10 Ways To Enhance My Football Viewing Pleasure

[Cy the Cyclone]

Three games into the 2012 College Football season and I’ve already discovered quite a few things that need to be done away with in order to enhance my game day football watching experience at home, in the stands or on the field

 

1) Marching bands. Unless you are the parent of a band member, no one wants to hear you or see you. That is why when you come onto the field, the entire stadium empties out so everyone can take a dump. Unless you feature naked band majorettes or flaming baton twirlers that accidently set the woodwinds on fire, no one cares. Stay home and blow your instruments in your dorm rooms.

 

2) Cheerleaders. Unless we are sitting in the front row, directly in front of you, we can’t see or hear you. No one knows your cheers and the only time anyone pays attention to you is when you drop someone onto their head. Personally, I would pay more attention if the typical cheerleader, instead of looking like a stick, had huge breasts that bounced around during all the routines but unfortunately, there are none of those. Apparently they off-balance the human pyramid or something. Instead of cheerleaders, college football teams should feature pole dancers. People would pay attention then.

 

3) Shots of players parents. Hey, guess what? 20 some years ago, Mom and Dad had sex and nine months later, Mom pushed the kid out of the birth canal…end of story. Now, I just see two people who got into the game for free. I don’t get into games for free…therefore, you suck and I don’t want to see you on TV.

 

4) Shots of people in the stands. TV cameras have an unerring way of zooming into the most amazingly dumb looking people in the stands of a college football game, be it the fan at West Virginia with two teeth, the 500 pound guy at Nebraska waving a pork chop and wearing a corn cob on his head or the group of drunks from Duke that have letters painted on their bellies and never fail to spell DKUE whenever they stand up…I really do not care to see these people. I can see them at work every day.

 

5) The Gatorade Dump. When players first started dumping the big jug of Gatorade onto the winning coach, it was fun and original but now it’s been done…about a billion times! Enough! Come up with something new…run across the field and dump the Gatorade on the losing coach, throw the jug at your coach…empty the jug and then jam it on your coach's head. You’re all Student/Athletes…come up with something original

 

6) Where’s the Flag? A receiver runs down field…the ball is thrown…the ball goes glancing off the hands of the receiver as a defensive back hits him…and on cue, up comes the receiver with his hands spread wide, looking at the official saying “Where’s the flag?”. Guess what moron…there IS no flag and won’t be a flag. You didn’t do your job and the defensive back did. He was better than you! You’re supposed to catch the ball and, though in your mind there’s no way you would let anything slip through your fingers, you didn’t do it. You failed…move on.

 

7) Losing Exuberance. You’re team is down by 30 in the 4^th quarter. The opposing QB fades back to pass and you break through the line and get a sack. Let the fist pumping begin! It always amazes me when this happens. A player does something right once in the game and they jump up pumping the fist, beating their chest and accepting the accolades of adoring teammates. Hey guys…did you look at the scoreboard? You’re still getting your asses kicked by 30 so knock it off and get on with the game. Your one good play is not going to overshadow the other 60 where you got ran over. They have game films now.

 

8) Our Ball! Fumble pile ups are one of the most tedious things to watch known to man. The ball pops loose and instantly 10 guys jump on each other while 12 guys who are not even remotely close to the ball start point their arms in two different directions depending on what team they are on. Then, the refs spend fifteen minutes trying to pull 300 pound guys who look like they are playing a weird game of Twister off each other until finally, they take a wild guess as to who actually has possession of the ball. Twenty minutes of my life wasted. You could figure out who has the ball in about three seconds. If you see 11 arms pointing one way and 10 pointing the other, give the ball to the teams with 10 pointing arms because the other guy has his arms wrapped around the football.

 

9) Coaching interviews at Halftime. You’ve all seen it, a coach begins running off the field with his team at halftime when he’s suddenly intercepted by some woman reporter asking “Coach, how are you going to come back in the second half”. You all know what the coach wants to say (“Get the f**k out of my face) but, of course he can’t say that so you get stuck with generalities that mean absolutely nothing. It would be nice to hear “Coach, how are you going to come back in the second half” “Well, you stupid piece of s**t. Obviously, we’re going to come back through the locker room tunnel…now get the f#ck out of my face”

 

10) The Leader of the Free World. This is my biggest annoyance. Idiots asking the president who’s going to win the big game. First of all…nothing personal, but our president does not look to be much of an expert on football. It’s pretty obvious from his manly physique that he was probably picked last on the playground and then forced to play the position of Left Out so I would not regard his pick as anything but suspect. Secondly, shouldn’t he be worrying about who’s going to win the big game of Israel vs Iran or China vs Taiwan of something like that? Maybe someone should ask him for his predictions about those games. I really don’t care who the president thinks is going to win a game, just like I’m sure he doesn’t care what I think about his economic policy so stop broadcasting it.

 

Those are ten of the things that need to be eliminated in order to make me a much happier football watching fan. Please forward this to all the television networks that broadcast college football in order to make my viewing pleasure that much more enjoyable.

[Comish]

Well scripted..........

 

Especially like #1. I once got into an argument with a buddy's wife who absolutely insisted the band was of equal importance with the game itself. Then I pointed out that I'd buy that if I went to a band concert and during intermission, a football game ensued. Won the argument, but damned near lost a buddy.

[The Dude]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

Edited September 20, 2012 by The Dude

[sd'sker]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

[The Dude]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

[sd'sker]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

[RedRedJarvisRedwine]

Being a cyclone fan all these years has left you jaded my man!

[hskrfan4life]

Nice post Cy! and here comes the gifs.

[Husker from Kansas]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

 

greatest gif ever! I almost spit tea on my keyboard! lol well done

[GSG]

Three games into the 2012 College Football season and I’ve already discovered quite a few things that need to be done away with in order to enhance my game day football watching experience at home, in the stands or on the field

 

1) Marching bands. Unless you are the parent of a band member, no one wants to hear you or see you. That is why when you come onto the field, the entire stadium empties out so everyone can take a dump. Unless you feature naked band majorettes or flaming baton twirlers that accidently set the woodwinds on fire, no one cares. Stay home and blow your instruments in your dorm rooms.

 

2) Cheerleaders. Unless we are sitting in the front row, directly in front of you, we can’t see or hear you. No one knows your cheers and the only time anyone pays attention to you is when you drop someone onto their head. Personally, I would pay more attention if the typical cheerleader, instead of looking like a stick, had huge breasts that bounced around during all the routines but unfortunately, there are none of those. Apparently they off-balance the human pyramid or something. Instead of cheerleaders, college football teams should feature pole dancers. People would pay attention then.

 

3) Shots of players parents. Hey, guess what? 20 some years ago, Mom and Dad had sex and nine months later, Mom pushed the kid out of the birth canal…end of story. Now, I just see two people who got into the game for free. I don’t get into games for free…therefore, you suck and I don’t want to see you on TV.

 

4) Shots of people in the stands. TV cameras have an unerring way of zooming into the most amazingly dumb looking people in the stands of a college football game, be it the fan at West Virginia with two teeth, the 500 pound guy at Nebraska waving a pork chop and wearing a corn cob on his head or the group of drunks from Duke that have letters painted on their bellies and never fail to spell DKUE whenever they stand up…I really do not care to see these people. I can see them at work every day.

 

5) The Gatorade Dump. When players first started dumping the big jug of Gatorade onto the winning coach, it was fun and original but now it’s been done…about a billion times! Enough! Come up with something new…run across the field and dump the Gatorade on the losing coach, throw the jug at your coach…empty the jug and then jam it on your coach's head. You’re all Student/Athletes…come up with something original

 

6) Where’s the Flag? A receiver runs down field…the ball is thrown…the ball goes glancing off the hands of the receiver as a defensive back hits him…and on cue, up comes the receiver with his hands spread wide, looking at the official saying “Where’s the flag?”. Guess what moron…there IS no flag and won’t be a flag. You didn’t do your job and the defensive back did. He was better than you! You’re supposed to catch the ball and, though in your mind there’s no way you would let anything slip through your fingers, you didn’t do it. You failed…move on.

 

7) Losing Exuberance. You’re team is down by 30 in the 4^th quarter. The opposing QB fades back to pass and you break through the line and get a sack. Let the fist pumping begin! It always amazes me when this happens. A player does something right once in the game and they jump up pumping the fist, beating their chest and accepting the accolades of adoring teammates. Hey guys…did you look at the scoreboard? You’re still getting your asses kicked by 30 so knock it off and get on with the game. Your one good play is not going to overshadow the other 60 where you got ran over. They have game films now.

 

8) Our Ball! Fumble pile ups are one of the most tedious things to watch known to man. The ball pops loose and instantly 10 guys jump on each other while 12 guys who are not even remotely close to the ball start point their arms in two different directions depending on what team they are on. Then, the refs spend fifteen minutes trying to pull 300 pound guys who look like they are playing a weird game of Twister off each other until finally, they take a wild guess as to who actually has possession of the ball. Twenty minutes of my life wasted. You could figure out who has the ball in about three seconds. If you see 11 arms pointing one way and 10 pointing the other, give the ball to the teams with 10 pointing arms because the other guy has his arms wrapped around the football.

 

9) Coaching interviews at Halftime. You’ve all seen it, a coach begins running off the field with his team at halftime when he’s suddenly intercepted by some woman reporter asking “Coach, how are you going to come back in the second half”. You all know what the coach wants to say (“Get the f**k out of my face) but, of course he can’t say that so you get stuck with generalities that mean absolutely nothing. It would be nice to hear “Coach, how are you going to come back in the second half” “Well, you stupid piece of s**t. Obviously, we’re going to come back through the locker room tunnel…now get the f#ck out of my face”

 

10) The Leader of the Free World. This is my biggest annoyance. Idiots asking the president who’s going to win the big game. First of all…nothing personal, but our president does not look to be much of an expert on football. It’s pretty obvious from his manly physique that he was probably picked last on the playground and then forced to play the position of Left Out so I would not regard his pick as anything but suspect. Secondly, shouldn’t he be worrying about who’s going to win the big game of Israel vs Iran or China vs Taiwan of something like that? Maybe someone should ask him for his predictions about those games. I really don’t care who the president thinks is going to win a game, just like I’m sure he doesn’t care what I think about his economic policy so stop broadcasting it.

 

Those are ten of the things that need to be eliminated in order to make me a much happier football watching fan. Please forward this to all the television networks that broadcast college football in order to make my viewing pleasure that much more enjoyable.

 

[HuskerfaninOkieland]

Classic post Cy!!!

 

4) Shots of people in the stands. TV cameras have an unerring way of zooming into the most amazingly dumb looking people in the stands of a college football game, be it the fan at West Virginia with two teeth, the 500 pound guy at Nebraska waving a pork chop and wearing a corn cob on his head or the group of drunks from Duke that have letters painted on their bellies and never fail to spell DKUE whenever they stand up…I really do not care to see these people. I can see them at work every day.

 

So THAT'S what Husker Jen really looks like

[HuskerfaninOkieland]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

[Stumpy1]

Why do football players always have fat moms?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: there's no punch line. Serious question.

i didn't know you played football?

[The Dude]

[huskerjch]

Maybe you need to just stop watching football..what a winer