Eric the Red Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 George Carlin's New Rules for 2006 > > > > > > New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for > > classmates.com ! > > > There's a > > > reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. > > Because you don't > > > particularly > > > like them! Besides, I already know what the > > captain of the football > > > team is > > > doing these days: mowing my lawn. > > > > > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you > > out a window > > > unless you're > > > a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a > > human finger was > > > found in a > > > bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a > > dollar. What did > > > you expect > > > it to contain? Trout? > > > > > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have > > sex with their > > > hot, blonde > > > teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better > > description for > > > these > > > kids: lucky bastards. > > > > > > New Rule: If you need to shave and you still > > collect baseball > > > cards, you're > > > a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes > > of your idols. If > > > you're a > > > grown man, they're pictures of men. > > > > > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. > > Here's how much men > > > care about > > > your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, > > we're done. > > > > > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. > > There's a whole > > > aisle of > > > this crap at the supermarket, water, but without > > that watery taste. > > > Sorry, > > > but flavored water is called a soft drink. You > > want flavored water? > > > Pour > > > some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your > > flavored water. > > > > > > New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is > > introducing a > > > redesigned > > > pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. > > And the top is now the > > > bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to > > open it, his ass > > > will be > > > in the morgue. ! Congratulations, Target, you just > > solved the > > > Social Security crisis. > > > > > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks > > order, the bigger the > > > a$$hole. > > > If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf > > grande half-soy, > > > half-low > > > fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread > > cappuccino, extra dry, > > > light > > > ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," > > ooh, you're a huge > > > a$$hole. > > > > > > > > > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look > > up from sliding > > > my card, > > > entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," > > verifying the amount, > > > deciding, > > > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" > > again, the kid who is > > > supposed to be ringing me up is standing there > > eating my Almond Joy. > > > > > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese > > characters in it > > > doesn't make > > > you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your > > ass. And it > > > translates to > > > "beef with broccoli." The last time you did > > anything spiritual, you > > > were > > > praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not! > > spiritual. You're > > > just > > > high. > > > > > > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's > > one of the seven > > > deadly > > > sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of > > Competitive Eating, > > > because > > > watching those athletes at the poker table was > > just too damned > > > exciting. > > > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're > > already doing > > > that. It's > > > called "The Howard Stern Show." > > > > > > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm > > extra hungry for > > > M&Ms, I'll > > > go nuts and eat two. > > > > > > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making > > movies based on > > > crappy, old > > > television shows, then you have to give everyone > > in the Cineplex a > > > remote so > > > we can see what's playing on the other screens. > > Let's remember the > > > reason > > > something was a television show in the first place > > is that the idea > > > wasn't > > > good enough to be a movie. > > > > > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it > > used to be just for > > > weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and > > graduations from > > > rehab. > > > Picking out the stuff you want and having other > > people buy it for > > > you isn't > > > gift giving, it's the white people version of > > looting. > > > > > > New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more > > bathroom > > > attendants. After I > > > zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint > > like I just had > > > sex with > > > George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed > > to be there, or > > > just some > > > freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your > > webcam, dude. I > > > just want to > > > wash my hands. > > > > > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I > > don't need to know in > > > months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just > > fine. He's not a > > > cheese. And I > > > didn't really care in the first place. Quote Link to comment
huskered17 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Thanks Eric.. I have always like him.. Quote Link to comment
DaveH Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Thanks Eric.. I have always like him.. Guaranteed he wrote none of that. Doesn't mean it isn't still kinda sorta funny. Quote Link to comment
slacker Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I forwarded that to my sister (among others), it was rejected by her work spam filter for vulgar language! lol Quote Link to comment
husker rob Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 he is an old bastard that just happens to be pretty funny Quote Link to comment
BIGREDIOWAN Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Yeah I always laugh at that guy when he has his comedy specials however; I think Dane Cook is even funnier!!! Quote Link to comment
AR Husker Fan Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Thanks Eric.. I have always like him.. Guaranteed he wrote none of that. Doesn't mean it isn't still kinda sorta funny. He didn't, as he points out on HIS WEB SITE. But, yeah - still funny. Quote Link to comment
GSG Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I read this article the other day about Dane Cook and how he really isn't that funny. He just stands up and points out everday stuff, kind of like we do on here. Quote Link to comment
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