Eric the Red
Team HuskerBoard
George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
> > >
> > > New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > classmates.com !
> > > There's a
> > > reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
> > Because you don't
> > > particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the
> > captain of the football
> > > team is
> > > doing these days: mowing my lawn.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > out a window
> > > unless you're
> > > a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
> > human finger was
> > > found in a
> > > bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > dollar. What did
> > > you expect
> > > it to contain? Trout?
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > sex with their
> > > hot, blonde
> > > teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
> > description for
> > > these
> > > kids: lucky bastards.
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
> > collect baseball
> > > cards, you're
> > > a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
> > of your idols. If
> > > you're a
> > > grown man, they're pictures of men.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > Here's how much men
> > > care about
> > > your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
> > we're done.
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > There's a whole
> > > aisle of
> > > this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
> > that watery taste.
> > > Sorry,
> > > but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
> > want flavored water?
> > > Pour
> > > some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
> > flavored water.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
> > introducing a
> > > redesigned
> > > pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
> > And the top is now the
> > > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
> > open it, his a$$
> > > will be
> > > in the morgue. ! Congratulations, Target, you just
> > solved the
> > > Social Security crisis.
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > order, the bigger the
> > > a$$hole.
> > > If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
> > grande half-soy,
> > > half-low
> > > fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > cappuccino, extra dry,
> > > light
> > > ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"
> > ooh, you're a huge
> > > a$$hole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
> > up from sliding
> > > my card,
> > > entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
> > verifying the amount,
> > > deciding,
> > > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
> > again, the kid who is
> > > supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
> > eating my Almond Joy.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > characters in it
> > > doesn't make
> > > you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
> > a$$. And it
> > > translates to
> > > "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > anything spiritual, you
> > > were
> > > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not!
> > spiritual. You're
> > > just
> > > high.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
> > one of the seven
> > > deadly
> > > sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
> > Competitive Eating,
> > > because
> > > watching those athletes at the poker table was
> > just too damned
> > > exciting.
> > > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
> > already doing
> > > that. It's
> > > called "The Howard Stern Show."
> > >
> > > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
> > extra hungry for
> > > M&Ms, I'll
> > > go nuts and eat two.
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
> > movies based on
> > > crappy, old
> > > television shows, then you have to give everyone
> > in the Cineplex a
> > > remote so
> > > we can see what's playing on the other screens.
> > Let's remember the
> > > reason
> > > something was a television show in the first place
> > is that the idea
> > > wasn't
> > > good enough to be a movie.
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > used to be just for
> > > weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
> > graduations from
> > > rehab.
> > > Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> > people buy it for
> > > you isn't
> > > gift giving, it's the white people version of
> > looting.
> > >
> > > New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
> > bathroom
> > > attendants. After I
> > > zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
> > like I just had
> > > sex with
> > > George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
> > to be there, or
> > > just some
> > > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
> > webcam, dude. I
> > > just want to
> > > wash my hands.
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > don't need to know in
> > > months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
> > fine. He's not a
> > > cheese. And I
> > > didn't really care in the first place.
> > >
> > > New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > classmates.com !
> > > There's a
> > > reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
> > Because you don't
> > > particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the
> > captain of the football
> > > team is
> > > doing these days: mowing my lawn.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > out a window
> > > unless you're
> > > a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
> > human finger was
> > > found in a
> > > bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > dollar. What did
> > > you expect
> > > it to contain? Trout?
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > sex with their
> > > hot, blonde
> > > teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
> > description for
> > > these
> > > kids: lucky bastards.
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
> > collect baseball
> > > cards, you're
> > > a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
> > of your idols. If
> > > you're a
> > > grown man, they're pictures of men.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > Here's how much men
> > > care about
> > > your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
> > we're done.
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > There's a whole
> > > aisle of
> > > this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
> > that watery taste.
> > > Sorry,
> > > but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
> > want flavored water?
> > > Pour
> > > some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
> > flavored water.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
> > introducing a
> > > redesigned
> > > pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
> > And the top is now the
> > > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
> > open it, his a$$
> > > will be
> > > in the morgue. ! Congratulations, Target, you just
> > solved the
> > > Social Security crisis.
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > order, the bigger the
> > > a$$hole.
> > > If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
> > grande half-soy,
> > > half-low
> > > fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > cappuccino, extra dry,
> > > light
> > > ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"
> > ooh, you're a huge
> > > a$$hole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
> > up from sliding
> > > my card,
> > > entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
> > verifying the amount,
> > > deciding,
> > > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
> > again, the kid who is
> > > supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
> > eating my Almond Joy.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > characters in it
> > > doesn't make
> > > you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
> > a$$. And it
> > > translates to
> > > "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > anything spiritual, you
> > > were
> > > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not!
> > spiritual. You're
> > > just
> > > high.
> > >
> > > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
> > one of the seven
> > > deadly
> > > sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
> > Competitive Eating,
> > > because
> > > watching those athletes at the poker table was
> > just too damned
> > > exciting.
> > > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
> > already doing
> > > that. It's
> > > called "The Howard Stern Show."
> > >
> > > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
> > extra hungry for
> > > M&Ms, I'll
> > > go nuts and eat two.
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
> > movies based on
> > > crappy, old
> > > television shows, then you have to give everyone
> > in the Cineplex a
> > > remote so
> > > we can see what's playing on the other screens.
> > Let's remember the
> > > reason
> > > something was a television show in the first place
> > is that the idea
> > > wasn't
> > > good enough to be a movie.
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > used to be just for
> > > weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
> > graduations from
> > > rehab.
> > > Picking out the stuff you want and having other
> > people buy it for
> > > you isn't
> > > gift giving, it's the white people version of
> > looting.
> > >
> > > New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
> > bathroom
> > > attendants. After I
> > > zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
> > like I just had
> > > sex with
> > > George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed
> > to be there, or
> > > just some
> > > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your
> > webcam, dude. I
> > > just want to
> > > wash my hands.
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > don't need to know in
> > > months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just
> > fine. He's not a
> > > cheese. And I
> > > didn't really care in the first place.
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