Da Wedder...A Huskerboard exclusive

Foppa · August 26, 2005

Seeing as so-called 'other' husker boards (a.k.a. mildew) have weather people predicting how much snow we'll get at the first game of the season, I'm taking the liberty of giving Huskerboard the somewhat Accu-weather don't-hold-your-breath 1st scrimmage of the year forecast. :smokin

So here we go...and yeah, I am licensed by the National Weather Guessing Institute of Guatemala...at least that's what it said on the laminated card I bought with my $178 tank of gas for my Geo Metro, bottle of Colt 45, and a tetanus shot after the Slez-E Mart clerk sneezed on my 6-day old smoldering hotdog...

WEATHER RESULTS OF SEPT. 3RD, 2005, Lincoln, NE...Memorial Stadium.

Folks, we are looking at a 75% chance of a cheesy introductary flyover, most likely to the theme of 'Rock You Like A Hurricane', to start the game. Look for a 85% chance of 'overlook the flyover, and keep drinking out of our concealed flask' from the student section, followed by a 98% chance of 'We approve of the flyover, but we're not going to stand and clap for it, or anything else' coming out of the West Stadium.

An upper-level disturbance will dominate the kickoff...most likely by leather and pigskin being in the upper-level, until it falls down to an unsuspecting kick returner. Our forecast models initially show the returner to be of Michigan origin, and this is verified by most 1997 'El Nino' map projections. However, scattered Blackshirt, Black Bear, and Black Sabbath returners may cloud the image.

Super Doppler 2000 early photos show a variety of Stationery fronts consisting of Maine players writing to parents wishing they'd never have come to Nebraska, and wishing they were playing in the friendly confines of Missoula, Montana. As complex as this frontal boundary may be, it will include Hail...as in, 'Hail, Varsity'.

Halftime forecast: 99% chance of being a little darker than it was at the start of the game...Inconclusive models are not allowing me to make it 100% at this time. Models are actually hitting on me and not talking much about the weather or darkness. Precipitation outlook for the 2nd half will be ignored in favor of the Jim Rose yards lost pre-snap per carry by Baylor, the Atlanta Braves, Congress, or whoever Jim is fantasizing about at the time.

3rd Quarter update brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack. It's no sipping ale!

Thundershowers could be prevalent in the 3rd Quarter. Radar may pick this up, depending on whether or not Radar has had too much Jack Daniels. This will not affect the game, however, due to the 10,000 point rule being enforced by NCAA president Wilt Chamberlain.

Post game forecast brought to you by Tom Osborne for Governor. Vote Tom, Dad Gum it, and I'll make Billy C do 400 push-ups for every NU loss!

Post game predictions show 100% chance of strong Fraternity puking storms on 'O' street, as well as patches of Irish car bomb fog throughout the region. Unfortunately, there is a 30% chance of another not-too-accurate weather forecast for the Sept. 10th bloodletting of the "Not aWake, experiencing night terrors in the Forest" game. Jammal Lord help us all.