Redux

@tmfr15 Abuse is so much more complicated than that. It would be awesome if it were just about self-worth, but it's a hugely complex and coercive system.  I promise you that it's so much more than "you have value". I say this speaking as a psychologist, not just a fan on a message board. 

@Huskerzoo

Thanks for your perspective. Like I said, watching this happen to friends and even to family has been some of the most heart wrenching thing ever. I just didn't understand. One lady, who was the constant target of abuse, always had stories for her bruises and marks. And I would say.... if he is abusing you (because she got offended about you saying anything bad about the guy) you need to leave him. She came around one day and acted like a totally different person. Why? She had left him. I was so happy for her and she just seemed so much happier. Not even three weeks later, she eloped and married the abuser. And I thought, "What are you doing? Why are you allowing this guy to treat you like dirt?"

The best way to think of it is like a slot machine. It's a low density variable schedule of positive reinforcement which is the most addictive pattern of behavior there is. In essence what's going on is every once in awhile the person shows you how good they can be. So the person is perpetually waiting for that to be the long term outcome. This is added on top of things like becoming dependent on the person in a number of ways, plus a depleted social support network due to people becoming frustrated that the abusee is not taking their advice to just leave. As you know, watching this stuff happen to people you like or care about hurts and eventually people distance themselves from it. As such people frequently feel like they only have one person in their life who only they can see the good in and they're just waiting for that person to stay in that good place. 

That's just the simple explanation. As you know, there are layers and layers.