Need Some "Family" Advice

Damn, Land; this is deeper territory than normal around here. I'll echo the kudos given to you. 

My one question would be this: would this affect your relationship with your mom? 

 
If it was me I'd wonder why he hasn't tried at all to contact me. On the other hand, he might think you hate him and want nothing to do with him and he's having the same questions you have and doesn't want to bother you.

 
Cdog923 said:
Damn, Land; this is deeper territory than normal around here. I'll echo the kudos given to you. 

My one question would be this: would this affect your relationship with your mom? 
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I don't think so. As I've gotten older we've both loosened up a bunch and become a lot more open talking about this and other similarly possibly uncomfortable things and it's always good. She's insanely strong and independent and has a good perspective on life. I'm definitely going to talk with her more about it before I make any actual decisions but she's always been really encouraging and supportive of any mentions I've made in the past about interest to find him and hasn't felt guilty par se but has always mourned the fact that I never had a father figure. 

 
I guess my advice would be to move slowly if you do decide to initiate contact.  IF you truly are at peace with it that's great.  But even if there is a shred of doubt that you are, for better or worse, do it.  Never know, it could provide a bit of closure that you never even knew you needed.  Either way, good luck with this man.  Heavy situation, thanks for sharing.

 
It's a cliche' saying but we only live once. I think you should for sure reach out. BRBs idea of the letter is a good idea, but what if he never responds? Could leave you wondering more, but would also make it a lot less awkward than showing up on his doorstep. 

 
Thanks for the input everybody. I think a letter is a good idea too. It'll let me spend the time to really communicate well and it'll put less pressure on him for an immediate and direct response; I think it'll feel good to give him that space to respond (or not) on his own terms instead of being hijacked or surprised and put on the spot.

 
Landlord said:
Thanks for the input everybody. I think a letter is a good idea too. It'll let me spend the time to really communicate well and it'll put less pressure on him for an immediate and direct response; I think it'll feel good to give him that space to respond (or not) on his own terms instead of being hijacked or surprised and put on the spot.
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What was your other option(s) going to be?  

Do you know where he lives?

 
Thanks for sharing this Landlord...I've often wondered what I'd do if someone came up to me with a similar situation.. 

I've lost so much time with my Son..We shared custody (I got every other weekend) but it seemed to make me bi-polar ...I'd be so giddy at work on the Fridays Before picking him up and then after dropping him off, my mind would keep replaying ''1000 ways to die''.   After a few years, I thought he'd be better off if I wasn't a part of his life...so we stopped having him come over.

If it were you in your Dad's situation, would you want your Son to make contact?  I know it's probably impossible for you to answer that because of differing situations and environments involved between you and your dad, but the older you get, you learn how much more family means to you...I'd at least stalk him. 

 
HUSKER 37 said:
Thanks for sharing this Landlord...I've often wondered what I'd do if someone came up to me with a similar situation.. 

I've lost so much time with my Son..We shared custody (I got every other weekend) but it seemed to make me bi-polar ...I'd be so giddy at work on the Fridays Before picking him up and then after dropping him off, my mind would keep replaying ''1000 ways to die''.   After a few years, I thought he'd be better off if I wasn't a part of his life...so we stopped having him come over.

If it were you in your Dad's situation, would you want your Son to make contact?  I know it's probably impossible for you to answer that because of differing situations and environments involved between you and your dad, but the older you get, you learn how much more family means to you...I'd at least stalk him. 
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That had to be a gut wrenching choice.

 
Wow, this is pretty similar to my story.

My parents divorced when I was just a few months old. Apparently they had a fight, and my mom took me and we stayed with Grandma for a while. Then when she returned with me, she found the apartment completely cleared out, not even my crib was there.

He was never a part of my life, or at least not any part I can remember. Can't exactly say I miss him. I really don't know much about him. Only found out when I was like 13 that I have the same middle name as him. Mom remarried when I was 7, and the guy I call Dad now adopted me.

Fast forward to here recently, and some life stuff got me thinking about things. And thinking turned into Googling. Found some stuff, including what I'm pretty sure is his Facebook page. Nothing too crazy, but, uhh, it didn't exactly make me interested in contacting him. Looks like he's single, but has been through at least one other divorce, and maybe a couple. I'm almost more interested in knowing whether I have any half-siblings that I don't know about, but I didn't see anything that would suggest that I do. I've decided not to pursue it any further.

 
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Toe said:
Wow, this is pretty similar to my story.

My parents divorced when I was just a few months old. Apparently they had a fight, and my mom took me and we stayed with Grandma for a while. Then when she returned with me, she found the apartment completely cleared out, not even my crib was there.

He was never a part of my life, or at least not any part I can remember. Can't exactly say I miss him. I really don't know much about him. Only found out when I was like 13 that I have the same middle name as him. Mom remarried when I was 7, and the guy I call Dad now adopted me.

Fast forward to here recently, and some life stuff got me thinking about things. And thinking turned into Googling. Found some stuff, including what I'm pretty sure is his Facebook page. Nothing too crazy, but, uhh, it didn't exactly make me interested in contacting him. Looks like he's single, but has been through at least one other divorce, and maybe a couple. I'm almost more interested in knowing whether I have any half-siblings that I don't know about, but I didn't see anything that would suggest that I do. I've decided not to pursue it any further.
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How long has it been?  Like, how oldish are you now?

Was it odd to look him up online or did it not really mean anything to you?

 
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@teachercd I'm 39. I didn't feel anything in particular when I looked him up, I guess I'd consider him a curiosity more than anything.

 
My bio-dad reached out to me on Facebook a few years back.  He left when I was 2, my brother was 1.  My mother remarried, and bio-dad allowed him to adopt us.  So I've had a dad since I was 7, but I was always curious about him, primarily because he was far different from my adoptive father.  My mother was an artist (passed away at 43), my bio-dad was a musician and a genius mentally, while my adoptive father is a blue collar workaholic.  When my bio-dad reached out to me, I sent a note back.  I told him how things were, all the basic stuff, and hoped that he was doing well.  I ended the note saying that the best decision he made for us was letting our dad adopt us.  He didn't respond after that, but he stayed a friend on Facebook, and occasionally even liked stuff I posted, even stuff about my father.  Thought that was weird at first, but I guess, if it were me, I'd want my son to have a healthy relationship with the man who raised him.  He's only reached out to me directly one other time, and it was about a place in Fort Collins he used to play when he was in a band in the 70s, after I posted I was moving to Colorado.  Both messages were short, to the point.  

In your situation, if you're capable of handling a worst case scenario (he wants nothing to do with you), I think it'd be worth reaching out.  If for nothing else, just a simple connection.  But if he hasn't attempted over the years, it could be he has no interest, or he could just be frightened that you might not want anything to do with him.  To me, you're both adults now.  Hopefully both of you can handle it that way.  Make sure you don't go into it as a "kid", but a man who doesn't need anything from this other man.  

 
Calvin said:
My bio-dad reached out to me on Facebook a few years back.  He left when I was 2, my brother was 1.  My mother remarried, and bio-dad allowed him to adopt us.  So I've had a dad since I was 7, but I was always curious about him, primarily because he was far different from my adoptive father.  My mother was an artist (passed away at 43), my bio-dad was a musician and a genius mentally, while my adoptive father is a blue collar workaholic.  When my bio-dad reached out to me, I sent a note back.  I told him how things were, all the basic stuff, and hoped that he was doing well.  I ended the note saying that the best decision he made for us was letting our dad adopt us.  He didn't respond after that, but he stayed a friend on Facebook, and occasionally even liked stuff I posted, even stuff about my father.  Thought that was weird at first, but I guess, if it were me, I'd want my son to have a healthy relationship with the man who raised him.  He's only reached out to me directly one other time, and it was about a place in Fort Collins he used to play when he was in a band in the 70s, after I posted I was moving to Colorado.  Both messages were short, to the point.  

In your situation, if you're capable of handling a worst case scenario (he wants nothing to do with you), I think it'd be worth reaching out.  If for nothing else, just a simple connection.  But if he hasn't attempted over the years, it could be he has no interest, or he could just be frightened that you might not want anything to do with him.  To me, you're both adults now.  Hopefully both of you can handle it that way.  Make sure you don't go into it as a "kid", but a man who doesn't need anything from this other man.  
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This stuff amazes me!  How old were you when he reached out to you and did you have any idea that he would?  I take it your mother never talked to him again?

 
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