Chaos Index

You know it's a festive week for chaos when the top ten is packed full of the proudest programs in the game. Here's to you Huskers, Horns, Hurricanes, Hbuckeyes, and Hdawgs – it's called alliteration, deal with it – on making this season one for the rages. We begin this week's proceedings with some of the nicest folks on Earth – yes, we've been there – who can't possibly be feeling the least bit hospitable about now. 1. Nebraska – Purdue? Purfreakingdue? You can't fire the new head coach after one season. Right? RIGHT?!?!? Look at it this way, Husker Nation: at least you won't have to fake being excited about watching your guys in the Franklin American Zaxby's Oil Change Bowl this December. Southern Miss remains Exhibit A for why you don't want to fire the coach because he's only doing very well, but you all are closing quick. 2. Texas – The f#*k, Horns? You straighten things up enough to make your record look marginally respectable and then you disembowel yourselves in the absolute worst way possible against Iowa State? Iowa Freaking State?!? 24 to f-ing nothing? We do not get it, but we do get what this kind of nonsense will do to your fan base. Just one question: Iowa Freaking State?!?!? 3. Ohio State – Sure, every coach wishes he could have Urb's problems. Cardale Jones 2015 is not Cardale Jones late 2014, and J.T. Barrett gets one week, and then, he gets a week to get back in the swing before Michigan State and Michigan? That doesn't smack of The Senator's reign at all. Nope, not one bit. Here's a thought: maybe Braxton Miller should start practicing at QB like pronto. 4. Kentucky – It's becoming a Wildcat tradition: start strong, then go implode. Not to worry, Georgia won't be at all angry when you gather for some mutual support and compassion next Saturday. Speaking of which… 5. Georgia – It only took half the season to figure out that the guy who couldn't land the starting QB gig at Virginia was probably not the guy to lead the Dawgs. At least they found out fast that Faton Bauta also isn't the guy. Presumably, they've had a couple years to figure out that Brice Ramsey isn't the guy either. Maybe there's a second-stringer at Georgia Southern who'd like to go the graduate transfer route before next weekend. 6. Texas Tech – We'd mock Tech for giving up 67½ points a game in their last two implosions, but really, without that last-second pick six this week, the average would be down to 63 points, so no worries. Oh sure, now you want to bring up the lame special teams play too, don't you, Raiders? 7. Vanderbilt - "Hello, this is the FunBelt! How may I help you?" "Hi, FunBelt, this is Vandy calling. We were thinking we'd like to..." "Please hold while we transfer you to the Big South." Keep going, 'Dores, and we'll have you playing D3 ball before the season is toast. 8. Miami – See Canes? Was that so hard? Okay, so it was like pulling teeth, and it required a miracle that the ACC says you didn't deserve. Please resume concocting bizarre combinations of random ACC events that leave you winning the Coastal. Also, we see you haven't kidnapped Justin Fuente, attached a Schnelly mask to him, and talked him into signing a contract yet. You should work on that. 9. Arizona – From the P12 Championship Game to total wipeouts against every team on the schedule that isn't a tomato can. To borrow from SCTV, dang 'Zona, you done blowed up real good! Congrats on not doing the falling apart mid-season thing halfway. Kentucky would be proud! If only there were a Stoops brother connection to all this. 10. Texas A&M – Kyler Murray had an absolutely spectacular debut! College Station must be brimming with excitement. Just one thing: have you noticed the way Kenny Hill and Kyle Allen both got off to great starts in Aggieland before things imploded on them? Does that strike you as just a tad ominous? 11. UCLA – Speaking of ominous, is anyone on the Bruin defense still healthy? If you're currently enrolled in classes in Westwood and are approximately 6'3" and 245 pounds and can run a 40 in roughly 4.5, please see Jim L. Mora immediately if not sooner. The rest of this week's Chaos Index can be found here.

Chaos doesn't have to be your enemy. Sometimes, crazy stuff is your BFF, particularly if, say, you wake up to having two Leonard Fournettes and possibly even a real, live passing game. Other times, your world is rapidly spinning out of control until you hand your top-10 rival their first loss…just like two years ago. We begin this week with the happy part of The Chaos Index. 1. LSU – If you were wondering what Southern hospitality looks like, check out last Saturday in Baton Rouge. In far, far less important matters – y'know, actual football - if you were wondering what chaos looks like, check out pretty much any other Tiger game. Oh, and if you were wondering what chaos for the rest of the sport looks like, check out Leonard Fournette as their second leading rusher behind a guy who hates the ground. Next Saturday is going to be plenty, er, chaotic in B.R. 2. Florida – Yep, we put them here just so we could call this week's game a #1 vs. #2 matchup. (Plus, Texas won, so they get a minor break.) Who didn't see the Gators having the SEC East pretty much wrapped up by the second week of October? Oh right, everybody. Last minute bonus chaos: Treon Harris…come on down!!! Or is he still suspended too? 3. Michigan – Speaking of your ship potentially coming in two years earlier than expected, giving up zero points over the last three games changes your expectations a little, doesn't it? The Khaki Legend will officially be out of control if they beat Little Brother this week. Plus, Sparty looks a little vulnerable about now. Of course, Kaptain Khaki doesn't exactly have the more talented team, and if things go badly at the Big House this weekend… 4. Texas – It's 2013 all over again!!! We've been expecting the Horns to wake up and bring the chaos down on someone's head for a while now, and who better than Boomed Sooner yet again? Enjoy the bye week and don't even think about the possibility of a Wildcat regression in two weeks before that two-week lull in the action against Iowa State and Kansas. 5. Utah – The Pac-12 is down to one undefeated team? Surely you must be talking about Oreg US UCL Stanf Ariz Utah? Nothing unexpected about that at all, is there? A P12 title game between the Utes and Stanford sure would be the sexy showdown Larry Scott's always had in mind, wouldn't it? (Note: for the unsubtle, this is called sarcasm. Really heavy sarcasm.) 6. Portland State – How does an FCS school end up here? Simple, pound the snot out of a horrible C-USA team in the same season that you beat a Power 5 squad that just worked Oregon in Eugene. When Oregon wins the Civil War this year, the Vikings will be clear kings of the state. In some places, they'd be burning overturned cars for less. 7. Rutgers – While there may be no such thing as moral victories, watching your best player come thisclose to beating the #4 team in the country singlehandedly is a pretty good sign for the rest of the year. Whatever Leonte Carroo might or might not have done off the field, on the field, the friendly folk of North Jersey have every reason to think he's going to do something crazy against tOSU in a couple weeks. 8. Temple – God, this program sucks! Could we please cast them out of the former Big East? Wait…what? It looks like they're going to be 7-0 when they play Notre Dame? Why does it feel like the planet is rotating on a slightly different angle at the moment? 9. Tennessee – The sky is falling! We can't close out against anybody!! We thought we were back, but we're not after all!!! Now we're down three touchdowns to big, bad Georgia!!!! Never mind. The recovery is on track, and we'll go 8-4 this year, and then we'll be back to national relevance. And now, the part of The Chaos Index you were expecting: the part where everything continues to go horribly wrong. 10. Maryland – Hello, Chip Kelly, this is Underarmour calling. If you enjoyed Nike's piles of cash, we think you'll really love ours. Won't you? Please. Double please. 11. Oregon – Or maybe you should just head back here, Chip. We've missed you terribly, and Phil Knight has an extra special Christmas present waiting for you under his money tree. Never mind the rumor that we have died of dysentery. The rest of this week's Chaos Index can be found here.

Chaos. It's "a state of utter confusion or disorder." How can chaos be consistent and orderly? Join us as we feel the consistent madness that was on display in Week Five. 1. Texas – What's most consistently chaotic about the Horns' 2015 reign of error? Howzabout the fact that they always find a new way to make a hash of things. And how do you top going down 30-0 in the first quarter? Perhaps by having a player tweeting about transferring during the game, while the Texas Rangers (or at least one rogue now-ex-employee) are busy sending out Fire Charlie missives. Nice touch, by the way, also doing that callback to the Oklahoma State game with a messed up punt snap. 2. Georgia – How 'bout them Dawgs! So much talent. Such an easy path to the SEC East title. They're CFP material! Best of all they never ever ever blow a big game. Never ever. Let the freakout begin anew in Athens! Just one warning Dawg fans: we see you getting ready to call for Mark Richt's head. After all, you'll never get over the hump until you change coaches. Ask around about how that usually turns out. Perhaps your almost-neighbors in Hattiesburg might have a few thoughts on the subject. 3. Clemson – Ahh, Clemson: the ACC's answer to Georgia. Given the perpetual Luck Of The Irish, how else could things have turned out, especially when Notre Dame just needed a two-point conversion to tie with seven seconds on the clock to send it to overtime for the inevitable win? Wait…what? You won? How dare you trash a perfectly good narrative by going against form!?! Never mind. 4. UCLA – It's become a Pac-12 tradition. Every year, the Bruins open 4-0, blowing the doors off some alleged powerhouse in Week Four. The four-letter declares them a national championship contender. This year, there's the bonus narrative of "the kid QB is invincible." Then, Week Five rolls around, and they self-destruct against a double digit underdog. Here's how the rest of the story goes: they rise from the ashes, return to national prominence, then blow it again at the moment you'd least expect it. It's consistent, yet chaotic. 5. Michigan – Sometimes, chaos is happy. Everywhere he goes, Jim Harbaugh makes madness – exciting, happy madness (at least for the home fans). Can you imagine the khaki chaos that's going to descend on Ann Arbor after two straight shutouts? Win the next two games at home, and the madness will be beyond blinding. Little brother might have something to say about that, of course. 6. Tennessee – Look on the bright side, Vol Nation: at least this time, you didn't blow a two score lead in the fourth quarter. You did it early in the game! Plus, you've got two more chances to bounce back and get that signature "we've turned the corner" win in the next two weeks! On second thought, this might be a good time to book a three-week cruise to Australia. 7. Kansas – Does it get more consistent than the Jayhawks? It takes some serious awfulness to get treated like a piñata by Iowa State. And now, their best chance for a win this year is against…Texas? 8. LSU – Life With Hat is a chaotic little television series. Given the ability to pretty much name the score against the shambles that is Eastern Michigan, the master of mystery chose "whatever". Since he needed to rest Leonard Fournette and get the Tiger passing game going, Crazy Les dialed up 26 more carries for God's Tailback and 80 yards of passing offense. Who needs rest when Florida is still two weeks away? 9. Nebraska – Say, Georgia: ask Bo Pellini about that bit where you fire the coach who can't quite get you over the hump. Here's guessing the Huskers won't need to wait until the last ten seconds to lose to Wisconsin. Have we told you how nice Mike Riley is lately? Bo was never nice; unlike most football coaches, he used naughty words. 10. Purdue – Congratulations on earning a participation trophy for that moral victory against Michigan State. Oh Purdue, you monument to mediocrity – never too good, never too bad. If there's a more meh program in the game, we don't know what it is. (Though the Darrell Hazell years are certainly testing that last part, aren't they?) The rest of this week's Chaos Index can be found here.