sit around and speculate about someone's sexuality because - news flash - it's not our business, just like it's not our business to sit around and discuss whether Killer Cacti and his wife got busy on their honeymoon.

I thought everyone was pretty clear on this stuff by now. I didn't hottub back to 1985, did I?

 

[74Hunter]

No, I'd say make your move.

It's tough to get out of the 'friend zone', but you'll never get out if you never try. The only reason to not try is because you're afraid of the risk. But if you really like her that much, you'd be willing to take the risk. All or nothing, right? If you aren't willing to go for for it because 'being close friends' is an acceptable fallback option, what does that tell her?

Ultimately, you can only have one goal: 'be friends with her' or 'be more than friends with her.' Picking one might well sacrifice the other though. Also I think reason to be jealous doesn't really justify going through her phone...

disclaimer...I'm not really one to be giving advice, though

I agree, you only live once and you don't want to think about "what if." Besides, you are not doing the other girls you have been seeing any justice if you have feelings for her.

Also, if you are really that good of friends with her, it may make things a little awkward for awhile, but she will understand and forgive you if she says no, and you would have to do the same. But then again, relationships don't work too well for me, fwiw.

I did the something similar recently, and it didn't work out for me. Sucks, but I still feel comfortable around her and I feel better getting it off my chest.