I Will "Restore The Order" All By Myself!!!

[Cy the Cyclone]

While watching the game last Saturday night it came to my attention that Lil Red is a total abomination to all things college football and his presence on the sideline flies in the face of Nebraska tradition. He does not inspire fear, invoke awe or inspire motivation…he is just silly looking. A major sports blog that specializes in mascots ranked Lil Red as the 4th worst mascot in all of college sports with this to say about him:

 

4.) Nebraska's Lil Red: This ranking is actually shared by every enormous inflatable mascot in America. Many schools in the country have chosen to allow these insufferable things to bounce around their arenas and stadiums, annoying the ever-living-hell out of everyone in attendance. These things suck, and if you like them, you suck too. The reason I chose to select Lil Red is because it was the first one I ever saw and because I want Herbie the Husker – Nebraska’s true, blue collar mascot – to beat Lil Red’s inflatable ass. The worst thing about these types of mascots is the likelihood that this brainless conversation will undoubtedly take place:

Idiot 1: Do you think there is a person in there?

Idiot 2: No way man, it’s remote controlled.

Idiot 1: I dunno, I think there has to be a person in there.

Idiot 2: Yeah, maybe you’re right.

At this point, I slam my head into the guardrail in front of me because I’d rather be unconscious than continue to listen.

 

No “Restore The Order” effort in Nebraska will ever be successful while this freak-show roams the sidelines. It is a known fact that no college football team with an inflatable mascot, in the entire history of college football, has ever been a national champion. What makes him more unbearable is that he is a magnate for television cameras. Before cutting to or coming out of a commercial break Lil Red’s buffoonish features fill television screens across the nation! What kind of impression does that give the rest of the country…

 

”Oooooh, look out for those Cornhuskers…they have a big, scary balloon guy!”

 

“Wow…the Husker coach seems to have a huge head…oh wait…that’s the mascot”

 

“Great…halftime...now that I have 15 minutes to kill. That reminds me…where’s MY inflatable blow-up doll?”

 

Yes, Lil Red…this affront to Husker dignity…must go. But how? How can all we true fans, the real lovers of Nebraska football, remove this foolish air bag without bringing down the ire of the big-time donors (who, lets face it, were responsible for foisting this glorified inner tube on us to begin with)? Never fear…for I have a plan...

 

I have memories of watching our beloved Cy the Cyclone (cleverly disguised as a bird for reasons I won’t get into) roaming the sideline at Cyclone Stadium…being pelted with beer cans, snowballs and smoldering from a collection of cigarette butts which were casually tossed on him as he made his drunken walks along the stands. Back then, it would have been a simple matter to take out Lil Red…one well aimed cigarette and he becomes the mascot equivalent of the Hindenburg. Unfortunately…Lil Red and his evil handlers seem to know that (plus, smokers are no longer allowed within 1000 feet of a school in Iowa…or is that sex offenders….oh well, they’re both treated about the same over her in the Fascist Republik of Iowa) and they keep him well away from all but the most friendly of allies. You usually can only find Lil Red near the cheerleaders where he seems to feel at home among the other inflatable boobs. This giant condom is totally insulted from open flames, sharp objects, over-zealous fans, and and all manner of things that could spell his doom…except, perhaps, for one determined man with a pointy stick.

 

I am that man with the pointy stick!

 

My plan is simple. Lil Red will most certainly make an appearance in Ames on October 18th…as will I. He will be on the sidelines engaging in his usual buffoonery of bringing shame to Husker Nation, while his keepers keep a close eye on the fans to insure that he is always safe. However, in they’re zealous zeal to keep Lil Red from harm they will be totally oblivious to the anonymous and unassuming fellow holding the down marker who is slowly working his way up the field toward them. After all…this man is an official. Totally trust worthy (as all officials are). Just a slob out doing his job…a simple peasant out working in the fields. Too late will they realize that this “peasant” is on the wrong side of the field! Too late will they realize that he is marking the 1st & 10 spot 40 yards from where the ball is actually being put in play! Too late will they see the pointed spike on the bottom of the pole, a spike meant to sink deeply into ice hard turf, poised high above Lil Red’s foot! They WILL see the spike pierce the foot of Lil Red and hear the high-pitched, girlish scream of dismay as the air quickly escapes through the mortal wound! Lil Red will try to run away (inflatables always try to run…the fools) but all this will do is widen the gaping wound as his foot will be pinned to the turf like a bug to a board. Lil Red will quickly pass gas and deflate into an unidentifiable heap of rubber, never to hold air again. The dignity and pride of Husker Nation will all have been restored in a heartbeat…All thanks to me. Goodbye Lil Red, goodbye humiliating and demeaning mascot…Hello National Championship Reality!

 

Who's with me?!?

[BOBELIEVER]

[Reebsker]

Cy, for the love of all things Big and Red...please...DO THIS!!!!

Huskernation will forever be indebted to you.

[teleman77]

I gotta agree..........Lil Red needs to GO AWAY!

 

Bring back Harry Husker for gods sake!

[In the Deed the Glory]

Holy Sh*t! That was absolutely priceless.

[cornhuskers4ever]

Lil Red is cute...

Herbie Husker is awesome!

I remember watching the Herbie Husker mascot going nuts in the 1995 Orange Bowl when Costa got sacked for a safety. What's little red do to show excitement? Waddle back and forth?

 

I'd love to hear a "Pop!!! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSST....."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Little Red is dead..."

[Huskerballz]

I chuckled a few times. He probably is the worst mascot ever. However, If we had a 5th and 6th grade team. He'd be perfect.

[pctopeka]

Right there with you, Cy!! The Balloon Man doesn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of our opponents, does he?

[HuskerJosh82]

You've got the green light.

[kansas husker]

Cy,

we have got to get you a writting job I laughed my ass off at this as I do at most of your posts. Great stuff

[Drowning_in_the_Sea_of_Red]

No “Restore The Order” effort in Nebraska will ever be successful while this freak-show roams the sidelines. It is a known fact that no college football team with an inflatable mascot, in the entire history of college football, has ever been a national champion.

Actually Lil' Red has been around since '93...

 

Sorry to burst your bubble. (HAHAHA! See what I did there?)

[huzkerbob]

Ok, Lil Red ain't great. But the WORST mascot has to be the Stanford pine tree/swamp thing abomination those Calli stoner kids came up with. What the hell is that thing anyway?

 

And Cy. I'll trade you lil red for that ridiculous tornado bird your boys are using! Please explain to me how a red chicken suit instills the devastation and raw power of a mid west twister?

[HSKRNOKC]

I chuckled a few times. He probably is the worst mascot ever. However, If we had a 5th and 6th grade team. He'd be perfect.

 

 

Totally agree.

[zE bOp]

Isn't L'il Red Herbie Husker's kid? Make's you wonder who the mom is: one of those inflatable babes I guess.

I kinda like L'il Red, so that means I 'suck'.

L'il Red is supposed to be for the kids anyway, so I was told.

L'il Red slaying Ralphie-the avatar-is hilarious!

[BIGREDIOWAN]

I agree! I hate 'Lil Red with all the hate in my body! If this plan doesn't work don't mind the 5'8" 185lb man on top of the stadium with a pellet rifle. Don't act like you see me or I may have to take you out as well.