Advanced age health

[admo]

If anyone has a loved one that is going through advance age health and needs to chat or vent, let me know.

 

My mom has LBD (Lew body Dementia) and it has progressed so much over the past 6-10 months.

 

I don't have answers, but I will be there for you.  Submit your frustrations and difficulties or send me a message.

 

I just went through a 30 hour missing person situation (mom) and thought the worse, for the entire time.  Police found her and she is home safe.  Thank you God.

 

When someone you love is going through advance age issues, a brain disease or mental disorder (Alzheimer, Dementia, PTSD), it can be a frightening time in your life.

 

But it is also super important that we stay calm, loving, supportive, strong, protective, kind, etc, etc...  and just always be there for them, and for each other who needs support.

 

God Bless, 

Let me know if I can help

 

 

[sho]

I'm dealing with it right now.   My Dad (80+) was recently diagnosed with dementia.  Not sure which type, and my Mom (80+) is struggling.  I'm an only child, can't be around to help as much as I'd like.   My Mom, who really was not involved in any family decisions, now has to be the primary decision maker and she has no idea on how any thing works or where any thing is at, and filling out paperwork is overwhelming her.   My Dad is also a stubborn narcissist who refuses help from anyone and is threatening self harm if my Mom forces a move to any sort of assisted living.   My Mom is physically and emotionally breaking down, confused and overwhelmed by the paperwork, not getting any help/info from my Dad, and I get crying phone calls and I don't know what to do or how to help, when every suggestion is refused or too overwhelming to do.  It's starting to negatively impact me and my relationship with my wife and kids as I'm frustrated I can't do more, and feel guilty that I can't do more.   Both of them, due to age, have had their DL removed, and are completely reliant on others for all services, my Dad is threatening legal actions against the doctor and the state to try and get his DL back, my Mom, who's enabled him their whole relationship can't manage and I can't force anything since my Mom has POA, but is too scared and overwhelmed to do anything.

[admo]

I feel you, totally understand.  

 

We know that It still looks like them, and we hear the same voice coming from them, but now we recognize it is no longer them.   It's like internal cancer tearing them apart, but instead, it is between the ears (brain).

 

I would suggest, to not engage your rage on them, and not bring it onto your family.  Remember, it is no longer your dad anymore.... It is a brain malfunction / disease taking over.

 

Keep venting as long as you wish. Right here, any time.

 

Keep it away from your family, because they want you to be happy and have that good energy for the fam. 

 

Hug your parents, say ok and yes.  And change their direction of thought by pointing at something and asking a question.  

 

 

 

 

 

[NM11046]

Just want to let you guys know what a healthy discussion this is - glad there's a safe spot you can come to connect.  

 

Not in this situation myself right now, but know that there are caregiver support groups and other resources that might be useful for.  Lots doing online meetings since covid. but there are usually live options as well thru local  hospitals.  Often times there are different specialists (i.e. healthcare lawyer that helps work thru POA, Living Wills etc) that volunteer their time or can point you toward options that might help.  Also talk to your doctors about Pallative Care and getting lined up with that asap.  It's a misunderstood profession, it's not hospice or meaning you are at deaths door, it's not all about medication and etc. but they deal with chronic health issues and can also help a tremendous amount with resources. We really try to advocate with our patients get connected with them as soon as they're diagnosed.  They help out with ins issues, psych/social issues w/the patient and family, work to coordinate specialists etc.

Easier said than done, but make sure you take time for yourselves.  It's important to keep yourself and your mindset ok, sometimes that means skipping a day with family.

[admo]

Yes.  This is a safe spot.

 

Would rather discuss and vent here than taking it out on our elders going through this stuff - because they gave everything to us from the beginning.  Even though the disease has turned them into PITA and super difficult to deal with.

[admo]

Throughout the years of time, with all the scientist in the world, and all of the doctors abound, THERE IS NO PREVENTION OR CURE for dementia.  Still to this day in age and time.  None.

 

Think about that.

[admo]

The most difficult part of the process is this............The parent we have loved our whole entire life (but is now suffering through Alzheimer's Disease)... still looks like them...... and the voice still sounds like them...... but the words coming out of them, and their behavior, is completely different.  They have been altered by the disease. 

 

We must remember to be supportive and loving, even though they are no longer acting or sounding like who we knew our entire life. 

 

And it is so super difficult to deal with.  Do you think they like going through it as well?  No way!  They are confused and don't understand what's going on.  They do know something isn't right, which also frustrates them tremendously.  And each week it gets worse.

 

So be strong... suck it up, smile, keep them active, like yard work or doing something physical.  And most of all, Love them!  Because the end-game is slowly but surely nearby.  

 

I hope this helps.

 

Keep posting and venting here.  Please don't vent on them.  No matter how much it looks like your mom our sounds like her.......... it aint her.  Or it aint your daddy no more.  

[skers83]

Good thread. One of the worst things is when they don't recognize you. My Mom started calling me by my brothers name. Didn't know my kids anymore either.  Things really suck sometimes.

[BigRedBuster]

On 10/21/2022 at 1:23 PM, sho said:

I'm dealing with it right now.   My Dad (80+) was recently diagnosed with dementia.  Not sure which type, and my Mom (80+) is struggling.  I'm an only child, can't be around to help as much as I'd like.   My Mom, who really was not involved in any family decisions, now has to be the primary decision maker and she has no idea on how any thing works or where any thing is at, and filling out paperwork is overwhelming her.   My Dad is also a stubborn narcissist who refuses help from anyone and is threatening self harm if my Mom forces a move to any sort of assisted living.   My Mom is physically and emotionally breaking down, confused and overwhelmed by the paperwork, not getting any help/info from my Dad, and I get crying phone calls and I don't know what to do or how to help, when every suggestion is refused or too overwhelming to do.  It's starting to negatively impact me and my relationship with my wife and kids as I'm frustrated I can't do more, and feel guilty that I can't do more.   Both of them, due to age, have had their DL removed, and are completely reliant on others for all services, my Dad is threatening legal actions against the doctor and the state to try and get his DL back, my Mom, who's enabled him their whole relationship can't manage and I can't force anything since my Mom has POA, but is too scared and overwhelmed to do anything.

I feel for you.  I'm in a similar situation.  My parents were basically forced into assisted living because my mother's health was going down.  My father couldn't help at all (refused to help) at home.  So, they agreed to go.  My father never has accepted that he's in assisted living because he needs help too.  At one point, he got angry and moved himself home, (can't legally keep him there) which did not end well.  Now, my mother has passed away. My father is bored out of his mind and wants to move out.  His body is failing and he can't do anything for himself, but he doesn't realize that.  The problem is, his mind still goes a hundred miles per hour and is constantly coming up with unrealistic ideas on what he wants to do...which causes a lot of work for everyone else around him.  The assisted living where he is, is amazing in their help, but there's only so much they can do.  Anyone who is honest with him, he gets angry with and can be mean.  I'm the one that lives here, but my siblings are very supportive of everything I think needs done.  That is huge.  I know some families that do not have support from the siblings that don't live close.  The siblings that live far away, don't realize the gravity of the situation and enable the parent.  Luckily, I don't have that.  In reality, all this would have been so much easier if he was the one that passed away first.  My mother was very agreeable and went along with what we thought should be done.  But, that's the opposite of my Dad.

 

I know so many people now with parents in this situation.  It sucks because it feels like you can't enjoy the short time we have left with them because we are constantly having to manage around their struggles.  But, we try to be as loving as we can be.

 

Message to any sibling that isn't living close to the parents to help.  Please support the sibling that is.  Understand that it's emotionally draining for them and they are doing the best they can.

[admo]

Everyone sharing heartache and going thru stuff, I feel ya and appreciate the contributions.

 

It is so helpful and positive to hear that we are not going thru it alone.

[Enhance]

I can't relate to this as closely as some of you, but my dad's dad passed away about 6-7 years ago now and he had pretty severe dementia. It was really tough on my dad, less so on us grandkids even though we were all in our 30's/40's. We just didn't have to have as intimate an experience with it as our parents since they managed a lot of the situation more directly than we did.

 

I just remember shortly after my grandpa was diagnosed, they were still living at home and my grandma fell and broke her leg. My grandpa couldn't be left alone because of the fear that he might accidentally wander off, maybe take too many medications or not take any at all, etc. So, my dad had to go and live with him for nearly two weeks while they tried to get a new housing situation figured out. Every day my grandpa thought his wife had died or had left him and my dad had to reassure him she was just at the hospital. Grandpa was also having regular accidents in his pants and in the house that my dad was having to clean up, which I can only imagine how tough that must be. 

 

It definitely changed my dad. I mean, he's still mostly the same guy. Still a jokester. Still a compassionate father. But those two weeks with his dad were I think perhaps two of the hardest weeks of his life.

 

Anyways, I feel for all of you. Dementia... hell, parents aging... it's tough no matter who you are or how prepared you think you might be. But it's important to find support and care from those around you so I'm glad this is a place to have those conversations.