Terrific Tom's Holiday Bowl Spectacular

[Terrific Tom]

Unos

Dos

Tres

Catorce!

 

 

"Just like the Prodigal Son, I've returned

Anyone steppin' to me, you'll get burned..."

House of Pain

 

Ok, ok, f'ers, stop jumpin around for a second. I'm glad to see you too. I'm here to do what MacArthur couldn't. I SHALL return, I have returned, Vini, Vidi, Vici...

 

Not since Jordan came back (the first time)

Not since Mario Lemieux

Not since Fruscianti came back to the Chili Peppers

Not since Grover Cleveland became the 24th president

Not since I f'd FastEddie's mom (the second time)

 

has there ever been a comeback more anticipated than this.

I'm BACK! All you bowl pool losers looking for an edge, I'm your Huckleberry. Your prayers have been answered, God has smiled, Santa got your letter, the sun is shining on a dog's ass, etc. Please keep your arms and legs inside until the ride has come to a complete stop. Here we go...

 

 

Champs Sports Bowl

Georgia Tech vs. Syracuse (+5 1/2)

It's the age-old question: Orange vs. Yellow. All you Big East Hata's, understand this: It's the bowl season, and all the sh#t you think you know has flown out the window. Tis the season for the bookies to get even and then some. You think the Big Least sucks? Hear this: the true gamblers see the most improving conference in America (remember Pittsburgh, Husks?) The Jackets will suck the juice out of the Orange with their sound defense vs. the option. If Chan the Man has the services of running back PJ Daniels, it will really be a lock. Ramblin Wreck by 3.

 

GMAC Bowl

Bowling Green (-4 1/2) vs. Memphis

If you like defense, (what's your line DJR?) cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. All you Texans know that the game of 6 man football was invented in Chester, Nebraska. You also know that it's a track meet. (I know this because I personally witnessed the best six man coach to ever coach the game in Lincoln the first time the Six Man State Championship was played there.) In this one, I like Bowling Green (who is neither Bowling, nor Green) to score a TD last. The Tigers should keep it interesting, though.

 

Fort Worth Bowl

Cincinnati vs. Marshall (EVEN)

The bookies have this one pegged. This couldn't be more of an even match. Marshall dropped their first three games by a combined 15 points, and UC started 2-4. But they both went on a tear and here they are. In even matchups like this, I always look for a Mafia tie. Cincinnati QB Gino Guidugli makes (has?) all the right connections to win this one, probably passing for his fourth 300 yard game of the year.

 

Las Vegas Bowl

Wyoming (+12 1/2) vs. UCLA

The thing about being in the Las Vegas Bowl, is trying to keep your players from getting caught up in all the glamour and glitz of Vegas. The good news for Wyoming, A) the Cowboys don't give a f#*k about Sigfried minus Roy or Celine Dion, and B) the entire state of Wyoming is already in Vegas for the National Rodeo Finals, so this is essentially a home game for them. I still look for the Bruins to come away with a win, but only by a field goal. Take the points.

 

Hawaii Bowl

Hawaii vs. UAB (+3 1/2)

Here's the true gambler in me, boys. Let's add up the things that the Rainbow Warriors have in their favor: Home game, NCAA All-time passing leader Timmy Chang, at least three UAB players are bound to get food poisoning from rancid poi. I say go opposite. Plus, recent history tells us that Hawaii winning at home in bowl games is about as likely to happen as Terrific Tom picking up a hooker and going to a picture show during happy hour at the Texas Hold 'Em tournament. Not bloody likely.

 

MPC Computers Bowl

Fresno State vs Virgina (-5 1/2)

Coach Pat Hill has been living on a couple of good years and a tough guy moustache for too long. Al Groh has underappreciated Virginia playing tougher than whale sh#t defense, and for all of the tough guy swagger, the Bulldogs and their fairy spread offense can't hang with the real deal Cavs.

 

Motor City Bowl

Toledo vs. Connecticut (+3 1/2)

Up and coming UConn is ready to make their mark in the city that KISS built. Klinger's Mud Hens can't hang with this (up and coming, remember?) Big East would be power. I love the Huskies against husky Toledo Tom, the only Terrific Tom look alike giving big fat coach Mangino a run for his money in the Rick Majerus early retirement program. UCONN will play on Thanksgiving Day at 9:00 AM to try to get their program on the map, I don't see Toledo standing in their way.

 

Independence Bowl

Iowa State (+2 1/2) vs. Miami (Ohio)

Pittsburgh Steelers without Ben Roethlisberger? They suck. Miami of Ohio without Ben Roethlisberger? Let's not even talk about it. All-time winningest (in the program) coach Dan McCarney's red bird mascot is tougher than the Red Hens'. Plus, let's face it, as sh**ty as the Big XII North is, the MAC can BLOW ME! (If Amy catches me blowing it, will she be pissed? Sorry for the obscure Sandler reference)

 

Insight.com Bowl

Notre Dame (+3 1/2) vs. Oregon State

This is too good to be true: the Coachless Irish vs. Team Beaver. Where the hell do I even start? God's team has no problem staring down the Beaver without flinching. The Former Fightin' Willinghams have a little something to prove, and Bo Pelini (oh, who gives a sh#t who is really the interim coach?) leads them to a convincing victory. In a related prediction, the Pope will die on Christmas Day, and the Catholic Church will appoint Cardinal Fabrizio Morretti as the new Pope, prompting the Black Coaches Association to launch an investigation into why Ty Willingham was not given an interview.

 

Houston Bowl

Colorado (-3 1/2) vs. UTEP

Here's some irony for you: In a bowl game featuring Gary Barnett vs. Mike Price, Barnett is the one most recently in trouble for strip club related incidents. Wow. Mike Price is the only man who loves the '20's more than Joel Seymour (sorry, Joel. How's Cassie doin'?) Anywho, the Buffs have been going uphill all year, and they have really pulled together to support their coach and their program. Plus, I like the idea that the much-maligned Big XII North could go undefeated in their bowl games. Take care.

 

Alamo Bowl

OSU Cowboys (-2 1/2) vs. OSU Buckeyes

The Cowboys in a laugher. The only chance any Ohio State player has of earning a Buckeye for his helmet in this game is if he finds Pee-Wee's bike in the basement. Ohio State vs. Michigan proved that the Big Ten (Eleven) is sh#t, and the Cowboys have been busting their hump in the Big XII south. Monsieur Maurice has told us what a bunch of cheaters the Buckeyes are, and I think Jim Sweatervest Tressel is outmatched in this one. Plus, Buckeye QB Troy Smith just got suspended today. Issues, issues, issues. I don't think Youngstown St. would take Tressel's ass at this point.

 

Continental Bowl

North Carolina (-3 1/2) vs. Boston College

The Heels is fo' reals. UNC might be ready to take the next step. New D coordinator Marvin Sanders (remember him?) has the Heels playin' some pretty good ball right now. The Eagles, still mourning the Pope's death, and the fact that Doug Flutie got passed over for the Pope's job, don't show up and get embarrassed.

 

Emerald Bowl

UNM Lobos (-2 1/2) vs. Navy

The Midshipmen have clicked their ruby slippers together and ended up in the land of Awe. A service academy is in a bowl game. However, the Lobos have beat Texas Tech (as I said they would...LOOK IT UP, f'ers) this year, and UNM's 3-3-5 defense gives them an excellent chance vs. the option. Any f'ing retard can see that the 30- stack defense is the wave of the future (are you listening, not-so-terrific Tom Yah-D?). But this game isn't about scheme, it's about talent, and Los Lobos are the Bamba in this one.

 

Holiday Bowl

California (-11 1/2) vs. Texas Tech

Remember the opposite theory? Count 'em: Nobody outscores Tech by more than 10; California is pissed about their bowl lot in life and don't show up; Cal's one play away from the National Title game and the Heisman... But, non-first half playing Tech gets down by 30, and shoulda been Heisman contender Rogers equals Cal being Golden in holding off the surging Black (Gay) Pimpernels from coming from behind. Big Fat Mangino was right, the only reason that Texas gets to play in a BCS bowl game (instead of Cal) is because of the historical misnomer that California was coming into its own at the same time that a few drunk rednecks "remembered the Alamo" and launched the idea that everything's bigger in Texas. Mangino, you're a prophet. Any stock tips?

 

Silicon Valley Bowl

Northern Illinois vs. Troy (EVEN)

I'm coming clean: I don't know sh#t about this game. I'm picking Northern Illinois because I'm still pissed at Troy for dropping the State from their name. End of story.

 

Music City Bowl

Alabama (-3 1/2) vs. Minnesota

Minnesota, on grass, outside, vs. the kickstart my heart cardiac kids from battle tested SEC Alabama equals the Tide rolling away from the shadow of stripper-gate and the injury of Brody Croyle. Alabama has responded in every way, and has proven that nothing can beat them down. These gophers (ironically) just aren't comfortable outside.

 

Sun Bowl

Purdue (-7 1/2) vs. Arizona State

This one's as sure as Terrific Tom finding a shitter in Kinnick with doors on it shortly before his shats himself. Consider this: if Kyle Orton doesn't suffer hip pointers (in BOTH f'ing HIPS) he wins the Heisman. Instead, the Boilers lose 3 games by 10 total points combined. Plus, ASU embarrassed Jeckyll and Hyde Iowa early in the desert, which is the only reason that this spread is where it is. This is the biggest mismatch in the bowl lineup. Couple all this with the fact that ASU's QB is questionable, and we can all Boiler Up! Tiller by 35. Yeah, I'm serious.

 

Liberty Bowl

Louisville (-13 1/2) vs. Boise State

I know what you're thinking: Louisville is 11-1 or some damn thing against Conference USA teams and lose only to Miami. They score 45 points a game or something. Boise State is pissed at the world, because they want to be Utah, and they know that beating the Cardinals (with teeth, go figure) is one sure way to do it. So it's Boise State in a lock, right? See, that's why you're stupid, and I'm Terrific Tom. Boise's Helmendollars don't have the team speed to hang with Louisville. This ain't no blue field. I say the Cardinals by 28.

 

Peach Bowl

Florida (+2 1/2) vs. Miami

Zookless Gators have nothing but sunshine on the horizon. The Urban Legend is coming in, and Spurrier is going elsewhere. Here's the deal, Ryan Leak wants to prove to his impending coach that he is versatile enough to run the show next year. Meanwhile, Coker's living on borrowed time ass seems like his magic carpet ride is almost over. I look for a new coach at UM within two years, and this game may be the impetus that gets it all started.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

Outback Bowl

Wisconsin (+7 1/2) vs. Georgia

Alvarez once again has his team playing well at bowl time. In the shrewd coaching move of the year, Barry got rid of piece of sh#t Kevin Cosgrove last year, paving the way for the Badgers' resurgence. Georgia has underachieved all year, and, in all likelihood, used up all their luck last year vs. Purdue. I look for them to mail it in.

 

Cotton Bowl

Texas A&M (-3 1/2) vs. Tennessee

Hey, kids, it's the best bet on the sheet! Yes, even better than the Sun Bowl. The 12th man makes the trip to Dallas, and this one's a home game for the Aggies. Tennessee's got two freshman QB's, and by the time that they get their bearings, A&M has an insurmountable lead. At halftime, President George Bush walks out to the 50 yard line and unveils Osama Bin Laden much to the delight of the hometown faithful. Then, Bevo and the Texas Alums come in and strip the Vols of their colors and their UT moniker, and send them packing. All things considered, it would have been better if the Vols had stayed home.

 

Gator Bowl

West Virginia (+8 1/2) vs. Florida State

Florida State and their pu&&y ass quarterback ain't beating anybody by 8 1/2. Novice gamblers, here's where you use those funny looking points to your advantage. West Virginia is recuperating. They are healthy, and ready to roll. Florida State has no offense. Mister Rogers is more offensive. The only thing that makes this game intriguing is that we have a battle of two teams who had their conference titles all but handed to them, but like Carmichael, they couldn't close the deal. In the end, I think FSU will squeak this one out. By seven.

 

Capitol One Bowl

Iowa (+6 1/2) vs. LSU

Let me take you back to the beginning of the season: Dogshit Iowa gets beat at Arizona State. LSU squeaks out an overtime win vs. Oregon State. Fast forward to 2005. Iowa, gets better all year long and shares the Big Ten (Eleven) Crown. Team Beaver stays the same, and doesn't beat anyone in the Pac 10 all year. Iowa has shown improvement, but I'm not convinced that LSU has gotten any better all year. Plus, Nick Saban is conflicted about trying to get the Dolphins job (although, as of press time, the Fins pulled off a big win on Monday night.) I like Herkey.

 

Rose Bowl

Michigan (+5 1/2) vs. Texas

Karma, dude. Texas doesn't belong here. It's a BCS conspiracy: they want the country of Texas in a BCS game, but what they'll get: Karma. Fumbled punt snap, four missed field goals, seventeen penalties for 105 yards, BEVO keels over, what else can you think of? Even though Michigan isn't sh#t, they have enough to get it done in sunny Pasadena. Remember the Alamo Bowl, Texans, 'cuz that's where you probably should have been.

 

Fiesta Bowl

Utah vs. Pittsburgh (+16 1/2)

Yeah, I know. But that is a ton of points. What if the Utes can't recover from the punch in the stomach dealt to them by the departure of Meyer? What if Pittsburgh continues to get better each week, which they have so far? What if getting rid of Steve Peterson is the best move a program can make, and now they can't be stopped? I think that the Panthers can keep this one within two touchdowns.

 

Sugar Bowl

Auburn vs. Virginia Tech (+7 1/2)

Hell hath no fury like the team that is screwed out of the national title game. Of course, fury is not always conducive to good football. Plus, someone told me that the Hokies are good at special teams or something. Special teams keep it close, even in Auburn's back yard. In fact, I think the Hokie's will win outright. Frank Beamer's legend, and the thing on his neck grows each day.

 

Orange Bowl

USC vs. Oklahoma (+2 1/2)

Well, here we are. The last game. And let's face it, it's a big one. No, not because it will decide the mythical national championship, but because you f'ers are addicted to gambling. Some of you are behind, and need to come through huge to get back to even. Some of you are ahead, and are looking to double up for a big payday. Cal and USC vs. Oklahoma, Texas, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M. You tell me who has the tougher conference. Plus, White put up better numbers than last year, and has an infinitely better rushing game. It may be to his advantage to have lost the Heisman, though, because we all know what the Heisman jinx can do to a guy (just how fat and slow CAN you get in the banquet circle?). Leinert is a former fatty, and I expect him to come in sluggish. Ask Eric Crouch about winning the Heisman and the mythical championship in the same year. sh#t, the last guy to win both was, who, Charlie Ward? In '93? And I don't have to tell you that THAT should have never happened. In the battle of Norm Chow vs. the two-headed defensive mind of Venables and Pelini, I'm against the Hawaiin.

 

So, that's it. I hope you're satisfied. I'd like to dedicate this column to HuskerBob, because deep down, I know he's the only one who really gives a sh#t. This will be my last column, as I have just got a job in Ohio. Football is not as big in Bearcat country, but a job is a job. When you think of me, think well.

 

The Terrific One.

[DJR313]

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the picks, hopefully I can parlay them into a christmas present for the girlfriend.

[Blackshirt]

Outstanding work Big T. Thanks again for posting over the past few months, your column has been one of the most entertaining reads on the entire damn Internet IMO, and I subscribe to the Internet so I know what Im talking about!! Sorry to hear youre leaving the board, but feel free to drop your Mangino sized wisdom on us every now and then. Good luck in Ohio.

[Eric the Red]

I'll say right about now your suckin' ass Tom. Your two best bets went to hell. I should do what I do to Berman on ESPN, pick the opposite. With you I win 70% against you.

 

By the way, going to Ohio, are you really Solich? Has this been what he's doing? Or is this his girlfriend in David City?

[HuskerBob]

Yer damn right i care!!! damn tom, you got me britches all soggy. or maybe that was from the megalo nachos I washed down las night with tha pound o onion rings.. either way, if its possible for a fat man in a little coat to be verclempt, thats what I am gerdummit.

 

man I don know bout the resta yous, but i cud care les if TT got any of these piks right, this stuff is jus plain funny i dun care who ye are. bummed yous leavin this place T, im gonna miss yuou like mangino misses that doggy bag from the buffet line. good luk with those b-cats coach. Option right!!

[AR Husker Fan]

***SNIP***

 

man I don know bout the resta yous, but i cud care les if TT got any of these piks right, this stuff is jus plain funny i dun care who ye are. bummed yous leavin this place T, im gonna miss yuou like mangino misses that doggy bag from the buffet line. good luk with those b-cats coach. Option right!!

Couldn't agree more - and couldn't have said it better. Well, couldn't have said it precisely like that...