Pre-Season Conditioning

Cy the Cyclone · August 27, 2009

Now that the start of a new football season is upon us (that would be next Thursday for me...Saturday for the rest of you pretenders), everyone should realize that not only do the players need to get in shape…but so do those very important, yet often overlooked, support people. Today we had our annual Chain Gang meeting to go over the important duties we must perform during every game. It was very exhausting. I’m so tired and sore, I can hardly type but…because you are all so swell…I am giving up my body so you can all get the inside scoop on Chain Gang training and preparation.

8:00am – Wake up at the crack of mid-morning to the pleasant sound of a Dick honking his car horn. Actually the guy’s name is Dick but his parents had a stroke of foresight when choosing his name because it fits his personality so well. Dick is old, can’t see too well and talks real loud cuz he can’t hear too well either…which makes me wonder why he’s not a head line judge or something since he has all the qualifications.

9:00 – Arrive in Ames. Greeted by a big box of doughnuts and coffee. Watch all the losers take a doughnut and a cup of coffee and go sit down. Push three guys out of the way and take the entire box of the doughnuts and the whole pot of coffee back to my table. Offer to share…for $1.00 a doughnut and .50 for a cup of coffee. Make $7.50.

9:15 – Some old fella introduces himself. Don’t know who he said he was because I was counting my money. He hands out some papers to read. Used mine to wipe up some coffee that I spilled. He drones on for a while so I take his papers and head to the bathroom where I can put them to good use.

9:30 – Introduced to our equipment. This year I see that I have a new and fancy yard marker. Instead of flipping the numbers over after each play…which could get very tiring and strenuous…all I have to do it use my thumb to push a button down and the numbers change! Science is amazing! Practice flipping numbers to see if I could make them go backwards…cant.

9:45 – Broke out into small groups for more class time. Spend the next 15 minutes counting to four…1-2-3-4. Did that until I could recite it by memory. Noticed Dick and his partner already had the first down chains tangled up around a chair leg...they are already in game form!

10:00 – Calisthenics! Took our equipment out on the field and went through numerous exercises….the Yard Marker Javelin Throw…the Duck Flying Objects from the Stands routine…the Sneak Off Down The Tunnel and have a Cigarette Run. Worked on my agility by flipping the numbers on the yard marker from 1 to 4 as fast as I could continuously until told to “knock it off!” Spent rest of time stabbing hot dog wrappers with pointy end of the stick.

11:00 – Game Situation Walk-Through. Very tough…lots of math involved!

“Cy…if it’s 1st & 10 at the 10 yard line and the runner gains 3 yards, show me what you do!”

Thought about it and then poked Dick with the pointy end of the stick

“No! Where does the yard marker go?”

I picked up the yard marker and started toward the tunnel to have a smoke

“Damn it…get back here! Now…put the yard maker where it’s supposed to go!”

Picked up the yard marker and started toward the other end of the field

“Hey! Where are you going you dumb ass?”

“It’s the end of the quarter…” I told him.

12:00 – Wind sprints down to Quick Trip to buy some of them Team Cans before they got rid of them all. Couldn’t find any but Miller Light was on sale. Went back to campus and did some 8 ounce curls. Good for the quads...

1:00 – Situation Drills – Worked on technique. Learned to flip the numbers on the yard marker over with either thumb. Worked on equipment placement. If it’s 1st and 10 on the 20 yard line and the Cyclones have the ball, the first down marker should always be located on the 29…at a minimum….the 28 if you can get away with it. The yard marker should always be located directly in front of any photographer whose camera has one of those huge telephoto lenses on it regardless of where the ball is located. When measuring for a first down, always remember that at least two links of the chain can be held undetectably in the palm of your hand in order to shorten or lengthen the measure depending on the situation. Coaches feet are fair game when placing the yard marker…and any player running over the chain deserves to be tripped.

2:30 – Uniforms are Issued. This year we get white hats. Apparently if you wear a white hat, you are thought of as a good guy.

2:32 – Drew a smiley face on my white hat with a Sharpie because I want people to think I am a REAL good guy.

2:35 – Issued another hat…

2:45 – Received credentials and parking passes. Took Dick’s parking pass while he was in the bathroom so I could sell it on e-bay. Told Dick he must not have gotten a parking pass so he went up and got another one. Will eventually end up with that one too once the DOT realizes he’s blind and deaf and take his driver's license away.

3:00 – Began the drive home, in shape and ready to start another season.

If you want to see me this season, just look for the good guy with the white hat…unless I’m in the tunnel smoking.

treyball3 · August 27, 2009

LOL. great read. laughed pretty hysterically! :clap

huskernumerouno · August 27, 2009

Awesome

NU41SB · August 27, 2009

That was a great read Cy!!

knapplc · August 27, 2009

Very good stuff, Cy.

jjamuss · August 27, 2009

Now that the start of a new football season is upon us (that would be next Thursday for me...Saturday for the rest of you pretenders), everyone should realize that not only do the players need to get in shape…but so do those very important, yet often overlooked, support people. Today we had our annual Chain Gang meeting to go over the important duties we must perform during every game. It was very exhausting. I’m so tired and sore, I can hardly type but…because you are all so swell…I am giving up my body so you can all get the inside scoop on Chain Gang training and preparation.

8:00am – Wake up at the crack of mid-morning to the pleasant sound of a Dick honking his car horn. Actually the guy’s name is Dick but his parents had a stroke of foresight when choosing his name because it fits his personality so well. Dick is old, can’t see too well and talks real loud cuz he can’t hear too well either…which makes me wonder why he’s not a head line judge or something since he has all the qualifications.

9:00 – Arrive in Ames. Greeted by a big box of doughnuts and coffee. Watch all the losers take a doughnut and a cup of coffee and go sit down. Push three guys out of the way and take the entire box of the doughnuts and the whole pot of coffee back to my table. Offer to share…for $1.00 a doughnut and .50 for a cup of coffee. Make $7.50.

9:15 – Some old fella introduces himself. Don’t know who he said he was because I was counting my money. He hands out some papers to read. Used mine to wipe up some coffee that I spilled. He drones on for a while so I take his papers and head to the bathroom where I can put them to good use.

9:30 – Introduced to our equipment. This year I see that I have a new and fancy yard marker. Instead of flipping the numbers over after each play…which could get very tiring and strenuous…all I have to do it use my thumb to push a button down and the numbers change! Science is amazing! Practice flipping numbers to see if I could make them go backwards…cant.

9:45 – Broke out into small groups for more class time. Spend the next 15 minutes counting to four…1-2-3-4. Did that until I could recite it by memory. Noticed Dick and his partner already had the first down chains tangled up around a chair leg...they are already in game form!

10:00 – Calisthenics! Took our equipment out on the field and went through numerous exercises….the Yard Marker Javelin Throw…the Duck Flying Objects from the Stands routine…the Sneak Off Down The Tunnel and have a Cigarette Run. Worked on my agility by flipping the numbers on the yard marker from 1 to 4 as fast as I could continuously until told to “knock it off!” Spent rest of time stabbing hot dog wrappers with pointy end of the stick.

11:00 – Game Situation Walk-Through. Very tough…lots of math involved!

“Cy…if it’s 1st & 10 at the 10 yard line and the runner gains 3 yards, show me what you do!”

Thought about it and then poked Dick with the pointy end of the stick

“No! Where does the yard marker go?”

I picked up the yard marker and started toward the tunnel to have a smoke

“Damn it…get back here! Now…put the yard maker where it’s supposed to go!”

Picked up the yard marker and started toward the other end of the field

“Hey! Where are you going you dumb ass?”

“It’s the end of the quarter…” I told him.

12:00 – Wind sprints down to Quick Trip to buy some of them Team Cans before they got rid of them all. Couldn’t find any but Miller Light was on sale. Went back to campus and did some 8 ounce curls. Good for the quads...

1:00 – Situation Drills – Worked on technique. Learned to flip the numbers on the yard marker over with either thumb. Worked on equipment placement. If it’s 1st and 10 on the 20 yard line and the Cyclones have the ball, the first down marker should always be located on the 29…at a minimum….the 28 if you can get away with it. The yard marker should always be located directly in front of any photographer whose camera has one of those huge telephoto lenses on it regardless of where the ball is located. When measuring for a first down, always remember that at least two links of the chain can be held undetectably in the palm of your hand in order to shorten or lengthen the measure depending on the situation. Coaches feet are fair game when placing the yard marker…and any player running over the chain deserves to be tripped.

2:30 – Uniforms are Issued. This year we get white hats. Apparently if you wear a white hat, you are thought of as a good guy.

2:32 – Drew a smiley face on my white hat with a Sharpie because I want people to think I am a REAL good guy.

2:35 – Issued another hat…

2:45 – Received credentials and parking passes. Took Dick’s parking pass while he was in the bathroom so I could sell it on e-bay. Told Dick he must not have gotten a parking pass so he went up and got another one. Will eventually end up with that one too once the DOT realizes he’s blind and deaf and take his driver's license away.

3:00 – Began the drive home, in shape and ready to start another season.

If you want to see me this season, just look for the good guy with the white hat…unless I’m in the tunnel smoking.