Need Some "Family" Advice

[Landlord]

Sup losers! An interesting thing has happened in my life and I'm not really sure what to do about it so I figured I'd open it up to outside perspectives. Here's the context.

I've never met my dad before. Him and my mom were never married, and when they were together he was hooked on some hard drugs that eventually made him dangerous and my mom peaced out. Turned out she was pregnant with me when she left him, but didn't yet know she was. She was somewhat young waiting tables for a living and was going to give me up for adoption before realizing that she could get school/housing/food/etc. paid for with assistance and turned her life around as a single mother and gave me a way better one than she had etc. etc. etc. Anyways my entire life I've never really cared or been upset about not having a dad, he's just always seemed like a mystery that was somewhat interesting but totally out of sight out of mind.

Until this Saturday, where I somehow tracked down some connections to him online (I've tried before with no luck). Found out where he is, what he's up to, etc. Now I've spent a lot of time dissecting and processing through ways in which I've been affected for good and bad not having a dad growing up. And there have certainly been a lot of bad, but I've also embraced all of that and come out the other side really liking who I am including the parts of me so impacted by that. So I feel pretty mentally healthy approaching the idea of him.

But I'm trying to figure out - should I reach out? Is there value in it? I don't particularly care if I don't ever interact with him, but I also feel like maybe I should or maybe it would be good for one or both of us? How could I possibly go about it, if I decided to, in a way that wouldn't be insanely weird and intense especially for him (for all I know he still believes I'm not actually his son)? Does any of it matter? It doesn't feel like a big deal to me at all, more of just a long standing curiosity, and one that I don't necessarily have any answers about.

 

[TonyStalloni]

I could see how the meeting could be beneficial if for no other reason than to get a medical history so you have an idea of what could be coming your way. Did he ever marry? Does he have other kids? Did he straighten his life out?  It might be best to find a way to warn him if as you said he doesn't know you exist.  

I have a similar experience in my family with a full brother who was adopted out by my mom at birth.  This was 5 years before I came along.  We have met a couple times and he lives in Oregon. He wanted to meet us out of curiosity and it was a great week when we did.

Good luck if you decide to meet! I hope it goes well. Expect the best but be prepared for the worst.

 

[Ulty]

Deep stuff, Landlord, thank you for sharing, and kudos to you for actually having your $h!t together and approaching this topic from such a thoughtful perspective. 

Since you seem to be relatively at peace with this whole situation, I might try to look at it from his perspective if you were to reach out:

- apparently his life was a mess ~30ish years ago (I have no idea how old you are), is his life still a mess now? 

- does he even know you exist?

- if I was 50-60 years old and found out that I had a child a never met decades ago, at a time when I was a dangerous druggie - how would I respond? Would I freak out? Would I be indifferent? Would I immediately suspect some sort of foul motive (like you are trying to get money out of me or something)? Would I feel like I needed a lawyer?

- what happens moving forward? Would either one of you hope to build a relationship? Do you just meet for an awkward cup of coffee and never see each other again? what sort of emotional impact might such a meeting have down the road?

I'm a level headed guy, but if I received this kind of news, I feel like it would turn my world upside down. When I was in social work, I saw a range of reactions from separated/deadbeat/recently-proved-biological parents who were facing their children for the first time. You would need to prepare for any variety of irrational reactions if you did reach out. But if I was in your shoes, I would have a burning desire to know more about him and to seek some sort of closure to this mystery. And it is totally fair for you to want that.

These sorts of situations can be fraught with emotional fallout, whether it is yours, or his, or both (or others, including his family if he has one, or your mom). Do you have access to a family counselor to discuss this with? If so, that might be a good place to start, to develop some strategies on how to proceed, and to think through why you might or might not want to proceed.

 

[teachercd]

Maybe I missed it but does he know about you?

That would be a big thing too...like really big.  Has this guy gone his entire life with no idea that you are out there?  If so, I think that is something think about as well.  You clearly are fine with the situation how it is and you clearly would be fine with the situation if you met him...but if he has no clue that you exist how could that impact him?

 

[ColoradoHusk]

Maybe I missed it but does he know about you?

That would be a big thing too...like really big.  Has this guy gone his entire life with no idea that you are out there?  If so, I think that is something think about as well.  You clearly are fine with the situation how it is and you clearly would be fine with the situation if you met him...but if he has no clue that you exist how could that impact him?

That was my big thought as well.  If he doesn't know you even exist, and you reach out to him 30 years after the fact, that could cause some issues and feelings with the guy.  If it were me, my first thoughts I would have would be anger towards your mom that I wasn't told about you, and guilt for not being involved in your life.  I am sure there are plenty of other feelings that would come about, as well.  

 

[Enhance]

Thanks for sharing all this @Landlord. Seems like you have a good mindset going in.

I'm reminded of a scene in the first Home Alone movie when Kevin is talking to Old Man Marley at the church. Marley is worried that if he reaches out to his estranged son that his son will not speak to him. Kevin advises him to reach out to his son and if his son doesn't want to talk to him then at least he'll know one way or the other.

That's sort of where my mind is at. I think, if you choose to reach out to him, you should be prepared for any kind of reaction. So long as you're reaching out to him for the right reasons then I don't think you have anything to be worried about. It would be more concerning if you wanted to reach out in order to be confrontational, but that doesn't appear to be the case. You have an idle curiosity. I think that's a healthy curiosity and one probably worth pursuing. Just to be able to know.

So, my advice would be along the same line's as Kevin's - reach out and see what happens. Either way, you'll know and no longer have to think about it, for good or for bad.

----------

As an anecdote, it's interesting to me that these types of situations can often be more curated when an adoption agency is/was involved. True story (fake names) - I know a woman named Jennifer whose mom, Darlene, had a baby (we'll call her Stephanie) when Darlene was in high school. Darlene's parents forced her to put the baby up for adoption so the baby essentially became out of sight, out of mind, for about 45 years. Recently, Stephanie has now reached out to the adoption agency to see if Darlene would have interest in meeting. They're planning to get together in a few weeks, but the adoption agency served as the mediator to see if there would be any interest on the mom's behalf.

I know that's almost entirely irrelevant to this but I found it interesting.

 

[teachercd]

That was my big thought as well.  If he doesn't know you even exist, and you reach out to him 30 years after the fact, that could cause some issues and feelings with the guy.  If it were me, my first thoughts I would have would be anger towards your mom that I wasn't told about you, and guilt for not being involved in your life.  I am sure there are plenty of other feelings that would come about, as well.  

That is such a big thing.  If he didn't know, he could be crushed, he could feel a guilt that most people can't understand, maybe it could totally ruin his current life?  I have no idea.  

I don't think I would care about doing it if I was just a single dude...if I had a kid and it was then his grandkid, I think I would.

 

[Landlord]

Sorry if it wasn't clear - he does know that I exist. Spent years paying child support and such. But literally the last time my mom had any contact with him was shortly after becoming pregnant and he claimed it wasn't his kid and that he was impotent. 

No idea if he was lying, but he eventually (legally at least) gave in to the responsibility and acknowledgment. So he absolutely knows that I exist, but his assessment of who/what/why/how I am as a person is unknown :lol:

His life seems to be put together, he's heavily involved in some organizations around the Lake Okabojie area.

 

[NM11046]

Wow landlord.  That's far more interesting and important than most stuff we talk about here.

Glad you have such an open mind about it.  I'd ask myself a few questions (in addition to the good ones others have posed):

• Why do I want to reach out?  Do you want a relationship with him (maybe?)  Do you want health info (this one would be a huge one for me)?
  
• How does your mom feel about it?  I'd imagine she' feels you are a grown up and can do what you want, but I'd try to also consider her feelings, he wasn't in a good place, maybe wasn't good to her (or you if he knew about you) - she has to have some feelings - resentful that he wasn't a prt of your life, scared that after all she's done to raise you and make you a good person you'd suddenly gravitate to him etc.  Maybe she's more well adjusted than most, but I bet if you dig in she has feelings, and it would be good to incorporate them into your decision.
  
• Do you have kids?  Is there any positive or negative to them having their grandpa in their lives?
  

You obviously have some curiosity about it or you wouldn't have poked around - will you regret it if you don't reach out now and then something happens and you can't?  And keep in mind that he may be a disappointment, I think that sometimes what we build people up to be is hard to live up to - you should be prepared to have to deal with your own feelings.

If it were me, I'd reach out.  I'd want the health stuff, and I'd be prepared for him to be a d!ck that may not even agree to meet or connect.  Then if he ends up being better than I "expect" it will be a pleasant surprise and I wouldn't be disappointed.  And I'd involve my mom a ton to reassure her.

 

[ColoradoHusk]

Sorry if it wasn't clear - he does know that I exist. Spent years paying child support and such. But literally the last time my mom had any contact with him was shortly after becoming pregnant and he claimed it wasn't his kid and that he was impotent. 

No idea if he was lying, but he eventually (legally at least) gave in to the responsibility and acknowledgment. So he absolutely knows that I exist, but his assessment of who/what/why/how I am as a person is unknown :lol:

His life seems to be put together, he's heavily involved in some organizations around the Lake Okabojie area.

That changes the situation then.  I don't think it would hurt to reach out to him.  Maybe he would like to have some type of relationship with you, even if he didn't want that in the past.  I don't think it would hurt to reach out to him and see where it goes from there.

 

[NM11046]

Ok, with that update my next question is:

• If he was paying child support and etc, he would have been "trackable" before now - what made you start looking again?  
  

 

[Landlord]

Ok, with that update my next question is:

• If he was paying child support and etc, he would have been "trackable" before now - what made you start looking again?  
  

When I was a kid I didn't care and never thought about it. Didn't have any other reality to compare mine to I guess so I wasn't really mindful of missing out or losing something. I don't think I ever even knew his full name until I was 21-22, and I've tried half a dozen times as an adult to search social media and such but never turned up any results that seemed actionable or gave me a decent clue as to where he was. There were two trigger points that got me re-interested. First was when I moved to Chicago I was unpacking a box and I found a book of poetry (somehow had gotten mixed up with my stuff back home in Nebraska years ago sitting unnoticed) he wrote when he was federally incarcerated in Chicago in 1981. His brother did some art on the cover and I found out via google that his brother had recently died. Second was my mom randomly came across the obituary of his wife in the OWH a few months ago. I was going to write a letter to the mortuary to forward on but it was a crazy time in life and I never found the time or energy.

 

[knapplc]

What a fascinating story. Thanks for sharing, LL.

It's completely understandable that you would have curiosity about him. You have a connection with him that you don't have with literally any other person on the planet. Bio-Dad. That's a big deal.

Wondering about meeting him is a basic human thing. You're thinking about where you came from, what it means, all that stuff. That's an intrinsic part of being human. 

There's also the health question that @TonyStalloni first mentioned is a big deal. If for no other reason than to understand hereditary issues that you may have or that you may pass along to your children, you may want to contact him.

There's a lot of good advice in this thread, from people way better at advising this than I.

 

[BigRedBuster]

@Landlord Like others have said.  Congrats on going through this and coming out a well adjusted adult.

Reading through the thread, my thought was that if this were me, I would write a letter.  This accomplishes a few things:

a)  It allows you to write it exactly how you want it said to him.  You can take your time, edit it and make sure it's what you want said.

b)  It allows him to read it without you there so there is no immediate reaction that can cause hurt feelings.  He can then think about how he wants to respond appropriately.

c)  You can explicitly and in writing tell him you are not reaching out because you want something from him such as financial assistance..etc.  

d)  If it's in writing, he can re-read it and take time to digest what you have said in it.

After that, you can ask if he would be willing to meet in person.  This can really ease any nervousness and tensions with the first contact.

 

[JJ Husker]

I like @BigRedBuster suggestion of writing a letter, for the reasons he stated.

It sounds like you're approaching it with the right mindset but I would be prepared for a wide range of reactions/responses. He may be ashamed, he may have a family and other children that aren't aware, he may really think it's bogus, plus about 20 other ways it could go. So as long as you think you'll be okay with whatever his response may be, then I'd go for it. Good luck.