Relationship: Open or Closed?

[strigori]

Human hearts are not wired that way.

Sorry for three posts, in a row now, but I have to ask - how do you know? I've heard plenty of stories for and against open relationships - some successful, some not. I tend to agree with you that someone is most likely to gain feelings for the other over an extended period of time - but maybe you can switch your "outside" partner up every so often, end it after X amount of time, etc?

Have you ever really listened to someone in favor of an 'open' relationship? It always comes across to me as very selfish, or fearing of commitment.

Maybe it works for a very small portion of people, but for nearly everyone, its just a bad idea

If you have HBO, check out the documentary Americans in Bed, its right along the lines of this thread.

I have. Actually one of my good friends is in an open relationship - and it didn't become an open relationship until about half way through when they realized that they had very different sexual needs, but enjoyed the act with each other & each others presence. He simply asked if they could have an open relationship - if yes great - if no, that is fine as well. I believe it takes a very secure person to do this, which clearly is not everyone. I've also seen them fail miserably, because someone gets jealous or what not.

I think it may be fear of committing to someone who has a much different sexual appetite then yourself - but not commitment in general. It may be selfish, but I think that is another topic because there are quite a few things that people do are selfish prior to and even within a relationship.

I think one of the biggest cons is probably, what if you want/or do start a family? How does that work? Oh, hunny, Dad is just going to see the Nurse? That can't be a good family environment, but I haven't experienced it so I wouldn't know. A lot of husbands cheat on their wives without them knowing (or the other way around), so I don't know.

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

[The King]

Open relationship is just asking for drama. Go for it but don't be shocked when you have to deal with the consequences

It truly isn't for me. I was just curious as to other peoples views about it. I was having a hard time seeing the negatives vs. the positives and if anyone had an experience with an open relationship.

It essentially negates one of the biggest causes of separation - but it also takes a certain type of person - and I'm not sure how it would work with a family, etc, etc.

 

[The King]

Open relationship is just asking for drama. Go for it but don't be shocked when you have to deal with the consequences

It truly isn't for me. I was just curious as to other peoples views about it. I was having a hard time seeing the negatives vs. the positives and if anyone had an experience with an open relationship.

It essentially negates one of the biggest causes of separation - but it also takes a certain type of person - and I'm not sure how it would work with a family, etc, etc.

Essentially this. If I want sex X times a week, and she wants it once a week, should I just suck it up for the next "X" years of my life? Or should I say, hey, I don't want to be sexually unhappy and miserable (as that is a component of a relationship, in my young eyes - I could be completely wrong) could we make this into a open relationship? So that my needs are being met (to keep me happy) and your needs will be met also - or if im truly at the breaking point, it could be "I love you to death, but I'm unhappy because of this. It is either divorce or an open relationship." (obviously not that basic, as its late im trying to summarize) while NOT going behind their back and cheating on them.

And sexual compatibility is the only reason (in my point of view, at least that I am aware of) that there is a necessity for open relationships. What other causes would there be? If you were having enough good sex, why would you seek it elsewhere?

 

[Landlord]

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

You want to do it more times per week than your wife does? Serve her in that. In a glorifying, biblical marriage, she will respect you honoring her and she will also, in turn, serve your desires (not your needs; your wants). You will be glad to give up a few romps in the sack as a sacrifice towards her, and she will be glad to give you what you want in loving submission to you.

Saying "we aren't sexually compatible" is a selfish justification for your own desires.

 

[Mierin]

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

There are lots of women who have never orgasmed with their partners, and for some of them it's because their boyfriends/husbands are either selfish/ignorant/unskilled. Tell that to them. It's way more complicated than that. (I also once read a story about a woman who was married 52 years, went to a doctor about an infection, and he discovered that she was a virgin. I've decided not to get into the graphic details).

 

[Mierin]

You keep bringing up the sexual compatibility argument, when (in my opinion) there isn't one.

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

Not for most people its not. I'm sure you are not alone in your mindset, but for most people, it can be much more complicated.

Quantity alone can be a critical issue. If he wants sex 3 times a week, and she will only have sex 3 times a month, that is a mighty big issue. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

It can be more complicated than that, but not because it needs to be. Because they choose for it to be.

I'll try to tread lightly here, since it's not the religion forum, but this is just further evidence of how God's design for marriage is the design for marriage and when you stray from it things fall apart all too easily.

The way God designed marriage is for two people to give up self for the sake of Lord and for the sake of other in mutual, willing, glad submission. That means neither is interested in a give-take relationship - both are only interested in a give relationship, and because of which both are able to receive gladly and be provided for by their spouse.

You want to do it more times per week than your wife does? Serve her in that. In a glorifying, biblical marriage, she will respect you honoring her and she will also, in turn, serve your desires (not your needs; your wants). You will be glad to give up a few romps in the sack as a sacrifice towards her, and she will be glad to give you what you want in loving submission to you.

Saying "we aren't sexually compatible" is a selfish justification for your own desires.

I understand the point you're trying to make, but I don't think you're making it. There's sexual compatibility and marriage compatibility. What you should be saying (imo) is that a marriage is two people and if they aren't perfectly sexually compatible they should still be unselfish and not want to look outside the marriage for it. That doesn't make them sexually compatible though.

 

[walksalone]

If a man and a woman have working parts, they are sexually compatible. It's as simple as that.

There are lots of women who have never orgasmed with their partners, and for some of them it's because their boyfriends/husbands are either selfish/ignorant/unskilled. Tell that to them. It's way more complicated than that. (I also once read a story once about a woman who was married 52 years, went to a doctor about an infection, and he discovered that she was a virgin. I've decided not to get into the graphic details).

 

[C N Red]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

 

[Landlord]

I understand the point you're trying to make, but I don't think you're making it. There's sexual compatibility and marriage compatibility. What you should be saying (imo) is that a marriage is two people and if they aren't perfectly sexually compatible they should still be unselfish and not want to look outside the marriage for it. That doesn't make them sexually compatible though.

I see your point, and I understand it, but likewise, I think it is misguided. A healthy and vibrant sex life in marriage is a good thing - a wise thing, even. But it is not an ultimate thing, at least, it wasn't designed to be. The problem with this idea of "sexual compatibility" in the popular understanding of the term, is that it creates a paradigm where your partner (and all your partners before marriage - your "test drives") becomes a tool for you to meet your sexual standards and desires, and that is not love.

Great sex (while being great), isn't the pinnacle of human existence. Love is. Therefore, "good" sex, in the truest definition of the term, does not come from ecstasy (how great it is) nor does it come from frequency (how often it is), but it comes from intimacy, which is simultaneously a result of and results in love, trust, security and respect.

Sex was designed to be so much more than an orgasm and a litmus test for vague, fleeting feelings of connection and compatibility. Unfortunately, we settle for so much less for ourselves.

 

[walksalone]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

I'm gonna simplify that...

The "King" is between 19 and 24 and attempting to nail everything that moves...

 

[The King]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

I'm gonna simplify that...

The "King" is between 19 and 24 and attempting to nail everything that moves...

The King has already stated he is in a committed "non" open relationship (haven't and won't cheat - nor will I ask for an open relationship) and was just merely curious about others thoughts because The King is a 21 year old kid who is naive to most of the world and wanted to collect the thoughts of others and -hopefully- their more knowledgeable experiences than what little information on the internet as well as question those that may have formulated an opinion on the topic.

I, also, have heard of at least 5 people in the last month and a half (including 1 or 2 on this board) that have been "cheated" on and I'm sure some of you have cheated on your partners, and it caused the end of a relationship. The easy way, is seemingly, to ask for an open relationship if you feel that the relationship is at a level where you are that discontent with your sex life that you are willing to risk the abrupt end of it. I truly do not know. I am trying to learn from others experiences and their opinions because I am curious. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[The King]

I'd say The King is confused. Open relationships are for people who are insecure. I'd rather get divorced again. Emotions are much too fragile for them to work.

I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out, but it appears it would take someone very secure to be okay with being in a open relationship (and having it work, pretty big qualifier, right there.)

I'd rather be with the love of my life, if the only thing we weren't perfect at was having the same sex drive, than be married and divorced. Divorce costs money, can affect kids (if you have them), and if the only thing keeping you unhappy is your sexual life and everything else is perfect, why not broach the subject of an open relationship? I understand the religion aspect of it - that is huge for many people. But for those of you who aren't obligated do that, I can't wrap my head around the concept of rather being divorced than asking to be in an open, loving relationship where you occasionally go to another source for sexual needs if you need to. Obviously, I'm young - but I can't but notice how many older people get divorced due to there sexual needs not being met This goes for both men and women.

I think it is possible to avoid emotions by seeking... not long term solutions i.e. f#*k buddies but something more... short term. (I don't want to say one night stand, but I'm sure there are dating websites where people are aware of what other people are looking for, for instance.)

 

[Creighton Duke]

Why would you enter into such a "relationship"? If you want to keep it causal, keep it casual. If you want an exclusive, "meaningful" relationship, get in one. If someone only wants to go half way, move on. Somebody is gonna go nuts eventually, and if it's you, you look like a dweeb. Don't look like a dweeb.

NOTE: I understand that this question probably isn't for you personally, but in general.

Say that you've found the woman of your dreams, you could eventually see yourself marrying her, she is perfect, blah blah blah, she means a lot you, etc. but she sucks in bed and/or doesn't have the same sexual desires as yourself. You want to release that energy in another method - an outside source. Instead of cheating on her and risk destroying your relationship and family with the one you love, you could seek this from elsewhere in a perfectly acceptable way. Have a serious relationship with the one you care about and the ability to be somewhat promiscuous outside of that relationship.

I also broached this because I was curious if it got rid of some peoples want to sleep around outside of their marriage/relationship for something new. As I'm sure some people have heard, men want what they can't have. So, if we're given permission to do such a thing - does it reduce the desire for some men to be this way?

As a disclaimer, I'm in the traditional relationship - not an open one. Just thought it could be interesting discussion - for those willing to share. I am aware it is rather personal.

If there is a such a great void in such an important area of the relationship (sex), then she really isn't the person of your dreams.

Like some other have mentioned, things would only get more and more complicated the older you'd get and, eventually, one or both parties would get seriously upset with something.

Someone else mentioned insecurity. I agree with this 100 percent. Why so insecure in a. your relationship but more importantly b. your ability to find someone with which you share a greater connection/more commonalities that you would feel the need to compromise on certain aspects of your relationship?

To the people you are talking about who are being cheated on or who are getting divorced because their desires aren't being met, well, that's what you get when you either a. aren't assertive enough in a relationship b. ...in many cases, when you get married. In this country, in this time period, you got a coin flip's chance of staying together for the long haul. People's wants and needs change. Unfortunately, if things do not turn out well, men are often on the losing end in divorce court.

 

[NUance]

Open relationships?? I wouldn't want some other dude bonin' my girl. Call me old fashioned.

/ although I don't mind bonin' some other guy's woman.

 

[The Dude]

It can work. I doubt the success rate is very high though.