Dear Red Necks/States

[bigredtoad]

Dear Red States:

 

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

 

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

 

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

 

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

 

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

 

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

 

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

 

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

 

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with:

88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),

92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes,

nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,

90 percent of the hurricanes,

99 percent of all Southern Baptists,

virtually 100 percent of all televangelists,

Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

 

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

 

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale,

62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws,

44 percent say that evolution is only a theory,

53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and

61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

 

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

 

Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California via Bigredtoad!!!

[DaveH]

uh, OK?

 

You can take your overpriced real estate too. It's bordering on absolutely fscking ridiculous.

[AR Husker Fan]

Perfect, bigredtoad. Just perfect!

[bigredtoad]

uh, OK?

 

You can take your overpriced real estate too. It's bordering on absolutely fscking ridiculous.

Market values create themselves no? Wouldnt be priced that high if they werent selling that high. hmm.. coincedence I think not! dont blame people for defecting from 'neckville to the land of the sophisticated. Shame we all have to suffer from the rednecks mistake, and even bigger shame that they are the majority. Ever hear of contraceptives in those trailers?!!!

[DJR313]

I'm a demo, but this is just stupid. You get cheeseheads, massholes, and all of chicago? KEEP EM! Land of the Sophisticated, the place that spawned cinematic gems such as The Beastmaster and Spykids 3D, not to mention a movie remake of every show that was on TV in the 70's short of Fish.

[DaveH]

I'm a demo, but this is just stupid. You get cheeseheads, massholes, and all of chicago?  KEEP EM!  Land of the Sophisticated, the place that spawned cinematic gems such as The Beastmaster and Spykids 3D, not to mention a movie remake of every show that was on TV in the 70's short of Fish.

I guess being sophisticated means having a bleached a$$hole and so much botox you can't even smile. Yea, sophisticated alright......

 

Don't forget to throw New York in that bunch. I think we could do without people who think they are the center of the universe.

 

Oh and lest I forget, what happened to all those folks from California that said they would move to Canada if W was re-elected? Something tells me they kind swept that promise under the rug when they realized they would have to give up their Mexican gardener and their double espresso’s.

 

My trailer:

 

 

Oh and if you were wondering about that election still, I think South Park hit it on the head when they effectively said it was a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.