Need Some "Family" Advice

[Calvin]

This stuff amazes me!  How old were you when he reached out to you and did you have any idea that he would?  I take it your mother never talked to him again?

I was maybe 33 or so, and it was out of the blue.  My mother never said an ill word about him, but obviously a kid will come to his own conclusions.  Mine at first, as a teenager, rebelling against the man who raised me, thought I was more of my bio-dad's son than I was his, as weird as that sounds.  I just had more of his traits, music, writer, creative, etc., than I did my dad, simple, black and white, workaholic.  Once I had my own son, my feeling towards my bio-dad changed.  I recall holding my one-year old and just thinking, this was how old my brother was when our dad left us.  How the hell could someone do that?  Blew me away, and I was pissed.  If he'd reached out to me at that point, I'd probably have tracked him down just to punch him in the throat.  But at 33ish, I was "relatively" mature, and didn't care about his reactions or feelings towards us.  He did mention he wanted to tell his side of the story, but I told him not to bother.  There wasn't much I'd accept at that point.  He left my mom when we were 2 and 1 and didn't visit or pay a dime of child support.  I forgave him a long time ago, but wasn't going to listen to excuses either.  

Actually, we sort of kept in touch with his parents, my bio-grandparents.  When my son was born, I sent them a letter, pictures, etc., letting them know they had a grandson.  My bio-dad wrote back, that both of them had passed away about a month before that.  In the letter, he wanted to explain his side of things.  I was with my mom at the time and broke down, just pissed off.  She was sad that I had anger built up against him, since she had tried so hard to not let that happen.  But I wasn't getting along with my dad, the one who raised me, at the time, then this guy inferred that my mom was at fault somehow.  I was very close to my mom, so I wasn't having that at all.  I just wanted to kick his a$$.  My mom passed away shortly after that, and that experience kind of repaired my relationship with my adoptive father.  We've been close ever since, and really couldn't care much less about the other guy.  My brother and I are happy and successful people, and he's not apart of that.  His loss.  Glad we were raised by the man we were.  

 

[teachercd]

I was maybe 33 or so, and it was out of the blue.  My mother never said an ill word about him, but obviously a kid will come to his own conclusions.  Mine at first, as a teenager, rebelling against the man who raised me, thought I was more of my bio-dad's son than I was his, as weird as that sounds.  I just had more of his traits, music, writer, creative, etc., than I did my dad, simple, black and white, workaholic.  Once I had my own son, my feeling towards my bio-dad changed.  I recall holding my one-year old and just thinking, this was how old my brother was when our dad left us.  How the hell could someone do that?  Blew me away, and I was pissed.  If he'd reached out to me at that point, I'd probably have tracked him down just to punch him in the throat.  But at 33ish, I was "relatively" mature, and didn't care about his reactions or feelings towards us.  He did mention he wanted to tell his side of the story, but I told him not to bother.  There wasn't much I'd accept at that point.  He left my mom when we were 2 and 1 and didn't visit or pay a dime of child support.  I forgave him a long time ago, but wasn't going to listen to excuses either.  

Actually, we sort of kept in touch with his parents, my bio-grandparents.  When my son was born, I sent them a letter, pictures, etc., letting them know they had a grandson.  My bio-dad wrote back, that both of them had passed away about a month before that.  In the letter, he wanted to explain his side of things.  I was with my mom at the time and broke down, just pissed off.  She was sad that I had anger built up against him, since she had tried so hard to not let that happen.  But I wasn't getting along with my dad, the one who raised me, at the time, then this guy inferred that my mom was somehow at fault somehow.  I was very close to my mom, so I wasn't having that at all.  I just wanted to kick his a$$.  My mom passed away shortly after that, and that experience kind of repaired my relationship with my adoptive father.  We've been close ever since, and really couldn't care much less about the other guy.  My brother and I are happy and successful people, and he's not apart of that.  His loss.  Glad we were raised by the man we were.  

Man that is so interesting!  Do you "know" his side of the story or not really?  Did he live near you all those years?

I have heard so many stories about men leaving (or sometimes a mom leaving) and basically just moving like 20 miles away because back in the day that was "far" and starting a new life.

Probably stupid questions but it just interests me.

 

[BigRedBuster]

I'm always so impressed with people who can grow up in situations like this and can move past it and have a happy and productive life.  I'm even more impressed when a man can have a Dad that isn't a part of his life, but turns around and is a good father to their children.  So often it doesn't happen that way.  It's a true testament to how the adults who raised you did a good job.

 

[Calvin]

Man that is so interesting!  Do you "know" his side of the story or not really?  Did he live near you all those years?

I have heard so many stories about men leaving (or sometimes a mom leaving) and basically just moving like 20 miles away because back in the day that was "far" and starting a new life.

Probably stupid questions but it just interests me.

I only know very vague things that relatives shared with us.  He was in the Air Force, briefly.  They gave him a menial job, but having a pretty complex, intelligent mind, he went nuts and was discharged.  He was very gifted musically, and toured with bands like Aerosmith back in the 70s.  He eventually decided to become a Christian and get off the road and settle down.  He got married, had us, then decided he liked the rock star lifestyle a little too much to let it go, so he went back to that, and all that entailed.  So he wasn't really in one place for very long.  I think that's why it was so hard to get him to pay any child support.  Then when my mom remarried, her husband told him he'd have his back payments forgiven, if he'd allow him to adopt us.  I think that was an easy decision for him.  He eventually settled in Tennessee, near Nashville, where he still plays in bands.  He did settle down though.  Has a family now, but the kids aren't his.  

Not stupid questions at all.  I'm fascinated by family dynamics as well.  I never thought mine was unique till I started sharing it.  

I think if I did have a regret, it's that I wasn't raised by a musician like him.  I'm a terrible guitarist, so that would've been nice.   :lol:

 

[Calvin]

I'm always so impressed with people who can grow up in situations like this and can move past it and have a happy and productive life.  I'm even more impressed when a man can have a Dad that isn't a part of his life, but turns around and is a good father to their children.  So often it doesn't happen that way.  It's a true testament to how the adults who raised you did a good job.

Amen to that.  I have such a HUGE respect for the man who raised us as his own, and think that helped guide me as a father.  My brother was easy, but I was a pain in the a$$ to raise, but he did it the best he could.  My mother never worked, just volunteered.  Raised us on a farm, taught us how to work, be respectful, responsible, etc.  I took a weird path to get to where I'm at, but eventually got here, successful, happy, etc.  He's such a humble guy about it too.  When I've told him how much I respect him for raising us as his own, he just shrugs and says, well, I got your mother out of the deal.  Now he's got four grandchildren that adore him.