Post your best legit-sounding but utterly BS coaching rumor

[In the Deed the Glory]

Nebraska is looking to move back to the future, for obvious reasons. I have confirmation from people inside the athletic department that the head coach is none other than Frank Solich. Monte Kiffin is being brought back to run the defense and his son to run the offense as HCIW with a salary of $2.5 million. Solich will have a 4 year deal to finish what he wasn't allowed to finish in 2004, and then Lane will take over after learning the "Nebraska way".

[grandpasknee]

While reviewing computer game websites, I noticed that John Madden had sold his rights to all games early last week. Following that tip, I traced all flights within a 100 mile radius of Madden's home. At least three private Uber car rentals from his house..to Dunkin Donuts....then to a private airport where the private jet filed flight plans to and from Lincoln. Lincoln area Dunkin Donuts locations mysteriously added staff for all shifts the last 10 days. Gene Upshaw was seen leaving the jet with Madden in Lincoln on two of those occasions, wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a big red N and the slogan "I DO know how to stop the run". At first, it was thought to be the pilot, but a man in dark glasses and a leather jacket that said nothing but "Just me and the QBs" was addressed as "Mr Montana" as he accompanied Upshaw and Madden into their waiting limo.

 

While not on the same junket, a white haired southern dandy who called himself "Jimby Johnsman" has been seen on campus approaching SE's office with a cane that had this written in small diamonds "O---you can't stop this."

 

The ghost of Bob Devaney was reportedly seen wring his hands in glee and nodding vigorously from an abandoned office in the North Stadium....

[Throwin'Bones]

A friend of mine from Colorado has heard rumors that Peyton Manning has already accepted the job. After his next disappointing showing in the playoffs he will quickly announce his retirement and come straight to Lincoln to take over. Said he over heard Peyton mention something about how he could do better. He may disappoint when they get there, but at least he can get them to the playoffs.

[grandpasknee]

Here's what I heard last night while I was sipping Mint Juleps at the Brass Rail from one of the bar maids...

 

Last night, that guy from that science thing was brought in by Howard Hawks to use Osborne's sperm to concoct a supreme abomination of a clone that would incubated by your mom's nail lady.

 

But she said the frozen sperm Hawks was told was in the Target sack in his freezer was actually Pat Ricketts' (long story). So they had to extract manually. But apparently, as potent as The Doctor still is, they just couldn't get a good sample. During the "procedure," Tom mentions that it's his divine will for Tressel to get the gig anyway. But now Tressel's missing. So thinking they could actually get a decent cloning from merely the DNA on a Tressel-hair, they raid his sweater vault (the password to which is Woody Hayes birthdate...obv), but, *gasp* - All gone!

 

So the science guy is like, "I do have this time machine thing laying around." But Osborne, as we all know it, doesn't really go in for time travel. So they sent Pat Ricketts back in time to 2005 to collect a sample, believing this to be the moment in time in which Jim's midi-chlorian count to be the highest. Tressel sees Pat coming through the portal and he's like, "You're here to get a DNA sample, aren't you...I knew this would happen." And so he like, wrestles with Pat for a long time, and finally sends him back to the future.

 

The rest of the story plays out in obvious fashion; no need to stress my carpal tunnel any further typing it out.

 

And that's how Pat Ricketts becomes the next head coach at The University of Nebraska.

now that's funny, but when do you think it will be announced?

[BigRedPowerWagon]

I sideline as a hooker some nights. A few weeks ago im hanging out the carlisle hotel in omaha. And im not getting any action, my nylons are really chafing my balls. Im about to call it a night when this black Land Rover pulls up. And what do you know but old sweater vest rolls down the window asks me for a date. I wont go into it any further but ill say he wasnt in the big10 for nothing.

[grandpasknee]

 

Bo Pelini thinks you're a bunch of butt plugs.

Ironically, butt plugs would do a better a job at coaching the defense. They can at least plug the holes or seal off the outside to keep opponents from running it all over us

 

So...you're saying the would block the penetration of the offense...

[Ric Flair]

Lane Kiffin, OC, Alabama

 

 

Kiffin has Nebraska ties through his father Monte, who was the defense coordinator at Nebraska. He has prior head coaching experience at Tennessee and USC, NFL experience as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, has worked under Nick Saban, and is ready for another head coaching gig. He's a well-known name and would be a splash hire. He's also an excellent recruiter, with tons of ties to quality coaches who are likewise excellent recruiters. Kiffin is an offensive mind for a team that needs one and is good at developing quarterbacks. So he brings a skillset that is desperately needed. Plus his wife is really hot.

 

 

Lane Kiffin will be the next Head Coach at Nebraska. I guarantee it.

[alexhortdog95]

The University of Nebraska-Lincoln Welcomes new Head Football Coach Jim Harbaugh!

 

 

Coach Harbaugh was named the 32nd head coach in the venerable history of the Nebraska Cornhuskers.He was the 18th head coach in the storied history of the San Francisco 49ers.. Over those three seasons, the 49ers have tallied a 41-14-1 overall record (5-3 in the postseason). After a 13-3 regular season record, and a trip to the NFC Championship game in 2011, the Niners went 11-4-1 in 2012, on their way to Super Bowl XLVII. In 2013, San Francisco posted a 12-4 regular season record and earned it’s third consecutive trip to the NFC Championship Game. Harbaugh logged 18 years of coaching experience prior to joining the 49ers - Stanford (head coach, 2007-10); San Diego, (head coach, 2004-06); Oakland Raiders (offensive asst., 2002-03) and Western Kentucky (volunteer asst., 1994-2001). In college, he played at Michigan for the legendary Bo Schembechler from 1982-86. Jim and his wife, Sarah, have two daughters, Addison and Katherine, and a son, Jack. He also has three children, Jay, James Jr. and Grace. Jim is the son of Jack and Jackie. His brother, John, is the head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and his sister, Joanie, is married to Indiana University Men’s Basketball head coach, Tom Crean.

 

The University of Nebraska-Lincoln Welcomes new Assistant Football Coach Scott Frost!

 

Scott Frost, who instilled a toughness in the Ducks’ wide receivers corps for four years, has incorporated that same mentality at a position where he was one of the nation’s best while quarterbacking his alma mater to the 1997 National Championship.

But just as important was the understanding he accrued coordinating the program’s offense for the first time a year ago that promises to lead to further success a second time around.

Frost has gained a wealth of experience as a standout at the collegiate and professional levels, as well as from a coaching perspective. It certainly didn’t hurt that he benefitted from having one of the best quarterbacks in the country at his disposal to help engineer an offense that averaged better than 500 yards of total offense for the fourth year in a row. In addition, Oregon’s 291.5 passing yards-per-game represented its highest output in eight seasons.

The 39-year-old Lincoln, Neb., native helped orchestrate an offense that averaged 55.6 points and better than 632 yards of total offense through the first two months of the season when it was operating on all cylinders before completing the regular season second in the country in total offense (565.0), fourth in scoring (45.5) and ninth in rushing (273.5).

He also benefitted from Oregon being the only program in the Pac-12 to boast of a 1,000-yard rusher (Byron Marshall) and 1,000-yard receiver (Josh Huff).

Prior to initially joining the Oregon staff as its wide receivers coach in January 2009, Frost had served one year as defensive coordinator at the University of Northern Iowa (2008) and two seasons as the Panthers’ linebackers coach (2007-08).

Following his collegiate career, Frost was selected in the third round (67th overall) of the 1998 NFL Draft by the New York Jets, where he played safety and special teams from 1998-2000. His professional football career included stops in Cleveland (2001), Green Bay (2001-02) and Tampa Bay (2004). The second-team Academic All-American and two-time first-team academic all-conference choice graduated with a B.A. degree in finance from Nebraska in 1997.

[WhatDoIKnow]

Nebraska to become the first ever team to be coached using American Idol-style instant voting.

[HuskerfaninOkieland]

 

 

Bo Pelini thinks you're a bunch of butt plugs.

Ironically, butt plugs would do a better a job at coaching the defense. They can at least plug the holes or seal off the outside to keep opponents from running it all over us

 

So...you're saying the would block the penetration of the offense...

 

More or less. There's the occasional hole that a good RB could squeeze into and make to the second level. I mean....you pound it up the middle enough times, a hole is eventually going to open up

[95huskers]

Time Warner cable in Lincoln is filming a commercial with Coach Cowher. He saw the headline in last nights lincoln journal star.

 

Cowher called his agent last night, and asked his thoughts about the position. His agent told him Nebraska was prepared to pay top dollar for a big name coach.

The agent also asked if Cowher thought he could win at least 10 games and 1 CCG. Cowher said "The B1G??? ROFLMFAO!!! your damn right I can, and for fun, Ill show them how to do it with all the previous rejects of the past" so he keeps Bo (DC), hires Solich (RB coach), brings in Bohl, brings in Callahan (OLINE) and hires Frost to takeover in 3 years.

 

SE pays the staff a total of $10M per year, and Cowher takes home $20M in those 3 years with bonuses set up for each CCG win of $500k and NC of $1m

[knapplc]

Weak effort. Copypasta from the Niners' & Ducks' websites. Boo.

[C N Red]

Bill Cowher's Mustache will be the next head coach of Nebraska. They will announce it tomorrow b/c they don't have to wait since the mustache is a minority hire.

Apparently the mustache is of Hispanic origin.

Ir Grande Rojo

[NUpolo8]

There won't be a coaching hire.

 

When Tom Osborne lobbied to join the Big Ten in 2000, Barry Alvarez was very upset and threatened by this encroachment onto "his territory" by his former protege. All of 2010 spent digging dirt on Tom. Osborne after this.

 

Right before the Texas A&M game, Alvarez discovered that the Martinez father was illegally profiting off his "Corn Fed" brand. When confronted, Osborne immediately agreed to throw the 2011 game in Madison and signed Bo into an agreement to always play Taylor regardless of condition. Doing so would prove that there was no violation.

 

Classic double-bluff stuff here.

 

Unfortunately, in 2012 the plan backfired when Taylor led the comeback against Wisconsin. Furious, Alvarez bribed Tommie Frazier with a lifetime gift card for red brats and cheese curds from State Street brats to drop an audiotape off at Deadspin headquarters in New York. That audiotape contained a local Youngstown drunk doing a Bo Pelini impression he perfected to win free drinks after Cardinal Mooney football games. In his best Bo voice, he called us all "fair weather fans" and to "kiss his ass out the door". However, to Alvarez's shock, it -rallied- most of our support.

 

We are through the looking glass here, people.

 

Finally, for an endgame he presented Harvey Perlman with a perfect Manchurian Candidate to take over for Tom. Shawn Eichorst is a double agent with a direct wire to Alvarez himself to insure Nebraska folds. In fact, every time you hear Eichorst say "um" that's the code for Alvarez to pipe in another directive.

 

The plan is not hire a coach, waiting so long that the regents, finally have to cut their losses and remove football from the sport list, technically the only decision the Board of Regents is allowed to make.

 

I overheard all of this in an Uber car in Little Rock where Alvarez was on his way to meet with Bill Clinton and Mike Huckabee to "work something out with Bret"

 

PM me for details on that one if you're interested. I've said too much here.

[Redux]

Ok, I can't reveal my source but TRUST ME, it is legit!

 

So we all know Eichorst and his ties to Wisconsin/Barry Alvarez. The supposed meeting that took place wasn't so much a meeting as it was an interview. Barry told Shawn if he ever wants to be his successor he must make a splash. Shawn knew what must be done.

 

After the 2013 Iowa game Shawn gave Bo his word he would be retained throughout his contract. Little did Bo know that Shawn was already in talks with a one Urban Meyer. Not to replace Bo but to dig up some dirt. Shawn knew that if he could blackmail Bo into taking a smaller gig after he fired him the buyout would decrease and he would have plenty of funds to hire his real coach, plus make himself look like the guy who canned Pelini on a whim.

 

Meanwhile Alvarez is in the background smoothing things over with the new candidate telling him how great an opportunity it would be for him. That man is none other than Dan Mullen. Mullen makes a name for himself in the SEC via bag men recruiting and shady transfers bit puts in place an exit strategy to a cozy B1G gig. Opportunity knocks in the mutual form of Alvarez/Eichorst. The duo knows full well of his NCAA violations but convince him to take the Nebraska job. They also expect him to bring a world of hurt with him just shy of death penalty status.

 

Next step Alvarez "retires" and formally accepts Shawn Eichorst as his replacement. Nebraska falls to 5-7 in Mullens first year followed by a 3 year bowl ban and scholarship restrictions when violations are uncovered. Wisconsin goes on a 15 year run as West Division champions and multiple playoff berths. Nebraska falls into the abyss.