Terrific Tom

Unos Dos Tres Catorce! "Just like the Prodigal Son, I've returned Anyone steppin' to me, you'll get burned..." House of Pain Ok, ok, f'ers, stop jumpin around for a second. I'm glad to see you too. I'm here to do what MacArthur couldn't. I SHALL return, I have returned, Vini, Vidi, Vici... Not since Jordan came back (the first time) Not since Mario Lemieux Not since Fruscianti came back to the Chili Peppers Not since Grover Cleveland became the 24th president Not since I f'd FastEddie's mom (the second time) has there ever been a comeback more anticipated than this. I'm BACK! All you bowl pool losers looking for an edge, I'm your Huckleberry. Your prayers have been answered, God has smiled, Santa got your letter, the sun is shining on a dog's ass, etc. Please keep your arms and legs inside until the ride has come to a complete stop. Here we go... Champs Sports Bowl Georgia Tech vs. Syracuse (+5 1/2) It's the age-old question: Orange vs. Yellow. All you Big East Hata's, understand this: It's the bowl season, and all the sh#t you think you know has flown out the window. Tis the season for the bookies to get even and then some. You think the Big Least sucks? Hear this: the true gamblers see the most improving conference in America (remember Pittsburgh, Husks?) The Jackets will suck the juice out of the Orange with their sound defense vs. the option. If Chan the Man has the services of running back PJ Daniels, it will really be a lock. Ramblin Wreck by 3. GMAC Bowl Bowling Green (-4 1/2) vs. Memphis If you like defense, (what's your line DJR?) cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. All you Texans know that the game of 6 man football was invented in Chester, Nebraska. You also know that it's a track meet. (I know this because I personally witnessed the best six man coach to ever coach the game in Lincoln the first time the Six Man State Championship was played there.) In this one, I like Bowling Green (who is neither Bowling, nor Green) to score a TD last. The Tigers should keep it interesting, though. Fort Worth Bowl Cincinnati vs. Marshall (EVEN) The bookies have this one pegged. This couldn't be more of an even match. Marshall dropped their first three games by a combined 15 points, and UC started 2-4. But they both went on a tear and here they are. In even matchups like this, I always look for a Mafia tie. Cincinnati QB Gino Guidugli makes (has?) all the right connections to win this one, probably passing for his fourth 300 yard game of the year. Las Vegas Bowl Wyoming (+12 1/2) vs. UCLA The thing about being in the Las Vegas Bowl, is trying to keep your players from getting caught up in all the glamour and glitz of Vegas. The good news for Wyoming, A) the Cowboys don't give a f#*k about Sigfried minus Roy or Celine Dion, and B) the entire state of Wyoming is already in Vegas for the National Rodeo Finals, so this is essentially a home game for them. I still look for the Bruins to come away with a win, but only by a field goal. Take the points. Hawaii Bowl Hawaii vs. UAB (+3 1/2) Here's the true gambler in me, boys. Let's add up the things that the Rainbow Warriors have in their favor: Home game, NCAA All-time passing leader Timmy Chang, at least three UAB players are bound to get food poisoning from rancid poi. I say go opposite. Plus, recent history tells us that Hawaii winning at home in bowl games is about as likely to happen as Terrific Tom picking up a hooker and going to a picture show during happy hour at the Texas Hold 'Em tournament. Not bloody likely. MPC Computers Bowl Fresno State vs Virgina (-5 1/2) Coach Pat Hill has been living on a couple of good years and a tough guy moustache for too long. Al Groh has underappreciated Virginia playing tougher than whale sh#t defense, and for all of the tough guy swagger, the Bulldogs and their fairy spread offense can't hang with the real deal Cavs. Motor City Bowl Toledo vs. Connecticut (+3 1/2) Up and coming UConn is ready to make their mark in the city that KISS built. Klinger's Mud Hens can't hang with this (up and coming, remember?) Big East would be power. I love the Huskies against husky Toledo Tom, the only Terrific Tom look alike giving big fat coach Mangino a run for his money in the Rick Majerus early retirement program. UCONN will play on Thanksgiving Day at 9:00 AM to try to get their program on the map, I don't see Toledo standing in their way. Independence Bowl Iowa State (+2 1/2) vs. Miami (Ohio) Pittsburgh Steelers without Ben Roethlisberger? They suck. Miami of Ohio without Ben Roethlisberger? Let's not even talk about it. All-time winningest (in the program) coach Dan McCarney's red bird mascot is tougher than the Red Hens'. Plus, let's face it, as sh**ty as the Big XII North is, the MAC can BLOW ME! (If Amy catches me blowing it, will she be pissed? Sorry for the obscure Sandler reference) Insight.com Bowl Notre Dame (+3 1/2) vs. Oregon State This is too good to be true: the Coachless Irish vs. Team Beaver. Where the hell do I even start? God's team has no problem staring down the Beaver without flinching. The Former Fightin' Willinghams have a little something to prove, and Bo Pelini (oh, who gives a sh#t who is really the interim coach?) leads them to a convincing victory. In a related prediction, the Pope will die on Christmas Day, and the Catholic Church will appoint Cardinal Fabrizio Morretti as the new Pope, prompting the Black Coaches Association to launch an investigation into why Ty Willingham was not given an interview. Houston Bowl Colorado (-3 1/2) vs. UTEP Here's some irony for you: In a bowl game featuring Gary Barnett vs. Mike Price, Barnett is the one most recently in trouble for strip club related incidents. Wow. Mike Price is the only man who loves the '20's more than Joel Seymour (sorry, Joel. How's Cassie doin'?) Anywho, the Buffs have been going uphill all year, and they have really pulled together to support their coach and their program. Plus, I like the idea that the much-maligned Big XII North could go undefeated in their bowl games. Take care. Alamo Bowl OSU Cowboys (-2 1/2) vs. OSU Buckeyes The Cowboys in a laugher. The only chance any Ohio State player has of earning a Buckeye for his helmet in this game is if he finds Pee-Wee's bike in the basement. Ohio State vs. Michigan proved that the Big Ten (Eleven) is sh#t, and the Cowboys have been busting their hump in the Big XII south. Monsieur Maurice has told us what a bunch of cheaters the Buckeyes are, and I think Jim Sweatervest Tressel is outmatched in this one. Plus, Buckeye QB Troy Smith just got suspended today. Issues, issues, issues. I don't think Youngstown St. would take Tressel's ass at this point. Continental Bowl North Carolina (-3 1/2) vs. Boston College The Heels is fo' reals. UNC might be ready to take the next step. New D coordinator Marvin Sanders (remember him?) has the Heels playin' some pretty good ball right now. The Eagles, still mourning the Pope's death, and the fact that Doug Flutie got passed over for the Pope's job, don't show up and get embarrassed. Emerald Bowl UNM Lobos (-2 1/2) vs. Navy The Midshipmen have clicked their ruby slippers together and ended up in the land of Awe. A service academy is in a bowl game. However, the Lobos have beat Texas Tech (as I said they would...LOOK IT UP, f'ers) this year, and UNM's 3-3-5 defense gives them an excellent chance vs. the option. Any f'ing retard can see that the 30- stack defense is the wave of the future (are you listening, not-so-terrific Tom Yah-D?). But this game isn't about scheme, it's about talent, and Los Lobos are the Bamba in this one. Holiday Bowl California (-11 1/2) vs. Texas Tech Remember the opposite theory? Count 'em: Nobody outscores Tech by more than 10; California is pissed about their bowl lot in life and don't show up; Cal's one play away from the National Title game and the Heisman... But, non-first half playing Tech gets down by 30, and shoulda been Heisman contender Rogers equals Cal being Golden in holding off the surging Black (Gay) Pimpernels from coming from behind. Big Fat Mangino was right, the only reason that Texas gets to play in a BCS bowl game (instead of Cal) is because of the historical misnomer that California was coming into its own at the same time that a few drunk rednecks "remembered the Alamo" and launched the idea that everything's bigger in Texas. Mangino, you're a prophet. Any stock tips? Silicon Valley Bowl Northern Illinois vs. Troy (EVEN) I'm coming clean: I don't know sh#t about this game. I'm picking Northern Illinois because I'm still pissed at Troy for dropping the State from their name. End of story. Music City Bowl Alabama (-3 1/2) vs. Minnesota Minnesota, on grass, outside, vs. the kickstart my heart cardiac kids from battle tested SEC Alabama equals the Tide rolling away from the shadow of stripper-gate and the injury of Brody Croyle. Alabama has responded in every way, and has proven that nothing can beat them down. These gophers (ironically) just aren't comfortable outside. Sun Bowl Purdue (-7 1/2) vs. Arizona State This one's as sure as Terrific Tom finding a shitter in Kinnick with doors on it shortly before his shats himself. Consider this: if Kyle Orton doesn't suffer hip pointers (in BOTH f'ing HIPS) he wins the Heisman. Instead, the Boilers lose 3 games by 10 total points combined. Plus, ASU embarrassed Jeckyll and Hyde Iowa early in the desert, which is the only reason that this spread is where it is. This is the biggest mismatch in the bowl lineup. Couple all this with the fact that ASU's QB is questionable, and we can all Boiler Up! Tiller by 35. Yeah, I'm serious. Liberty Bowl Louisville (-13 1/2) vs. Boise State I know what you're thinking: Louisville is 11-1 or some damn thing against Conference USA teams and lose only to Miami. They score 45 points a game or something. Boise State is pissed at the world, because they want to be Utah, and they know that beating the Cardinals (with teeth, go figure) is one sure way to do it. So it's Boise State in a lock, right? See, that's why you're stupid, and I'm Terrific Tom. Boise's Helmendollars don't have the team speed to hang with Louisville. This ain't no blue field. I say the Cardinals by 28. Peach Bowl Florida (+2 1/2) vs. Miami Zookless Gators have nothing but sunshine on the horizon. The Urban Legend is coming in, and Spurrier is going elsewhere. Here's the deal, Ryan Leak wants to prove to his impending coach that he is versatile enough to run the show next year. Meanwhile, Coker's living on borrowed time ass seems like his magic carpet ride is almost over. I look for a new coach at UM within two years, and this game may be the impetus that gets it all started. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Outback Bowl Wisconsin (+7 1/2) vs. Georgia Alvarez once again has his team playing well at bowl time. In the shrewd coaching move of the year, Barry got rid of piece of sh#t Kevin Cosgrove last year, paving the way for the Badgers' resurgence. Georgia has underachieved all year, and, in all likelihood, used up all their luck last year vs. Purdue. I look for them to mail it in. Cotton Bowl Texas A&M (-3 1/2) vs. Tennessee Hey, kids, it's the best bet on the sheet! Yes, even better than the Sun Bowl. The 12th man makes the trip to Dallas, and this one's a home game for the Aggies. Tennessee's got two freshman QB's, and by the time that they get their bearings, A&M has an insurmountable lead. At halftime, President George Bush walks out to the 50 yard line and unveils Osama Bin Laden much to the delight of the hometown faithful. Then, Bevo and the Texas Alums come in and strip the Vols of their colors and their UT moniker, and send them packing. All things considered, it would have been better if the Vols had stayed home. Gator Bowl West Virginia (+8 1/2) vs. Florida State Florida State and their pu&&y ass quarterback ain't beating anybody by 8 1/2. Novice gamblers, here's where you use those funny looking points to your advantage. West Virginia is recuperating. They are healthy, and ready to roll. Florida State has no offense. Mister Rogers is more offensive. The only thing that makes this game intriguing is that we have a battle of two teams who had their conference titles all but handed to them, but like Carmichael, they couldn't close the deal. In the end, I think FSU will squeak this one out. By seven. Capitol One Bowl Iowa (+6 1/2) vs. LSU Let me take you back to the beginning of the season: Dogshit Iowa gets beat at Arizona State. LSU squeaks out an overtime win vs. Oregon State. Fast forward to 2005. Iowa, gets better all year long and shares the Big Ten (Eleven) Crown. Team Beaver stays the same, and doesn't beat anyone in the Pac 10 all year. Iowa has shown improvement, but I'm not convinced that LSU has gotten any better all year. Plus, Nick Saban is conflicted about trying to get the Dolphins job (although, as of press time, the Fins pulled off a big win on Monday night.) I like Herkey. Rose Bowl Michigan (+5 1/2) vs. Texas Karma, dude. Texas doesn't belong here. It's a BCS conspiracy: they want the country of Texas in a BCS game, but what they'll get: Karma. Fumbled punt snap, four missed field goals, seventeen penalties for 105 yards, BEVO keels over, what else can you think of? Even though Michigan isn't sh#t, they have enough to get it done in sunny Pasadena. Remember the Alamo Bowl, Texans, 'cuz that's where you probably should have been. Fiesta Bowl Utah vs. Pittsburgh (+16 1/2) Yeah, I know. But that is a ton of points. What if the Utes can't recover from the punch in the stomach dealt to them by the departure of Meyer? What if Pittsburgh continues to get better each week, which they have so far? What if getting rid of Steve Peterson is the best move a program can make, and now they can't be stopped? I think that the Panthers can keep this one within two touchdowns. Sugar Bowl Auburn vs. Virginia Tech (+7 1/2) Hell hath no fury like the team that is screwed out of the national title game. Of course, fury is not always conducive to good football. Plus, someone told me that the Hokies are good at special teams or something. Special teams keep it close, even in Auburn's back yard. In fact, I think the Hokie's will win outright. Frank Beamer's legend, and the thing on his neck grows each day. Orange Bowl USC vs. Oklahoma (+2 1/2) Well, here we are. The last game. And let's face it, it's a big one. No, not because it will decide the mythical national championship, but because you f'ers are addicted to gambling. Some of you are behind, and need to come through huge to get back to even. Some of you are ahead, and are looking to double up for a big payday. Cal and USC vs. Oklahoma, Texas, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M. You tell me who has the tougher conference. Plus, White put up better numbers than last year, and has an infinitely better rushing game. It may be to his advantage to have lost the Heisman, though, because we all know what the Heisman jinx can do to a guy (just how fat and slow CAN you get in the banquet circle?). Leinert is a former fatty, and I expect him to come in sluggish. Ask Eric Crouch about winning the Heisman and the mythical championship in the same year. sh#t, the last guy to win both was, who, Charlie Ward? In '93? And I don't have to tell you that THAT should have never happened. In the battle of Norm Chow vs. the two-headed defensive mind of Venables and Pelini, I'm against the Hawaiin. So, that's it. I hope you're satisfied. I'd like to dedicate this column to HuskerBob, because deep down, I know he's the only one who really gives a sh#t. This will be my last column, as I have just got a job in Ohio. Football is not as big in Bearcat country, but a job is a job. When you think of me, think well. The Terrific One.

What the hell happened in here? It's like somebody died. Oh, that's right. You cornheads take losing by 60 personally. Well, this oughtta cheer you up: it's week 7, and TT is still above .500, despite last week's 5-5. It's the most unsatisfying split I've been a part of since I laid fast eddie's mom down. I kid fasteddie, but in all seriousness, he's had it tough. He has to go door to door and register with his neighbors every time he moves to a new county (eight year olds, dude). Ed, I hope the dripping stops soon. Luv ya. Because of a restraining order I received from DMB, I won't be picking the Husks this week. However, this week's edition is Big XII heavy, so pay close attention. I'm feeling lucky. Boston College (-11) @ Pittsburgh 3 star pick If there's one thing I've learned this year (and there isn't) it's this. Don't f#*k with the Catholics. The eastern wing of team God is staring a sure win in the face. Pitt has a talent for getting down early and battling back to make it interesting, but this time they get down too far. This team has been dying to phone it in all year, and this week is the time. The Eagles feast on the Panthers with 57 varieties of sauces to make it more enjoyable. Oklahoma (-20) @ Kansas State 2 star pick I know all (5) the loyal readers have been tutored on the bounce theory, but f#*k that. K-State sucks. K-State, in an effort to win the North, shows nothing against Oklahoma in order to take out Nebraska down the road. (DMB, can I mention the Huskers, or is that off limits as well?) The Wildkittens' best play against the Sooners may be the quick kick on third down (I know you're reading, Snyder). The Sooner Schooner runs wild in the Little Apple, and the horses sh#t on Aggieville just to add insult to injury. Baylor (+22 1/2) @ Nebraska 5 star pick OK, so I lied. But what if I pick AGAINST the Red? Is that OK? Are you in the mood for streak bustin'? All NU has to do is win three more to be bowl eligible. After this week, consider the bowl streak over. Baylor, as if possessed by the spirit of Grant Taeft (look it up) smacks the Bugeaters across the face with their mighty (?) bear claw, and solidifies the notion that no Nebraska team can beat any Texas team in football (at least for two more years). Arizona St. (+12 1/2) @ USC 1 star pick California took the Trojans to the wire last week, and SC doesn't have the nuts to go two in a row. St. is better than people think, even on the road. There's a chance that the Norm Chow's offensive juggernaut will win this game anyway, but I'll take the points. North Carolina State (+3) @ Maryland 4 star pick The Wolfpack is still licking their wounds after losing the Civil War of Carolina in a controversial fashion. Unlike K-St., though, they bounce back. (On a related note, the Heels' post-game celebration included enough hippie lettuce to kill a reggae band.) Big Fat Friedgen, in his UnderArmor, can't get team Turtle over the hump, even in their home pond. A pack of Wolves beats a pond of Turtles any day. Wisconsin @ Purdue (-6 1/2) 5 star pick Purdue fans, get your Rose Bowl tickets now. Purdue comes home after a three week road stand and busts the Badgers' ass, after surviving two sub-par performances, and JoePa going off the deep end rallying the troops in Way Too Happy Valley (I was waiting for the student body to start goose-stepping and saluting the old bastard!) The Boilers bury Alvarez (get it?) Texas A&M (+7 1/2) @ Oklahoma State 3 star pick All right, prognosticators, this just in: A&M is better than even I thought they could ever be. f#*k me once, shame on you. f#*k me twice, shame on me. f#*k me three times, shame on rohypnol. But I'm on to you Aggies, you won't f#*k me a fourth time! I've picked against the 12th man for the last time. Despite the fact that the Cowpokes have the better team and are at home, I'll take the Ags and their kick-ass marching band. Utah (-21) @ North Carolina 5 star pick UNC partied until Wednesday after last week's win. Ganja. Three players suspended. Utah, The Urban Legend, and his hot-ass wife go through Chapel Hill like the Blue Devils do in basketball season. Except it won't be that close. New defensive coordinator Marvin Sanders moves back to Lincoln after the game, you heard it here first. UCLA (+14 1/2) @ California 2 star pick The Golden Bears struggle mightily after their mind-numbing loss against USC. UCLA's offense is better than most people know, and I have faith that they can score a late TD to cut it to 14 for Great Moments in Gambling History. Missouri @ Texas (-14) 2 star pick The Mack Daddy and his Horns are all over the Tigers like genital warts on eddie's c**k. Coming off the frustration of the Red River Shutout, Tejas is ready to blow off some steam. Mizzou is a one-trick pony, and Brad Smith ain't gonna carry them in this one. Coach Brown, looking to save his job, makes this a laugher at halftime. I'm out, kids. Tom

(Cue the Bob Seger music) Hello, everybody. For those of you who don't know, it's SHAKEDOWN WEEK (and I don't mean that the feds are staking out HuskerBob's house hoping to find 100 lbs. of hippie lettuce). This is the week where we all see who deserves to be in the top 10, and who's pretending (switch to Eric Clapton music. ) Yeah, that's a short intro. Tough sh#t. TO THE PICKS... Texas (+7) @ Oklahoma (3 star pick) Let's just get this one out of the way already. Look at the facts: 1 - Oklahoma has the better team. 2 - Texas hasn't beaten Oklahoma in a month of Sundays. 3 - Mack Brown is a ham sandwich. 4 - Eric the Red picked Oklahoma in his Big XII preview (look it up). So obviously, the pick is... Texas. Don't ask, just go with it. Illinois @ Michigan St. (-7) (2 star pick) This one's for my (five) avid readers. It's the matchup of Chief Notgonnacompete at Team Sparta. Gritty, gutty, balls-to-the-wall, touchdown Jesus hating, come home with your shield or on it Team Sparta plays like they should, and proves that the only people who sh#t on native Americans more than imported Americans are the Greeks. You pick it: Gyros or Pemmican. It's a no-brainer. Stanford @ Notre Dame (-3.5) 5 star pick Here's the thing about the Pac 10 for the uninitiated: two teams at the top who are pretty good, and 8 who suck harder than a milking machine at a Viagra convention. Obviously, Touchdown Jesus was preparing the Pope's room in Heaven last week, and couldn't attend (kudos to Joe T. for covering the bet of the year). But he's back this week, and until my girlfriend's HIV test results come back, I'm playing it safe. Plus, Purdue is pretty damn good. San Diego St. (-3.5) @ Wyoming 4 star pick The truth is, I don't even know where to start on this f'd up spread. First of all, if you've been to Laramie, (don't call it Norfolk, NE ) Wyoming, you know the Aztecs won't be intimidated. Wait. I have it. The spread is f'd up because overhyped big North favorite K-State (God, we miss you Ell Roberson) lost at Texas A&M. A&M buried Wyoming in Norfolk. The Aztecs did their tribe proud, bucked their encomienda roots, and actually competed in the Big House. Bottom Line: If you can play in Ann Arbor, Ta Ha Zoucha Park isn't that spooky. Wisconsin @ Ohio State (-3) 2 star pick The Buckeyes losing to the Wildkitties for the first time in 30 years is the same as Terrific Tom going 2-8 in week # 3. And we all know what happened in week #4, don't we. There is nothing more dangerous than a cornered Tiger. Or Buckeye, for that matter. OSU rolls. Tennessee @ Georgia (-12.5) 3 star pick I hate to beat dead whores (mainly because it's a violation of my probation), but the two QB system just ain't gonna work between the hedges. The Dawgs are finding their stride at the right time of year, and the Volunteers have just enough doubt about their ability to win on the road to allow UGA V to hump their legs soggy. :hump The Bulldogs romp and stomp. California (+7.5) @ USC 5 star pick Revenge factor my Mangino / Friedgen-large ass. USC seems to have everything going for them, but they could have easily dropped one early to Va. Tech. The Bears are better than Va Tech, and who the f#*k else have the Trojans battled. Since you're asking yourself "Self, who has Cal played?" I answer nobody. So this game is basically a wash. I'll take the points and the hungrier, we-still-don't-have-a-national-championship team. Florida State @ Syracuse (+19.5) 4 star pick Flash back to 1986. Coke-fueled Darryl Strawberry leads the Mets to the World Series. You remember them, right? Hate to f#*k Nancy Lopez Ray Knight, MooMooMooMooMookie Wilson, David Cone (a.k.a. Strawberry's pusher), and self-medicating Doc Gooden joined the Magic Bullett spitting, Elaine Benes dating Keith Hernandez to beat the BoSox in the Fall Classic... Anyway. The Orange beat the Big Red in '86, and you f'ers ought to recognize what it's like to go in there with a sub-par QB (sorry, McCathorn Clayton). Without Chris Rix, I like the 'Cuse to cover. Team Bowden still wins, though. Nebraska (+6) @ Texas Tech 5 star pick Huskers enter SoftTacoVille on the verge of an offensive explosion (speaking of offensive explosions, how would you like to share a cab with Mangino after dinner at Taco Bell?). If you can remember 1986, then you remember two short years ago, when much-maligned Jamaal Lord led the mediocre (soon to be 7-7) Huskers into College Station and won a game that all the haters said they couldn't possibly win. Well, David Horne is still on the roster, and even though it's a different Texas team, the 'Skers win. Kansas St. @ Kansas (+2.5) Outside the Little Apple, these f'ers are only worms. Sorry, but Karma's a bitch. Old-ass Snyder and his juco bitches finally get theirs, but not just in basketball season this year. The leadership vacuum created when Ell Roberson graduated would be enough to make Monica Lewinsky proud. If anybody in this world deserves a lucky break, it's Big Fat Mangino (just look at him. How would you like to not be able to scratch your own nuts or wipe your own ass??) Rock Chalk Jayhawk! Dorothy, Toto, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion...in the battle of the Kansas Civil War, bet on the Blue. I'm out. Respect. BooYakA Sha Tom

"Are you OK?" "Nah, man. I'm pretty f'ing' far from OK." Yes, it's me, and I'm back for more. Like Marcellus Wallace, I've taken it like a man, and now I'm back with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, ready to get medievel on all of your asses. (Sorry if you didn't get last week's memo about last week being "opposite week." FYI, this is double up week, which will be helpful to all who hope to recoop their losses.) And speaking of the first appearance of Ezekiel 24:17 (kudos, fasteddie), I purposely stayed away from touchdown Jesus last week, but I'm ready to bust his ass in the bet of the year this week. To the picks! Purdue (-3) @ Notre Dame BET OF THE YEAR There are few guarantees in life: Mark Mangino getting kicked out of Old Country Buffet before he gets "all he could eat"; Terrific Tom selling at least one kidney to pay off a gambling debt at some point; Tyrone Willingham staying black; AND PURDUE BEATING THE GOLDEN DOMERS IN THIS GAME. Joe T. and his Boilers use the much-needed week off to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, and prove that they are the baddest f'ers in the valley. Unless Touchdown You-Know-Who comes off the wall to crash the Purdue team bus, this is a mortal lock. North Carolina (+28 1/2) @ Florida State 1 star pick Three words: sandwich game (and we're not talking Quizno's). Team Bowden coming off of the Bowden Bowl last week, and looking forward to a tougher team next week overlooks the Heels. Don't kid yourselves, UNC has about as good of a shot of winning this game as Navy does of making a game-winniing field goal this year. Michigan State (+8) @ Iowa 2 star pick Helen of Iowa City has launched a massive attack. Team Sparta seeks revenge for Ferentz and Herkey the Hawk stealing the one hot woman out of East Lansing. The Spartans have already proven to be road warriors by covering last week despite giving up a cheap special teams touchdown against Jerry Retardo's Hoosiers. They are bringing their Trojan Horse to the Hawkeye State, and while the locals are hoping that the horse contains doors for the shitters in Kinnick Stadium, in fact, it carries an ass-whooping. Texas Tech (+26) @ Oklahoma 1 star pick The Red Raiders, with the aid of the spirit of Spike Dykes, keeps it close enough. You do the math: If OU would do everything right and score 50, that means all that Mike Leach and his Burgandy Pimpernels have to do is score four touchdowns, and they're golden. If nothing else, Tech scores one late to cover for a great moment in gambling history. I'll take some of that sweet action! Rutgers @ Syracuse (-6 1/2) 3 star pick The Rutgers Scarlet Pretenders, I mean Knights, prove that they're over-hyped, and not yet ready for prime time in venturing into the tougher-than-sh#t Carrier Dome. If nothing else, this is a territorial recruiting battle, and the Orange is not about to let the Scarlet get their foot in the door. Orange crush the K-niggots. Illinois (+14 1/2) @ Wisconsin 2 star pick Chief Notgonnacompete, to his credit, refuses to punch his ticket on the trail of tears, and rallies the forces at visitor-friendly Camp Randall. Don't look for Alvarez and the Badgers to completely take a sh#t on the field, but the Natives make a stand to keep it under two touchdowns. South Carolina (+3) @ Alabama 4 star pick Croyle's injury, which could easily become a recurring theme on this site, coupled with two less-than-satisfying performances by the c$%ks, lead to limp-dick Lou Holtz trying Cialis and rolling the Tide over to make them his bitch. Kansas @ Nebraska (-13) 5 star pick I forgot what I was doing last week and didn't pick the Husker game. As a result, TT had an all-time low in views and posts. SO HERE YOU f'ers GO. Callahan and the Big Red Coaching Machine uses their much-needed week off to get healthy and focus their efforts on winning the North. Pessimists will tell you that the 'Skers struggled with can't-beat-UCONN Pittsburgh, but minus at least three starters, NU persevered. Until Kansas puts an "St." behind their name, don't even ask. Mississippi St. @ Vanderbilt (-17) 1 star pick The good news for Sylvester Croom is that he's the first black coach in the history of the SEC, which means that he'll have every decent black player in the region in a couple of years. The bad news? Many of the Black Cat's players are currently white, and several play like they have a vagina. I don't know much about college football, but if you lose to perennial hockey power "remember the" Maine, you suck. You pick the joke: The last time the Commodores were favored by this much, a) The Commodores had a song in the top 40, or B) the Commodore 64 was the top selling home computer in the nation. BYU (+3) @ Colorado State 1 star pick Perhaps the Mormons have more moxy than I have given them credit for. They've beaten God's team. They should have won on the smurf turf. So, travelling to sub-par Sonny Lubick's abode may well prove less than intimidating (especially for a team all facing the prospect of Hell after death). Cougars maul the Rams. I'm out. Tom.

15-14-1 on the season. That's of course with the spread. Stay turned tomorrow. 11pm central. Terrific tom meets John Daniels. :up :hump What the hell is this?????

Urban Meyer 3-0 Callahan 2-1

I'll take some of that sweet action. KST can't beat Fresno St. at home. Fresno St is underdog to A&M at home?????

In no particular ORDER 1. Broderick Thomas 2. dOUG dUBOSE 2. Dominic Raiola 4. Johnny Mitchell 5. Jake Young

McCathorn Clayton

Huskers 42 Kansas 10 rush 222 pass 222

1) How long have you been a Husker? 32 2) Why did you become a Husker? Born in the Big Red State 3) Where are you from originally?Wood River 4) Where do you live now?Cairo, Egypt 5) Favorite Husker memory?Getting Scott Baldwin's autograph naked on eighth street. 6) Worst Husker memory?Getting Scott Baldwin's autograph naked on eighth street. 7) Number of home games attended?40 8) Number of away games attended?3 9) How many pieces of Husker attire do you own?4 10) North or South endzone?South 11) Favorite all time player?Jake Young 12) WCO or Option?option 13) Stevie Pederson or Billy Byrne?pederson 14) Lil Red or Herbie Husker?lil red 15) Favorite Husker play?Husker fake option pass 16) Red beer or bloody mary?bloody mary

Hey, everybody, it's your pusher Terrific Tom here for your weekly fix. Yes, your first "bounce theory" from last week was free (were you listening, Troy?). Yeah, you're asking yourself "What kind of gambling guru not only goes against the spread of the Troy game, but also correctly picks them to lose outright?" You're lookin at him beeyatch. Kudos to Touchdown Jesus, our messiah, for singlehandedly ruining my mojo in a way that only He can (did anyone else TiVo the game, and slow it down enough to see Jesus's hands come off the church and take it out of Team Sparta's hands on a 10 yard gain, and hand it to Team Monotheism for 6 points???) Note to Jesus: God hates gambling in his house. Look it up. To the picks. Hey, everybody, it's a Friday Night Special. Nobody like high school football, anyway. BYU @ Boise St. (-21) 3 star pick Brigham Young and the boys will undoubtedly be confused by the blue turf. "Coach, is this the Great Salt Lake?" The Mormons have been kicked out of so many places that... well, they settled in Utah. Enough said. The Broncos send 'em away without so much as taking their pamphlet. Purdue (-20 1/2) @ Illinois 4 star pick The Boilers overcome the usual look-ahead week after being coached up by Joe T. in the off week. The nation's highest scoring team continues our nation's proud history of beating up on the Native Americans when they're outmatched. Sorry, Chief Notgonnacompete. Michigan St. (-2 1/2) @ Indiana 5 star pick Team Sparta's five turnovers against God's team make them even more resolved to either come back with their swords in hand, or being carried back on their shields. They have no intention of being carried. Couple that with IU Coach Jerry Retardo Donardo's complete inability to recruit any athletes whatsoever makes this game the best bet on the sheet. Texas Tech (-7) @ Kansas 4 star pick While Kansas's highly-touted defense (are you listening, c-husker?) is statistically tough, KU, like anything trying to fight through Mangino's bowels, is too slow moving to be effective. Tech's pass-all-day-score-70-if-we-can offense is too much. Write it down, Mike Leach and his aforementioned attack has shifted the balance of power in recruiting in the country of Texas, and they've got the horses in Lubbock. Tech in a route, tortillas for everyone!! (Hefe, would you say I have a plethora of tortillas? Si, you have a plethora.) Iowa @ Michigan (-13 1/2) 5 star pick It's not so much that Michigan's that good, but inexperienced (and injured at key positions!!) Iowa is hurting so much that the Big House is the second to last place that they want to go this weekend. (Number one, you ask? fasteddie's sensual massage / prime the pump proctology clinic, Ann Arbor branch.) Alabama @ Arkansas (-7 1/2) 3 star pick Somebody stop playing that f'ing banjo, I'm trying to pick here. Lifeblood of the team Croyle is finally hurt badly enough to miss some games. This fu&*#r's put together worse than Jason White. His absence leads to a huge letdown in the Bible Belt (read: hillbilly country) and Arkansas has the Tide squealin' like a pig. Lousiana Tech (+24 1/2) @ Tennessee 2 star pick Hey, everybody, I'm going against the favorite! (only with a 24 point cushion, though.) Tennessee, after a gift win from Back Judge Ronnie Milsap, is on letdown alert (reference: bounce theory, see week 3). Couple that with La Tech's closer-than-you-thought-it-was game against Miamah, and I take the points. The Vols win, but only by three touchdowns. Troy @ South Carolina (-12 1/2) 2 star pick Alert the media, it's my Obvious Joke of the Week game. Staying with the whole picking-against-not-as-good-as-people-think Men of Troy, Dana Carvey look-alike Lou Holtz and his c$%ks (stop giggling) is going back to his offensive roots, the veer supplemented with controlled rollout passing. The c$%ks come all over the Trojans in a messy game, with the c$%ks leaving satisfied, and the Trojans carelessly discarded in a bathroom wastepaper basket (how far can you extend a metaphor, anyway?) Oregan State (+7 1/2) @ Arizona State 3 star pick But seriously, folks. Here is a battle of two teams with opposite motivations. Team Beaver, trying to prove that they're better than people think, battles the Sun Devils, who, after beating worthless Iowa, is not as good as they think they are. I don't know where the Sun Devil thinks he's going to put that pitch fork, but the Beavers are gonna show their balls this week (don't puke). PS, I picked (almost) all favorites this week to make it easier for you jackasses who don't understand the concept of the spread. But, a great man once said "I don't usually bet on the favorite, but 2500 times two is 5000 dollars" - Trotter Respect. Tom

NU - 306 rushing yards NU - 109 passing yards NU - 24, Pitt - 10

Let's bow our heads. Dear Catholic God, Please forgive me for all of my careless comments last week. I hope you realize that they were all in jest. I never doubted your power, and your exhibition of strength in guiding the Fighting Irish to victory was just one in the long list of miracles that you have begat on this planet. Please disregard any derogatory comments I may have made toward touchdown Jesus, your son. Also, please try to forgive any statements about Mormons, Joseph Smith, or anything else. I always knew the Mormons were going to hell. I hope we can get past this. Your humble servant, Terrific Tom PS, please give any of the haters (fasteddie) venereal disease. OK, let's get to the picks. UCLA (even) @ Washington 3 star pick Hey, everybody, it's the pu&&y and fairy bowl. Rick "It's just an office pool, and shut up about my sweater vest" Neuheisel has left his mark on both teams. UCLA has already shown a little toughness against Big XII team Okie St., but committed too many turnovers to win (that should strike a chord with you Husker fans). This week the turnovers go away, and the Bruins get the win on Puget Sound. Maryland (+6.5) @ West Virginia 5 star pick Terrific Tom look-alike Ralph Friedgen has one of the great offensive minds of our time. Enough so to win in (Captain) Morgantown. Last time Maryland lost to West Virginia, Len Bias was at the game. West Virginia ruins their opportunity to run the table in the pathetic Big Least. Nebraska (-3.5) @ Pittsburgh 5 star pick This is just to keep you hicks reading. I don't have to tell Husker Nation that five turnovers will a-- cause you to gain 300 pounds at Arby's or b-- will cost you a football game. However, the Big Red Coaching Machine has rolled up an average of over 500 yards a game. Look for Nebraska to show their true colors against an inexperienced Pitt Squad at Heinz Field. Florida (+3.5) @ Tennessee 3 star pick The ZookMaster and his tenacious D stifle the two-headed chump freshman piss-down-your-leg quarterback system of Tennessee, mainly because neither one of them can pull their head out of their ass until the fourth quarter. Hillbillies won't be singing Rocky Top, even if Peyton comes back to direct the band. Until after the bars close, anyway. Troy @ New Mexico State (+12) 5 star pick Here's your first lesson in the bounce theory: team on the rise (men of Troy) after huge victory, think they're pretty good, fall into the trap in the Land of Enchantment with their vaunted 30 stack defense. Kansas @ Northwestern (-3) 3 star pick Don't jump off the Wildkitties bandwagon just yet. Two weeks of home cookin' coupled with another Terrific Tom look-alike (Mark "eatin' my way through life" Mangino) away from his (extremely large) comfort zone equals Big 10 (11) victory, and Mangino retiring to try to join the Superfans. Da Bears. Iowa (-1) @ Arizona St. 3 star pick Don't let last week's struggle in the Civil War of Iowa scare you (you Cornheads know what an offensive genius Barney Cotton is, right?). Iowa, who's always happy to travel to get away from the doorless shitters of Kinnick Stadium, has the moxy to get 'er done in the desert. New Mexico @ Oregon State (-12) 4 star pick It's a make-or-break game for team Beaver. I forgive them the loss because their kicker needs to be shot in the first game. But their utter haplessness on the Smurf Turf in Idaho leads to put up or shut up time. As usual, I'm siding with the Beavers. They're occasionally smelly, but God Dammit, I love 'em! Beavers in a pounding (they just won't stop coming). Clemson (-2.5) @ Texas A&M 3 star pick Wyoming shares the title with Buffalo for the worst team in college football. Experienced Clemson bares their claws against the freshmen and sophomore students of Agriculture and Military. Bottom line, Clemson's offense is too much for A&M, 12th man or not. Notre Dame @ Michigan St. (+4) 5 star pick Surely God has stopped reading by now. Screw you, Catholics. Team Sparta brings you back down from heaven, crashing to earth. State gets redemption for all of Michigan (peninsula included).