ATLANTA, GA — At approximately 11 pm Saturday night, CBS sports announcer Gary Danielson realized it was time to head for the emergency room.
“Every single commercial for a male virility pill, like Viagra or Cialis, says that if your erection lasts for more than four hours, then you should call a doctor,” Danielson said. “Well I had the biggest Tebowner of my life yesterday, and it started about 3 pm eastern time and it wasn’t gone by 11 pm, and I knew it wasn’t even close to being gone, so I came to the ER.”
The Tebowner seems to have been a direct result of Tim Tebow’s dominant performance in the SEC Championship game against the Alabama Crimson Tide. As of the publication of this piece, Danielson remained in care with a lot of attention being paid to him, as doctors worked in vain to figure out what they could do to treat the Tebowner.
“It’s a really difficult thing to treat,” said Dr. Pervez Mushtaf, of the Atlanta Regional Medical Center. “Tebowners start off and they feel so great, you’re like, ‘Damn, Tim Tebow is awesome, I could feel like this forever, I hope that this feeling never ends,’ that sort of thing. But then you find yourself about four hours later and you’re like, ‘Jesus, I mean, I love Tim Tebow, I really love Tim Tebow, but holy crap, this thing has got to go away.’”
A Tebowner is defined by the American Journal of Medicine as a “severe swelling of the genitalia resulting from long-term visual exposure to the exploits of Tim Tebow on the college football field.”
Tebowners occur naturally following viewing of Florida Gators games for many people, with an extremely high prevalence in television announcers and University of Florida graduates.
“I’m not sure why, but we treat a lot of TV announcers who have severe Tebowners,” Mushtaf said. “Barely a week goes by where I don’t spend part of Sunday chucking cold water on Brent Musburger’s hoo-hah, if you know what I mean.”
As for Danielson, doctors are keeping their fingers crossed that his Tim Tebow-inspired “condition” will subside.
“We’ve tried cold water, and we’ve tried ice cubes, and we’ve even tried naked pictures of Rosie O’Donnell,” Mushtaf said. “Nothing has worked so far. But now we’ve got him in there watching this year’s game between the Iowa Hawkeyes and Indiana Hoosiers. That ought to make it go away.”
Tebowners are a serious problem in the southeastern part of the country, where Tim Tebow is frequently viewed, and long-lasting Tebowners have been negatively affecting men across Florida for the last two years. It is a much more severe affliction than the fast-spreading Peter Warrdick that plagued Tallahassee briefly in the early part of the 1990s.
“We’ve treated more than 700 severe Tebowners in the past two years,” said a spokesperson for Gainesville Presbyterian. “I’ve never encountered such a severe disease. I almost hope that Tim Tebow thinks of the good people of Northern Florida and takes his talents to the NFL. Let some other doctor deal with Joe Buck.”
