Terrific Tom, Week 4

[Terrific Tom]

Hey, everybody, it's your pusher Terrific Tom here for your weekly fix. Yes, your first "bounce theory" from last week was free (were you listening, Troy?). Yeah, you're asking yourself "What kind of gambling guru not only goes against the spread of the Troy game, but also correctly picks them to lose outright?" You're lookin at him beeyatch.

Kudos to Touchdown Jesus, our messiah, for singlehandedly ruining my mojo in a way that only He can (did anyone else TiVo the game, and slow it down enough to see Jesus's hands come off the church and take it out of Team Sparta's hands on a 10 yard gain, and hand it to Team Monotheism for 6 points???) Note to Jesus: God hates gambling in his house. Look it up.

 

To the picks.

 

Hey, everybody, it's a Friday Night Special. Nobody like high school football, anyway.

 

BYU @ Boise St. (-21) 3 star pick

 

Brigham Young and the boys will undoubtedly be confused by the blue turf. "Coach, is this the Great Salt Lake?" The Mormons have been kicked out of so many places that... well, they settled in Utah. Enough said. The Broncos send 'em away without so much as taking their pamphlet.

 

Purdue (-20 1/2) @ Illinois 4 star pick

 

The Boilers overcome the usual look-ahead week after being coached up by Joe T. in the off week. The nation's highest scoring team continues our nation's proud history of beating up on the Native Americans when they're outmatched. Sorry, Chief Notgonnacompete.

 

Michigan St. (-2 1/2) @ Indiana 5 star pick

 

Team Sparta's five turnovers against God's team make them even more resolved to either come back with their swords in hand, or being carried back on their shields. They have no intention of being carried. Couple that with IU Coach Jerry Retardo Donardo's complete inability to recruit any athletes whatsoever makes this game the best bet on the sheet.

 

Texas Tech (-7) @ Kansas 4 star pick

 

While Kansas's highly-touted defense (are you listening, c-husker?) is statistically tough, KU, like anything trying to fight through Mangino's bowels, is too slow moving to be effective. Tech's pass-all-day-score-70-if-we-can offense is too much. Write it down, Mike Leach and his aforementioned attack has shifted the balance of power in recruiting in the country of Texas, and they've got the horses in Lubbock. Tech in a route, tortillas for everyone!! (Hefe, would you say I have a plethora of tortillas? Si, you have a plethora.)

 

Iowa @ Michigan (-13 1/2) 5 star pick

 

It's not so much that Michigan's that good, but inexperienced (and injured at key positions!!) Iowa is hurting so much that the Big House is the second to last place that they want to go this weekend. (Number one, you ask? fasteddie's sensual massage / prime the pump proctology clinic, Ann Arbor branch.)

 

Alabama @ Arkansas (-7 1/2) 3 star pick

 

Somebody stop playing that f'ing banjo, I'm trying to pick here. Lifeblood of the team Croyle is finally hurt badly enough to miss some games. This fu&*#r's put together worse than Jason White. His absence leads to a huge letdown in the Bible Belt (read: hillbilly country) and Arkansas has the Tide squealin' like a pig.

 

Lousiana Tech (+24 1/2) @ Tennessee 2 star pick

 

Hey, everybody, I'm going against the favorite! (only with a 24 point cushion, though.) Tennessee, after a gift win from Back Judge Ronnie Milsap, is on letdown alert (reference: bounce theory, see week 3). Couple that with La Tech's closer-than-you-thought-it-was game against Miamah, and I take the points. The Vols win, but only by three touchdowns.

 

Troy @ South Carolina (-12 1/2) 2 star pick

 

Alert the media, it's my Obvious Joke of the Week game.

 

Staying with the whole picking-against-not-as-good-as-people-think Men of Troy, Dana Carvey look-alike Lou Holtz and his c$%ks (stop giggling) is going back to his offensive roots, the veer supplemented with controlled rollout passing. The c$%ks come all over the Trojans in a messy game, with the c$%ks leaving satisfied, and the Trojans carelessly discarded in a bathroom wastepaper basket (how far can you extend a metaphor, anyway?)

 

Oregan State (+7 1/2) @ Arizona State 3 star pick

 

But seriously, folks. Here is a battle of two teams with opposite motivations. Team Beaver, trying to prove that they're better than people think, battles the Sun Devils, who, after beating worthless Iowa, is not as good as they think they are. I don't know where the Sun Devil thinks he's going to put that pitch fork, but the Beavers are gonna show their balls this week (don't puke).

 

PS, I picked (almost) all favorites this week to make it easier for you jackasses who don't understand the concept of the spread. But, a great man once said "I don't usually bet on the favorite, but 2500 times two is 5000 dollars" - Trotter

 

Respect.

Tom

[RedCountry]

Tommie you are on fire homeboy.

 

quote of the week contender..

While Kansas's highly-touted defense (are you listening, c-husker?) is statistically tough, KU, like anything trying to fight through Mangino's bowels, is too slow moving to be effective.

 

And then there was this thing..

The c$%ks come all over the Trojans in a messy game, with the c$%ks leaving satisfied, and the Trojans carelessly discarded in a bathroom wastepaper basket (how far can you extend a metaphor, anyway?)

Which locked down this post as your best EVER!! So strong. Keep swinging Tommie. loving it like good ol fashioned ARK-Bama sister type shyte. :hump

[AR Husker Fan]

Once again - thanks! Thought "the spread" was my nickname for my ex-wife, but what the heck...

[BigRedJohnson]

Good stuff, thanks Tom.

 

Put the mortgage on MSU!!!

[Redout]

I kid you not I'm laughing out loud right now.

[Eric the Red]

Lose - Boise ST

Lose - Purdue

Win - Mich St.

Lose - Texas Tech

Lose - Michigan (Christ you lost by 1/2 point)

Win - Arkansas

Lose - Tenneessee (Jesus you lost by 1/2 again)

Lose - South Carolina

Oregan State (+7 1/2) @ Arizona State ...this game was not in the paper, help??

 

Not a good week TT. 2-6 so far!!!!!!!!!

[HuskerBob]

I'll put in a dollar for toms new set of teeth fund after he visits his booky this wk

[fasteddie]

i wont. this degenerate is bringing society down with his garbage!! i will strke down upon thee with furious vengance and you will know my name is td jesus!!

 

actually to be fair i get a kick outta readin this hacks colum. there i said it. but tell your old lady she can have her VD back tom. burnin is a bit much.

[Terrific Tom]

15-14-1 on the season. That's of course with the spread. Stay turned tomorrow. 11pm central. Terrific tom meets John Daniels. :up

 

 

:hump What the hell is this?????